Alright dudes, I’m starting to get a little pissed off here. For some reason none of you guys have the slightest idea why girls like stealing and occasionally wearing your shirts, hoodies, hats, and boxers. I have been ranting about this for years but clearly I haven’t been getting through because you all keep bitching to me about it. If you take my advice you’ll be able to save your high school varsity shirts from that glorious time in your life when you could eat whatever you wanted and still had a six pack. Listen closely unless you want those fleeting memories to become part of my new running ensemble.
First off, and I can’t stress this enough, if I ask to borrow a shirt after sex you should be fucking stoked. This means that not only do I not regret having blackout sex with you, but I’m going to be bragging about it to all my friends! When girls wear your shit in broad daylight we are rocking strides of pride, plus we aren’t embarrassed of whatever creepy thing we let you do the night before. GO YOU, DUDE! If you were a shitty fuck, or couldn’t get it up, or I’m retroactively embarrassed by the douchebag pickup line you used to get me naked then I do not want a single memory of waking up next to you. So don’t be offended by my early morning klepto attitude because it most likely means you were good in the sack (i.e. gave me multiple orgasms) and now I’m going to tell my friends about it while wearing a shirt you wore during your high school jack and jock sessions.
Second, this whole you getting your nut last night wouldn’t have happened if I wasn’t wearing an outfit that clearly said “you can put it anywhere.” Unless I was sitting in my room watching a chick flick in my pajamas eating ice cream (which I would never do because that NOTEBOOK shit is for pussies) then the outfit I had on last night makes me look like a filthy whore the next morning. Trust me, I did not wear this see-through tank top for my benefit, considering how I am female and therefore always cold. Seriously dudes… do the math.
So when the time comes that I ask you dudes to borrow a shirt some of you are brave enough to say no…
Where do you get off telling me I can’t borrow a shirt to walk home in? When this happens I channel my most terrifying self Sliz-uel L. Jackson and respond (using only my eyes) and say,
"I DON’T REMEMBER ASKING YOU A GODDAMN THING! Mother fucker I let you rip my tights off with your teeth at 3 a.m. and you stretched the shit out of my bandeau! I’m not making you buy me new tights or pay my dry cleaning bill because that see-through shirt somehow managed to get your juice all up on it. So why you trying to fuck me like a bitch? I asked for one shirt so I DARE YOU, MOTHERFUCKER! I DARE YOU! SAY NO TO ME AGAIN!"
Now here comes the part where you dudes do the typical dude thing that fucks you over. You reach into the drawer and toss the first shirt on top. Dumbass. I just scored the perfect jogging shirt with some high school mascot on it from a town I've never heard of. And you will never get it back. So here comes the advice… you taking notes dudes? You know all those random undershirts that your Mom buys you? You know the ones with the pit stains that are a little too small? These are the shirts that you give zero fucks about and all dudes have a constant supply thanks to that one important woman in your lives. But you’re about to go home for a long weekend and Mom will totally buy you more.
The trick is to keep these shit shirts in a separate pile away from the clothes you actually care about. Fuck, keep them under your bed next to your mountain of porn for all I care. All I’m looking for is some form of fabric that attempts to hide the fact that my bra is no longer functional. If you did this correctly you just earned yourself a blowjob and a bunch of bitches will learn that you’re a good fuck, thus getting you laid even more.
Sliz is the angriest writer for Dudefest.com, the other dudes speculate this is due to her not being a dude.