There comes a time in every adult relationship where you find out that you're going on a first date. Maybe your friend set you up with her old college roommate. Maybe you finally get to go out with that friend/crush you've liked for years. Maybe that chick you've been "college dating" for a couple of months makes you buy her dinner before you see TRUE GRIT. Maybe you just met a fly honey at the gym and want to split an Awesome Blossom with her.
Whatever your situation, there are a few, namely five, pieces of advice that, when followed, guarantee success on the date. So, without further ado, here are The Five Pillars of Going on a Successful First Date.
Pillar #1: Dress to impress.
While looking good is important for almost every occasion in a dude's life (a job interview, your super sweet sixteen, your funeral), it's especially important for a first date. Unless you met your date at a wedding, in which case you SHOULD NOT be seeing her again, you've either never met her before (blind date, met online, that's not the Jennifer I met last night...), or you looked god awful when you did (drunk at a party, drunk at a bar, drunk at a gym). In either case, you can view the first date as a second chance. Your date's Handsomeness Expectation Bar (HEB) is incredibly low, which means that you have a decent chance at impressing her looks-wise.
As you probably already know though, handsomeness doesn't grow on trees. If you were born with it, like Koella, or have enough money that it's irrelevant, like Fraturday, you can skip this section, because it's of no use to you. Otherwise, you'll need to put yourself over your date's HEB using something that isn't traditional handsomeness. The solution? Dress to impress.
Sporting a tuxedo is obviously over the top, ridiculous, and also expensive, and there are plenty of other ways you can look good without spending a fortune or feeling over-dressed. A good place to start is with a button up shirt. The true power of the button up lies in its ability to be taken off either very slowly or incredibly quickly, with little to no middle ground. Every woman knows this, and thus your button up will keep your date on her toes for the entire dinner especially if she's interested in seeing what's underneath all them buttons.
Pants are possibly the most difficult part of the outfit to wear impressively. Blue jeans are out, because she'll think you look like the construction worker from The Village People, and if you wear jeans that aren't blue, her thought will be "What, is he too good for blue jeans?" Khakis will make her think of her father, and shorts are out, because they'll just remind her that you don't have to shave your legs. In sweatpants you'll be touching your nuts the whole time, and cargo pants are obviously reserved exclusively for the third date.
This leaves only dress pants. Pants you'd usually wear with a suit jacket. In fact, you probably should wear a suit jacket, because wearing dress pants without a suit jacket is like standing underneath the big bucket at a water park: you're going to get water thrown in your face. Obviously you need to make sure that jacket matches your pants and your shoes match your belt; after all, you're not a barbarian. What you have on now is a button up with a suit jacket, matching dress pants, and nice shoes. If you were handsome, you could probably pull this look off, but for you the button-up-under-suit-jacket look won't work without a tie. If you don't know how to tie one, Google will tell you how to do it.
Wait, it looks like what I just described a suit. Wow, I could have saved you a bunch of time if I had just told you to suit up. Well we're here now and there's nothing we can do about it, so here it goes. Wear a suit. Preferably a tux.
Pillar #2: Control the conversation.
Let's face it. You have at least one weakness. (I'm of course operating under the assumption that Liam Neeson is not reading this article.) You know what your weaknesses are. You also know that your date is a pretty girl, and thus has no weaknesses. Weakness-wise that puts you behind. Here's the beauty of first dates, though. You may know your weaknesses, but she doesn't. Your goal? Make sure that by the end of the date, she hasn't discovered any of them.
But how are you going to do that? Well, reader who skips over section titles, you need to control the conversation. You know your strengths, and you need to make sure you are beating them into her head. Metaphorically. If she tries to ask you a question, interrupt her. She's probably going to ask you where you went to college, and you're not about to have another date walk out on you after you tell her that you went to Jefferson Davis Community College to study Revisionist History. And don't let her talk about herself either. Anything she says is going to make you feel unworthy of her. You'll make a misstep, and after you let her know that you think your mother could pull that outfit off better, one side of your face will get red quite quickly. Shush her if you have to; the date should be one long monologue.
