SELECTIONS FROM THE DUDEFEST GUYDE
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Guitar Serenading
Ram Jam
March 25, 2014

Every dude knows that one of the coolest and most cliche ways to impress people (a.k.a. potential sex-partners) is by playing acoustic guitar. Everyone thinks it's the tits, and your chances of sleeping with someone skyrockets if they get just a peep of you strumming some chords. Dont worry, if you follow the Dudefest Guyde to Guitar Serenading, they'll be strumming something else very soon. I am, in fact, referring to your weiner.

 

First off, you should have access to a guitar. You probably don't need to buy one, because one of your buddies probably has a guitar that they never use, intended for panty-removal. Well, steal that dude's thunder, while also stealing his guitar for a little while.

 

Secondly, learn something to play. DON'T play Smoke on the Water. I will find you and smash that sturdy spruce-top over your dumb face. Smoke on the Water is like over-the-pants HJs: dissapointing, bush-league, and only messy for you.

 

Here's what we suggest: learn a couple chords, and make up a song about your intended target. Creativity is dudefest, also extra impressive. Ask what his/her name is. And with just one piece of information, VOILA: an impromptu song. Another great thing about making up a song as you go, is that you can belittle other interested males, while wooing the subject. It doesnt’ have to be about love or some shit, just try and be entertaining, accessible, and especially awesome. You're putting yourself out there, so the subject can put themself out there (on your penis).

 

Because we rock so hard, here are three basic chords which, if you play in any order, will sound at least okay. The lines are your strings and frets (as if you were looking down at it from above), the numbers are your fingers (1 = pointer finger, 2 = middle finger, etc.), and if there is an "x" next to the string, try not to play it. Even though you probably will, because you suck at guitar.


Below the charts are an image of what each chord will look like. Pay careful attention to the photos, because they will help out immensely.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Finally, now that you are all prepared for a song of some kind, go for it. According to polls conducted by the Kennedy Research Center, chances of sex break down as follows:

 

Owning a guitar: 30%

Holding a guitar: 45%

Playing a guitar: 80%

Dudefest Serenading: 100%

 

To pull off the complete Dudefest Serenading combo, though, you'll have to incorporate at least three things from this list:

 

  • Being shirtless
  • Looking good
  • Singing to children
  • Being a camp counselor or lifeguard or surfer or gentleman lumberjack
  • Playing at a campfire
  • Consuming alcohol
  • Smiling while playing
  • Running while playing
  • Hunting while playing
  • Playing by yourself, while staring contemplatively at something badass, like the ocean or a photo of John Stamos
  • being John Stamos
  • Doing a duet with another dude (make sure you break down who the targets are first)
  • Not singing too shittily
  • Having actual skill at playing guitar

 

Good Luck!

Koella plays made-up songs on his guitar, shirtless & drunk, two hours a day, for impoverished, inner-city children, while staring at the sunset and cutting down trees.

5 Comments
04-04-2014 | 12:25 PM
I used the chord pictured in photo number two, but it just caused my lady friend to walk away from me. Can you tell me what I did wrong?
05-02-2014 | 1:08 AM
Same thing happened to me. Any help here Mr. Writer?
06-24-2014 | 2:06 AM
You both need to be more handsome.
03-29-2014 | 5:50 PM
Hey dude can you teach me how to play Oasis by Wonderwall?
03-25-2014 | 10:24 AM
Is that picture of you Koella? You've gotten really really tan, and your hair is much darker than I remember. Also you shaved the stache? Whattt?
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