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Changing a Flat
Matt Stoke
March 04, 2014

Fuck. You were driving down the road headed towards your meeting with Chuck Norris and Vladimir Putin to discuss the finer points of bear wrestling, when suddenly you feel a steady thumping from your car. A flat tire. Damn. You guide your car to the shoulder and get out to examine the problem. Yep, just as you suspected a flat tire on your back right side. Fortunately, you’re a dude and hundreds of thousands of years of evolution has prepared you for this moment. Hell, had this happened when you were six months old you still could’ve told your mom what to do from your car seat and been good to go. You go to your trunk, grab the spare tire, lug wrench, jack, tire iron, a beer* and head over to the tire.

 

First things first, make sure the car is in park and block the opposite wheel, in this case the back left tire. A number of things can be used to block the tire, but most appropriate is generally one of the bricks you carry around in your car for those moments you need to break a window or build a wall.

 

Next up, you start loosening the wheel lugs with the tire iron. If you’ve been working out properly this should be a walk in the park. If you’ve neglected your soft, shitty body you might need some inspiration to get them off. Okay, look behind you. See those woods there? There are probably some hungry wolves in there watching to see if you’re gonna be too tired to fight back when they come to eat you. Now get those damn wheel lugs loose!

 

Good work. The wheel lugs are loose and you haven’t been eaten yet. Next jack up the car. Throw the jack underneath the jack point (located in your drivers manual which I’m sure you have studiously studied and memorized before taking your automobile on the road, right?) and jack her up. Once the car is raised, remove the wheel lugs entirely. Check behind you to make sure the wolves are still far away. Sure you can’t see them yet but their eyes are glowing in the oncoming darkness. You’re not too concerned though-you read Dudefest.com’s review of THE GREY and know what to do in these situations. Back to the car.

 

Remove the busted tire and replace it with the spare. This shouldn’t be too difficult so long as you’re not a bitch. Screw the wheel lugs back on make them pretty tight-but not all the way, you’re gonna finish the job in a second. Lower the car back to the ground and remove the jack-you’re almost there. Wolves good? Good. Finish tightening the wheel lugs with the tire iron. Put the busted tire in the car and you’re good to go. Say bye to the wolves and start thinking of your apology to Putin and Chuck.

 

*Dudefest.com does not endorse drinking and driving.

Matt didn't see the daylight till he was a man, and by then it was nothing but blinding.

1 Comments
03-04-2014 | 10:25 AM
If you're drinking your beer while you're changing your tire you aren't drinking AND driving now are you? It sounds to me like you're drinking and dudefesting.
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