Here at Dudefest.com, we have a deep respect for all women, whether they be real or fictional, animated or live action. To honor the bangin’ babes that don’t get the attention they deserve just because they’re “animated” and “lusting after cartoon characters is creepy” (fuck you, Dad), the following Dudefest Dozen lists, in no particular order, the Hottest Animated Chicks.
First, the ground rules: to narrow down the field, I decided to limit the pool to feature-length animated films (no Erin Esurance on this list), and only those that received major releases. I can’t expect you to google every other title to understand the references to some 6-minute animated short that only members of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences (the guys that put on that huge awards show every year: you know, the Darwin Awards) had an opportunity to see. Also, the chicks are limited to those from films I’ve actually seen: just because she was hot on the poster doesn’t guarantee her a spot on this list. Without further ado, let's get started.
Jasmine, ALADDIN (1992):
Oh my lord, Princess Jasmine, you don’t even know what you’re doing to me. I like to think I have a shot with a chick like her, because her father is actively pursuing suitors for her. Plus, she likes common guys way more than those arrogant douchebag princes she meets all the time, so I’ve got that going for me, which is nice. But the whole point of all the suitors is that her dad wants her to get married, and I’m not sure I’m ready for that level of commitment yet.
I guess one disadvantage is the fact that I don’t have a sweet magic carpet that I can use to woo her through the fear of death (“Don’t you dare close your eyes!”), and that big ass tiger seems like a huge cockblock. But when she’s captured by Jafar and forced to wear that slave garb, that’s when I first learned what that indescribable feeling of an erection was.
Elsa, FROZEN (2013):
Most of the time, she comes off like a frigid bitch, a total ice queen. But you know she has a warm heart, and once she finally chills out, the tensions between her and her (also super hot) sister cool off dramatically.
All puns aside, Elsa is freakin’ banging. When she builds herself an ice castle and changes her wardrobe into that classy ice gown, she exudes confidence, and confidence is sexy (and so is showing off a little bit of leg). Also, all I could think about was how good she would be at doing that ice cube trick that Cosmo keeps talking about. The animators really didn’t skimp on the canimation (that’s when they animate her cans) for her—she’s actually one of the bustier Disney Princesses (or Queen I guess, in this case).
Apparently, some closed-minded morons (that haven’t even seen the movie) are condemning it for portraying Elsa as a lesbian—they see the facts that she has no romantic interest, and that she is told to “conceal, don’t feel” the manner in which she was born different (which she rejects when she decides to no longer “be the good girl [she has] to be”), as pushing a pro-homosexual message on children. There is literally nothing wrong with Disney portraying a character who may or may not be homosexual in a positive manner, except for the fact that if that animated woman is indeed a lesbian, then I have no chance with her. It does get the ol’ mental porno theater fired up, though.
Jessica Rabbit, WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT (1988):
In researching this article, I was happy to find out that I am not the only person weird enough to make a list of the hottest animated chicks. I was a little disappointed that so many of those lists placed Jessica Rabbit in the top spot, but there’s no avoiding that. She’s possibly the hottest cartoon woman of all time, even though she could totally only have one eye and nobody would know.
Unfortunately, she’s married the entire time we know her, so it looks like I don’t have much of a shot with this one either. She does like funny guys, which is totally how I think of myself (and hopefully you do too, otherwise why the hell do you read my articles?), so maybe she has a sister or something that she could set me up with.
The rules of Toons are a bit fuzzy, so I don’t really know if Human-Toon relationships are common, or weird, or even possible. She’s a Toon Human, but her husband is a Toon Anthropomorphic Rabbit, and one would assume that they bone. So bestiality clearly doesn’t exist across different Toon species, but can a Toon Human bang a regular Human? These are the important questions.
Belle, BEAUTY AND THE BEAST (1991):
Belle is one banging broad. She’s a big nerd, so we have that in common. And she apparently goes for hairy dudes, so it looks like I might be able to make something happen here.
I thought Jessica Rabbit’s bestiality implications were bad, but this is some pretty heavy shit. There’s no denying it, she definitely falls in love with an actual beast, which is just as bestial as you can get. They’re beyond implying it and basically just straight up saying that Belle would have been down to bang Beast in his non-human form. She’s got the Stockholm syndrome thing going on, too. Would she have fallen in love with a literal monster if she hadn’t been captured and held hostage by him? Definitely not. She even defends him (twice, when he’s attacked by wolves and again by Gaston), which is textbook capture-bonding; talk about baggage. Belle suffers from some serious psychological phenomena.
She’s very kind-hearted, though, and look at those gigantic doe eyes. I once met a girl in real life that had eyeballs that big, and I almost proposed to her on the spot. I’m willing to overlook her potentially crippling mental illnesses in order to hit that.
Nani Pelekai, LILO & STITCH (2002):
This is definitely a sleeper pick, as Nani doesn’t seem to get as much love from my fellow creeps on the internet. I think she is one flyin’ Hawaiian, though, and I stand by my choice.
