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Farting in Church
Jimmy Fraturday
March 11, 2014

Church farts are by far one of the funniest kinds of farts. Perhaps it's because it is very quiet and a wooden bench gives the toot a much needed acoustic bonus. Here's a guyde to accomplishing a great "Holey Exhale".

 

Firstly, let's determine your age, because it can be pretty important.

 

Children ages 0-10

 

First off, good for you for reading this site. You're clearly going to grow into a fine young man. Second of all, you have probably the easiest time of anyone. Go ahead and blast away. Because of your young age and general inabaility to grasp the gravity of situations, there will be very little backlash for letting one fly during mass. In fact, once when I was in church I kept hearing the person behind just letting em rip, left and right. I could barely control my laughter (I still can't, just thinking about this story still makes me laugh). As I turned around towards the end of the mass to offer a sign of peace to the "poop-ertrator" I realized that he was an infant. This baby was just farting and shitting away at his liesure. Can't knock that hustle.

 

Normal aged people 11-65?

 

We have the hardest time adding a "holey ghost" to the congregation. Generally speaking, we are old and aware enough to be embarrassed or to know better than to let a loud, wet one rip right as the priest stops talking so we can all stare at our laps. You'll probably get some shit (haha) for loudly farting, so I'd suggest waiting until it is time for communion. Once you're up and walking towards the front of the church to recieve your terrible tasting snack, slowly and carefully let the fart out as you walk. You'll be doing what is known as "crop-dusting". Enjoy the fact that everyone will be enjoying your sacrament, as you get the church's.

 

Old People 65-barely clinging to life

 

This age group has clearly got it the best. You're old enough to know better, but you're so old that you couldn't really give a shit (or can you?). Let those puppies fly. It'll still be funny to those of us that hear them but why should you care? That's right, you shouldn't. You've been around the block long enough and you've held those farts in for years, so now is your time to really start enjoying life. A word of caution. Everyone knows that as you age you become less able to control certain parts of your body. As you defile the pew with your...pew, make sure not to shit yourself. While a good fart in church can be appreciated, shitting yourself in public is rarely an ok thing to do. That will be embarassing. Unless you're either so old or really don't give a fuck. Then you do you. Shit away my friend.

 

I hope you found this helpful. Now you just need to wait until Easter or Christmas to actually use this sage advice.

Jimmy Fraturday thinks his body knows when his parents are going to force him to go to Church. In the event of a church fart he laughs uncontrollably. Tell him about your best farts by sending him an email.

3 Comments
06-16-2014 | 12:40 AM
Farting is too funny
03-15-2014 | 5:56 PM
I've lived through this one first hand, and you're dead on. It was real hard for me to change my ways when I turned 11.
03-11-2014 | 2:35 AM
I would be in the middle age group there, and I think farting in church is hilarious.
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