DUDEFEST DOZENS
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Sex Moves We Recommend
Joe Kennedy, Evan Finkle, Smigoversen, Jimmy Fraturday, Pockets
May 01, 2014

Have you ever read a sex tip from Cosmopolitan and thought, "Wow, that sounds enjoyable, I hope my next sex partner does that"? No, of course you haven't, because most of their advice is so goddamn weird that it wouldn't even fly on Mount Olympus. But as always, Dudefest.com has your back. After years of first-hand experience, countless studies and surveys, and a few unfortunate mishaps that have resulted in monthy child support payments, the dudes at Dudefest.com have established a dudefest dozen's worth of sex moves that are guaranteed to provide a unique, exciting experience your partner will never forget.

 

10. The Tricky Dick

 

 

So you're doin' a girl, preferably in the ace, while you secretly film her. Don't be too sneaky because you will get caught. Deny, deny, deny until impeachmemt is imminent and resign as President of the United States of Your Bedroom.

 

9. The Penguin

 

So you're doin' a girl, preferably in the ace, and near by are a few eggs you've taken from the fridge. You reach down and place the eggs on the girls feet and start boning her real rigid like, while making penguin noises. She may get freaked out and leave and from here it's up to you to hatch the eggs on your own.

 

8. The Interior Decorator

 

 

So you're doin' a girl, preferably in the ace, at her house. While you're getting down to business, you have a moving van show up and take all of her furniture and replace it with bean bags and weird art. When she notices and complains, bill her for $3,500.

 

7. The Birthday Surprise

 

 

So you're doin' a girl, preferably in the ace, from behind, on her birthday. Stamina will be the name of the game as you occupy her with intercourse while slowly putting on a clown costume. As soon as you're fully dressed up, pull out, and have all of her friends and family pop out and yell "Surprise!" with you. Everyone loves a surprise party.

 

6. The Duet

 

 

So you're doin' a girl, preferably in the ace, when you start singing "a-weema-weh a-weema-weh" to her until she either responds with the lead part of "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" or leaves. If she leaves, you'll need to find someone else to sing lead for you. This also works with "Hooked on a Feeling", the guitar riff to "My Girl" or with that Chili's baby back ribs song.

 

5. The Star-Spangled Bang Her

 

 

So you're doin' a girl, preferably in the ace, and you're starting to get close. Start saying (or even better, shouting) the Pledge of Allegiance and finish as you... um, finish.

 

4. The Ropeswing

 

 

So you're doin' a girl, preferably in the ace, when you get up on two chairs above her, and have her give you an HJ (and swing from your penis if you'd like).

 

3. The Bateman

 

So you're doin' a girl, preferably in the ace, from behind as you're flexing and looking at yourself in the mirror. Don't be afraid to look deep into your own eyes as you finish.

 

2. The Decision

 

 

So you're doin' a girl, preferably in the ace. When you are close to finishing, you hold an hour long press conference to announce you're taking your semen to South Beach, which is another word for her mouth. Bonus points if performed in Cleveland.

 

1. The Nervous Nelly

 

 

So you're doin' a girl, preferably in the ace, when you let her know that you're feeling a bit nervous, and you want to make sure the two of you are super protected, so you're going to put on another condom to be cautious. Sheath and then continue doin' her. Keep putting on an additional condoms exactly like that every two minutes until her head explodes from condomception.

The Dudefest.com dudes are not responsible for any injuries that may occur as a result of heeding our love making advice.

2 Comments
05-01-2014 | 1:46 AM
This is filthy. Hilarious, but filthy. And who made these drawings?
05-01-2014 | 1:13 AM
I almost exclusively use The Bateman because I like looking at myself more than the woman I'm with.
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A Dudefest Dozen presents a top ten list of shit. There are only ten items, because a dude always starts what he finishes, but doesn't necessarily finish what he sta
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