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Farting Techniques We Recommend
Joe Kennedy, Jimmy Fraturday, Evan Finkle
April 17, 2014

Dudes fart. It happens. And when it does happen, it should happen correctly. That's where we come in. You've probably released farts without a target. That's wrong. Somebody else needs to experience what your body just produced. And here's the thing: there are at least ten amazing ways to let someone else in on your gaseous number twos and we may have captured all of them. Enjoy.

 

10. The Yellow Yoshi

 

 

Target: Between three and five people

Radius: 7 feet

Description: You're sitting on a couch with some other people when you let 'er rip. Keep as still as you can for a few minutes as you let the fart sink into the couch cushion you're sitting on. As soon as you feel like you're ready to "spread the news", as it were, stand up and then sit back down as hard as you can.

 

9. The Respirator

 

 

Target: One person

Radius: 1 foot

Description: You're standing up having a conversation with someone, then you cup you hand around your butthole and let 'er rip. Give it a quick three count before moving your still cupped hand to the person's face as quickly as possible.

 

8. The Gladware Surprise

 

 

Target: One person

Radius: 1 foot

Description: ​You're in a kitchen, preferably one that is not yours, when you take an empty Gladware container from a cabinet, put it around your butthole, and let 'er rip. Be sure that the Gladware has a matching lid first before doing so. Seal the Gladware with the lid and put it back in the cabinet. You might not witness the result of this one, but trust us, it's worth it.

 

7. The Winds Of Fury

 

 

Target: At least one person

Radius: 20 feet

Description: When you're standing in a room next to a fan (needs to be a floor fan on the floor or a shelf fan on a table or shelf), you put only your butt slightly in front of it and let 'er rip. The blast will hit everyone who can feel the fan. An oscillating fan can hit an entire room, while a stationary fan will destroy everyone in its straight line path.

 

6. The Phantom Menace

 

 

Target: 1 person

Radius: 7 feet

Description: You're sitting on a couch and you let 'er rip. Let the fart sink in to the cushion you're sitting for a few minutes as you stay still. Note that this is similar to The Yellow Yoshi, but the similarities end here. Get up from the couch and move to a different part of the room. When someone else sits down on that cushion, they will get a smelly surprise.

 

5. The Mean High Schooler

 

 

Target: 1 unpopular person

Radius: N/A

Description: You are somewhere like work or school and you sit next to the smelly/weird/unpopular person in the office/school. Let 'er rip repeatedly and after each one, look angrily at the unpopular person next to you. Everyone will believe that it was the weird guy and not the office/school stud that you are.

 

4. The Elevator Ambush

 

 

Target: Unknown

Radius: The elevator car

Description: If you're the last one in the elevator let 'er rip as you leave. The elevator doors will contain the blast and bring it back up/down to the floor calling for it. As the doors open, the unsuspecting persons will enter into the stench and be forced to wallow in it, while you laugh quietly at your desk.

 

3. The Japanese Oven (The Dutch Oven Plus)

 

 

Target: 2 people, including yourself

Radius: 2 to 3 feet

Description: So you're lying in bed with a significant other, preferably a one night stand, when you pull all the blankets over both of your heads, seal it off, and let 'er rip. You'll be able to feel you partner's every feeling as you both breathe in the atrocity that you just released. The shared experience that the two of you are going through will definitely put your partner in the mood, so go for it!

 

2. The Scuba Suicide

 

 

Target: You and only you

Radius: Skin deep baby

Description: This one doesn't happen often, but scuba diving can last hours. When ill-prepared and over-fed, you can get in some sticky situations. Obviously holding it in is preferable, but when the gastric pain is too much, just let 'er rip. Try to fart as hard and fast as you can, hopefully pushing some of the dirty bubbles through the neoprene. It's going to suck when it makes it's way up to your scuba mask, but your underwater partners will have the laugh of a lifetime watching you writhe around smelling your own filth.

 

1. The Divine Intervention

 

 

Target: A pious individual

Radius: A few inches

Description: So you're in church during that part when everybody kneels down. Make sure that the person behind you is not only kneeling, but also has their eyes closed, so they can't watch you do the Lord's work. Silently crouch on your bench/pew/seat, stick your butt all up in their face, and let 'er rip. After that, there's a significant chance that they might speak in tongues.

Joe Kennedy has spent years researching flatulation, and is expecting a paper of his to be published by the Kennedy Research Center this summer.

 

Jimmy Fraturday isn't going to let Kennedy take all the credit. He helped too damn it, and you'll probably laugh harder at his jokes anyway.

 

Evan Finkle is a sad man. He contributed one of the ten.

4 Comments
05-07-2014 | 10:57 AM
The divine intervention is horrifying. I really hope it's something you guys just made up but haven't actually done.
04-19-2014 | 7:14 PM
What? No spot-weld? That is the best one!
05-07-2014 | 10:54 AM
What's spot-weld?
04-17-2014 | 11:59 PM
the real question: how do you spell the sound of a fart?
Display ten cans
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A Dudefest Dozen presents a top ten list of shit. There are only ten items, because a dude always starts what he finishes, but doesn't necessarily finish what he sta
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