If you love what you do, you'll never work a day in your life. If you hate what you do, no biggie––you can always pick up an expensive drug habit.

The stereotypical “dad” is one of the most dudefest influences on a child’s life. Whether he’s telling lame jokes, taking you on adventures, or just having a catch, he pretty much taught you what it means to be a dude. Your dad is likely a pretty cool guy. Let’s just assume he’s great so today’s Thing doesn’t get all sad at the end.

2004: NBA player and career asshole Ron Artest climbs into the stands and punches fans during a game. It is listed in Detroit as a light crime day.

1863: President Abraham Lincoln gives the Gettysburg Address. The South, having no great orators, immediately regrets rebelling against the north.