Pillar #3: Order impressively.
One of the most important things to do on a first date is to establish yourself as an Alpha Male, because that's what all women want, especially on the first date. And while you can talk all you want about sports, she'll be smart enough to figure out that you still don't know what the fuck icing is. (Is that when the skater does one of those quick stops and sprays ice at another skater? Is it when a skater does like high sticking or something like that? Why am I referring to them as skaters?)
The easiest and most effective way to establish yourself as a dominant, masculine man is to order impressively. Search the menu for the item that screams "I leave cave, I impale animal with spear, I cook animal with fire" the loudest and order it. All steakhouses have a 22 ounce steak, so order that. If you're at a seafood place, order all of their shark meat. Order as high on the food chain you possibly can. Human meat is ideal.
You're probably thinking to yourself, "but Kennedy, won't she be TOO overwhelmed by my masculinity?" The simple answer is no. Take me for instance. (Ladies, if you said "Gladly", "I wish", "Yes please" or something along those lines in response to my previous sentence, please send me an email.) On one first date, we went to a pizza place in Boston, and I ordered and ate my entire pizza and half of hers. And although she later got back together with her ex-boyfriend and then joined the Wisconsin Peace Corps, she had a good time on that date.
Pillar #4: Make her feel like the most important person in the room.
Women want to feel special when they're out for dinner. It's your goal to make your date feel as special as possible. This might be the easiest pillar, because there are so many ways to make a woman feel special.
The best way to make a woman feel special is to marry her, but obviously the first date is way too early for that, and she'd probably want her family there anyway. On a first date, you can, however, implement the second best way to make a woman feel special: propose to her. Women love being proposed to, and a lot of women, especially the prettier ones, get propositioned frequently. Kneel down and open the box containing the ring, put it in her champagne glass when she's not looking, invite your family and make it an event. It doesn't matter which way you do it- you're wearing a tux after all. You can even bring multiple rings and propose to her in different ways, which is an especially useful tactic in case she says "no" the first time.
If you're not ready to commit yourself for life to her, there are still plenty other ways to make her feel special. You can tell all the couples at neighboring tables that the girl you're with is special and if they came over and said hello it would really brighten her day. You can also cut all of her food for her and feed it to her using airplane, which will probably invite all the couples at neighboring tables to come to your table and say hello anyway.
The most effective noncommittal way to make her feel special is actually very simple and requires you to exert very little effort. When she goes to the bathroom, probably to text her girlfriends positive things about your approach to conversation or how much meat you've eaten or how much you stand out wearing a tuxedo in Quiznos, let the waiter or waitress know that it's her birthday. It doesn't matter if it's her birthday or not (letting her tell you what her birthday is violates Pillar #2), women love surprises, and there's nothing more surprising on a first date than having a bunch of unhappy college students on summer vacation sing her a non-copyrighted version of the happy birthday song. If it is her birthday, she'll assume that you somehow found out and wanted to surprise her. If it isn't her birthday, she'll be happy that you were thinking about her even when she wasn't in the same room as you. Either way, it's a win for you, and at the end of the date she'll probably give you a hug good bye. Score!
Pillar #5: Be yourself.
At some point during the date, the pretty girl sitting across from you and staring at your stupid face is going to have to get to know you. That's why you need to be yourself. Not only is this the most self-explanatory pillar, it is also far and away the least important pillar. You should not let it get in the way of any of the other four pillars.
Sealing The Deal
In order to best remember The Five Pillars of Going on a Successful First Date, use their shorthand phrases.
- Look cool.
- Exert your rule.
- Meat is fuel.
- She's a jewel.
- Be yourself.
The last one doesn't rhyme with the other four because, again, it is much less important. The first date is referred to by someone at some point in time as "the gateway to a relationship". Following these five pillars to a T turns that gateway into a long, dark tunnel with light at the end, and will help you reach that light as quickly as possible. Happy dating, gentlemen.
Joe Kennedy is a staunch technophobe and suffers from a debilitating fear of human hands. If for some reason you'd like to get in touch with him, send a letter to 463 Mass Ave Cambridge MA 02139.