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Three's Company Lied, or: Girls Suck Too
Pete Hall
April 16, 2014

Sliz, I feel for you. I really do. New Girl makes it seem like living with dudes is a walk in the park, but it's actually an arduous trek through a tangled pube forest. I get it, we suck. But you know who sucks more? You.

 

Not you, specifically, Sliz, even though I've never met you. I don't know, maybe you do suck, you sound angry all the time. I meant living with ladies.

 

I grew up with two sisters, and lived with a female roommate my senior year of college. They were a disgusting bunch of hair-in-the-drain-leaving, sink-hogging, never-do-the-dishes, we're-so-elegant-cause-we're-ladies bunch of jerks. But this isn't even about those girls, even though they were moderately impossible to deal with. This one is about two other girls I lived with that made those other three look like a bunch of actual angels. And living with those two was nothing like the hilarious romp Three's Company promised me.

 

First of all, say goodbye to her BFF TV. I sure as shit didn't buy the TV, but I also sure as shit didn't ever get to watch it. I mean, we didn't have cable or anything, but I didn't realize just how many times one girl could watch THE ARISTOCATS at 4 in the goddamn morning with the volume all the way up until I lived in that house. Watching a movie with my roommates inevitably turned into listening to the one that owned the TV talking through whatever was on, regardless of what we were watching. I had to suffer through it and rewatch every episode of whatever show we had just started (ironically, New Girl) whenever she left or passed out.

 

Oh, and you wanna talk about living with a chick that "explod[es] with emotion, tears, and unsolvable problems" and can't hold her booze? Trust me, I've seen some chicks at their worst, and I can tell you that living with Jess would be amazing. You know you've seen some shit when you think that living with Jessica Day would be less emotional than what you've been through. "No guy deals with female emotion unless he's getting sex in return?" What planet do you live on? I got exactly zero sex, and I dealt with ridiculous female emotion on a daily basis. Every day they were coming home stressed as fuck, and every day I asked how they were doing and weathered that storm of emotions, tears, and unsolvable problems like a goddamn champion. And that shit just spreads—every girl that is an emotional trainwreck (fucking all of them) has approximately 10,000 similarly emotional, trainwrecky friends that come over and commiserate loudly on the couch while I just want to sleep. I would love to chat about our feelings and chug Busch Light at 2:00 PM, I just don't want to hear you girls doing it while butt-chugging Rum out of the bottle at 3:00 in the morning. Some of us have to be up early, you know.

 

I agree about the pants, though. Far too many pants are worn on both New Girl and Three's Company. Just know that the first thing I do when I come home from work is take those restrictive goddamn jeans off, and if it's warm enough, I pop that fuckin' shirt off too. I don't drink White Russians, though. I'm more of a warm PBR from the can kind of guy. (Yeah, I kept 'em warm and hidden in my closet, because neither New Girl nor Three's Company prepared me for the fact that any booze left in the common area would be gone within minutes.)

 

So yeah, maybe New Girl didn't show you the nightmare that is living with dudes, but if you want real pain, be a dude who lives with chicks.

Pat Holland has no regrets, except all for those ones he doesn't want to talk about.

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