Dear Dudefest Forum,
My buddies and I were staying at this super classy resort because my buddy Rob's parents had an international time share thingy and that meant super cheap, yet super nice spring break for us. The resort featured tons of all inclusive amenities including a variety of on-site specialty restaurants. We reserved times for all of them ranging from Mexican (obviously) to Brazilian steakhouse (which I barely remember because I was so drunk...classic). The beginning of this magical tale takes place at the Hibachi restaurant, because when you're in Mexico you definitely want to try out the Japanese food.
For those of you plebians who don't know, Hibachi is essentially a Japanese grill restaurant. Several different groups of people (unless you're super popular and go with like 15-20 friends) sit around the outside of a giant grill and so you can watch your food be prepared right in front of you. The chef usually puts on quite a show as well. My friends and I were seated on the corner of the table between two other groups. On one side sat three attractive girls and to the right sat an Indian-looking middle aged couple (they actually are Indian, I'm not being racist).
Being the semi-drunk frat bros were were we immediatley started to chat up the girls who we found out were about 4 years older than we were, had already graduated from college and were looking to relax and get away from the post-college shit-storm of real life. Since we were at a Japanses restaurant, it was all inclusive and we were on Spring Break, we convinced these older ladies to do saki-bombs with us. I explained to the waiter what we were looking for and he brought out saki bomb set ups for the 6 of us. Then disaster struck.
In all of my time of doing saki bombs back in undergrad I had never really bothered to examine the glasswear that we used. The Chiniese buffet we usually did them at provided us with the set ups; big, thick, glass beer mugs and thick saki glasses. When our waiter dropped off the saki bomb set ups in Cancun, he has brought the beer in the standard, thin, "drinks" glass that they served pretty much everything in. We "dropped the bombs" and everyones glass except for mine completely shattered sending glass shards everywhere and effectively killing the mood. The girl next to me even managed to have some blood drawn by a flying piece of glass. The girls had become icy towards the drunk undergrads, so we turned our attention to the giggling married couple to the right.
We quickly learned that they were both in their early 40's, from Texas, and they were both practice medicine. What type of medicine you ask? The husband was a plastic surgenon and his wife ran and managed a health spa that they owned together. Both of them, it turns out, were big fans of their own products, giving them the appearance of a couple in their late 20's. Not only did they look the part, but they acted that way too. We later learned that the reason they were so forthcoming with all of the information they gave out was because they had decided to take a bunch of ecstasy before dinner. Awesome.
After several more interesting conversations, the most important conversation came up. The woman was giggling and looking back and forth between us and her husband. Finally she leaned into him and slurred, "Should we tell them?"
He chuckled as asked her what she meant. She responded, "You knowwww. About J-Lo"
Instantly his face lit up and he laughed into his shoulder.
He turned and looked me dead in the eyes.
"Guess what?", he said.
At this point I had no idea what could be next.
"We've got a hooker coming tonight!" [laughs] "I called up this company and asked for one. I asked for one that looks like J-Lo. She's gonna be here after dinner!"
I looked back at his wife's face. She was all smiles.
After dinner was finished, the bros and I decided that we would hang out in the lobby bar (instead of one of the other 10 bars) so we could catch a glimpse of this hooker. The hotel had this crazy policy where you had to put down a several hundered dollar deposit with them if you were going to have an overnight guest who wasn't a guest at the hotel (cockblocks). So we waited and waited until finally we saw our man with J-Lo. She looked...Mexican, and exactly nothing like J-Lo except that she was Hispanic and a woman. She towered over our friend in 6 inch heels, and we watched him sign her into the hotel, stroll over to the elevator and disappear up to their room.
Jimmy Fraturday is sometimes amazed he is still alive. He looks back on his younger years fondly and wonders what it must be like to live a normal boring life. Email him your boring stories at JimmyFraturday@yahoo.com.