She manages to provide for herself and her rambunctious little sister, even while being faced with a major intergalactic incident. She’s a strong, capable caretaker, and she looks good in a bathing suit. Plus, she can surf, and that’s pretty neat.
Being the legal guardian of her little sister gives her somewhat of a MILF vibe, but without the older woman/cougar implications that usually brings to mind. It’s a nice balance between nurturing and nubile.
Helen “Elastigirl/Mrs. Incredible” Parr, THE INCREDIBLES (2004):
She might not be the all-time hottest animated woman, but Helen Parr’s got some tricks up her sleeve that definitely earned her spot on this list.
Let’s cut right to the chase and talk about her superpowers. Helen is one bendy woman, and the weird shit I’m sure she can do is a big reason that I’ve selected her. She turns her entire body into a goddamn parachute at one point, so I’m convinced that she’d be willing and able to turn herself into a weird sex swing or some shit.
She’s also a strong-willed, nurturing woman and mother and all that, too. She’s a definite MILF—three kids and she still looks that good. I mean, yeah, a big part of it is that she can bend and shape her body at will, but she looks just as good as a mother of three as when she was a hot, active crimefighter. Also, talk about booty. Damn.
Fa Mulan, MULAN (1998):
Mulan makes my list not just because I’m really into Asian chicks, but also because she’s a total freaking badass. Growing up in a society and a time period that didn’t exactly treat its women fairly (understatement of the century), Mulan saves her father’s life by pretending to be his son and going to war in his place. Also, she was bored as shit at home and desperately needed adventure, but she still did an awesome thing.
There’s not much else to say about her: she manages to pass herself off as a dude in the company of a bunch of male soldiers for an extended period of time (however long it takes to make men out of a spineless, pale, pathetic lot), which is really impressive.
When it comes right down to it, Mulan is a good-looking chick, and I would let her make a man out of me. So come on, Mulan—let’s get down to business.
Pocahontas, POCAHONTAS (1995):
Pocahontas is a lot more than just a hot native chick who talked to trees before AVATAR made it cool. She’s also pretty much the only one that ends up still single at the end of the movie, because John Smith has to go back to England for surgery and in all likelihood dies on the way. So I think I could totally get with her.
She apparently likes dudes that are adventurous, and can climb rocks or whatever, and I think I could convince her that I fall somewhat into those two categories. She’s friends with a couple of anthropomorphized animals, a raccoon and a hummingbird, and they would be a lot of fun to hang out with. I just hope having my own sentient woodland creature buddies isn’t a requirement for doing her, because that seems like a really unattainable goal (even more so than banging cartoon characters).
Pocahontas is a total hardbody, which I assume comes from years of just like...walking around and singing to trees and shit. It’s not like she lives a sedentary lifestyle, working in an office 9-5 or anything. She looks damn good, and I would comfort her (sexually) after the inevitable death of John Smith. I’d even pretend to be sad that he died, but only because Pocahontas is completely unaware that the real John Smith was kind of a douchebag.
Chel, THE ROAD TO EL DORADO (2000):
Oh my god, that booty. I could write 1200 words on that thing alone. Seriously, this chick is like 50% ass, in the best way.
Chel spends the vast majority of the movie being extremely sassy, and wearing almost zero clothing. Also, she’s animated to swing the hell out of her ample hips every time she moves, so clearly the artists knew exactly what they were doing.
I think I’ve already said everything I need to about her character with the word “booty”.
Rapunzel, TANGLED (2010):
“Super cute” is the best way I can think of to describe this interpretation of Rapunzel. She’s hot as hell with her long blonde hair, and she’s hot as hell after it gets chopped off and magically turns into a perfectly layered brunette pixie cut. So magical hair, yeah, that’s a plus.
She’s also got the Disney standard gigantic eyeballs, which would be weird as shit in person but totally do it for me on an animated chick. She’s surprisingly empowered and fearless for a woman who's spent the first 18 years of her life trapped in a tiny room at the top of a tower. And in surprisingly good shape, too, for not having any room to exercise. I guess the healing magic of her hair probably keeps her slim and maintains that hardbody status.
Anyway, I’d bang the hell out of Rapunzel, just like she bangs the hell out of people's domes with that frying pan (although I believe it is technically a skillet).
Grand Duchess Anastasia Nikolaevna, ANASTASIA (1997)
Banging Anastasia guarantees you some baggage, what with her entire family being executed during a revolution caused by weird dark magic. Probably worth it long term, if you really like Borscht.
Annie Hughes, THE IRON GIANT (1999)
Maybe it’s just the approximately 10,000 hours I spent watching Friends, but Jennifer Aniston still does it for me, even if it’s just her voice behind an overworked single MILF. She’s a waitress at a diner, so you know you’re probably getting some free pie out of it. Left off the list to prevent it from being too MILF-heavy.
Ariel, THE LITTLE MERMAID (1989)
Ariel is one fly honey, no doubt about that. She rocks that seashell bra like it’s going out of style, and even though I’m really into redheads, she gets points off because she has a tail most of the time, and I’m not sure how that would work. Just imagine the smell.