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Katy Perry
Pete Hall
April 14, 2014

Katy Perry. Katy Fuckin' Perry. Not only one of the most successful pop stars of all time, but literally one of the most attractive people on the planet. Seriously. My love for Katy (I feel like I can call her that, because we're so close) is all encompassing, and in this article, I attempt to make the argument that she is a true Dudefest Dude without talking too much about her breasts.


Let's start with those, though: them titties. Yes, Katy Perry's cans are massive and, one can only assume, glorious. They have a life of their own: their own Facebook fan page (several, actually), a Twitter account with almost 8,000 followers (and a handful of copycats with much fewer), and sometimes I dream about them at night. But no, this isn't going to be another 1,000-word thesis about one body part of an attractive celebrity that I have a crush on. Although, it totally could be. I don't know if I made that clear, those are some insane boobies. Seriously, I think that if I managed to ever see even one, I would immediately end my life because no sight could ever meet that glory. Let's move on from the titties, though, before I write myself into a corner. A boob corner. Before I write myself into her cleavage. (Which, if it were possible, I would absolutely do with no hesitation. Look, it's happening!)


Katheryn Elizabeth Hudson was born probably like 30 years ago, somewhere, that's not really important. I'm sure she had a childhood and all her friends told her she was amazing and the best singer ever, or maybe she got bullied by some fat chick on the playground that used to push her off the swings. I don't know, Wikipedia doesn't really help out with that kind of shit. What I do know is she tried to make it as a Gospel singer, because she grew up in a really sheltered household that would never let her listen to pop music. Let's stop and thing about that for a second—she is one of the most successful artists ever, and she very nearly didn't do anything remotely musical with her life because her parents thought "secular music" made Jesus cry. Can you imagine robbing your child of an opportunity like that because of some stupid and just obviously false belief? Can you imagine if Michael Phelps's mom had decided that if God wanted Man to swim he would have given him fins? Can you imagine how many children are out there right now living lives so sheltered from their true calling that they will never get to even try the one thing in which they could be the the greatest of all time?


Well, it's irrelevant, because she apparently got noticed singing in church (she was that fucking good) and went to Nashville to learn how to write songs and play guitar, and recorded a Gospel album that sucked so hard the label went bankrupt. She later signed with Columbia Records, and they did some dumb garbage by making her sing with some dumb garbage band on an album that was never released or even finished, and then the label dropped her (after failing to release or finish another album she recorded). Whatever moron decided to drop her definitely feels like a big dumb jabronie right about now. She dicked around with music for a couple years, writing some songs that found their way onto the soundtrack for something called THE TRAVELING PANTS SISTERS (we haven't reviewed it, so I haven't seen it) and a song recorded by Kelly Clarkson for an album she released in 2009 (even though I was sure she died in 2005). Katy also sang backup vocals on a P.O.D. song, another band that I thought had been dead since the early 2000s.


While all that crap that nobody cares about was happening, someone at Columbia Records talked her up to somebody at Virgin Records (why he was talking her up to a competitor instead of keeping her on his own label boggles my mind) and she was eventually signed by Capitol Music Group, a merger between Virgin and Capitol. Part of the deal involved the new label gaining the master tracks from her unfinished solo album with Columbia, which went on to become One of the Boys, her eventual breakout hit. The label felt the album lacked a "smash hit", so she sat down with some guy and threw some shit together in about 40 minutes. That shit turned out to be I Kissed a Girl, which I guarantee you've heard if you didn't go completely deaf before mid-2008. Obviously, that shit got so famous that I literally had it stuck in my head the entire time I was writing this article, and I don't even like the song.


The rest, as they say, is history. Katy Perry and her gigantic bosoms have been famous as fuck ever since, recently gracing the cover of GQ which inspired me to write this article in the first place because come on look at her.


Chicks can be dudes, for sure, and Katy Perry definitely is one. Coming from a sheltered, ultra-Christian upbringing and turning into one of the most successful pop stars is unlikely to begin with, but the fact that she embraces her sexuality and expresses it overtly (in either a tongue-in-cheek commentary on the music industry and sexualization of female pop stars or simply a blatant display of her ample goods in order to sell records and concert tickets) seems nigh impossible given her background.


Not pictured: subtlety.

Whether it is a commentary, or simply a ploy for greater financial gain, Katy owns her image and does what she pleases with it. There isn't much that is more Dudefest than that.

Pat Holland really wants you to read this one, Katy. If you'd rather talk privately, you can email him and he probably won't completely freak out.

04-30-2014 | 2:58 PM
I love this. Marry me.
04-30-2014 | 10:41 PM
I know this is fake, but I still had a heart attack when I first saw it.
04-28-2014 | 5:39 PM
I would have sex with her
04-29-2014 | 11:47 AM
Pure class.
04-14-2014 | 10:54 AM
Also she's into dudes and chicks apparently, which seems pretty Dudefest to me
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First Article
March 10, 2014
Each week, the Dudefest dudes profile a dudefest dude who holds a special place in Dudefest history.
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