You dudes all know the deal, if you somehow manage to find a girl who is crazy enough to take care of you for eternity then get ready to buy a disgustingly large diamond. It totally sucks ass I know. Right now the average price of a diamond engagement ring is $3,500. Please take note that this piece of jewelry is NOT the wedding band your lady will be wearing daily to show she’s banging you exclusively. This means that you are throwing down a fuck ton of money for a tiny little stone that you may never see again! Sure I went through my “oh but it’s so shiny” phase but I’m totally over it… well sorta. I require no engagement ring, but here is a list of things in the four grand price range that I want to be given immediately after saying yes to one of you douchebags proposing. Any one of these three options is a perfect substitute for a diamond and will guarantee an increase in weekly blowjobs.

1. A car

Unless you have managed to lock down a trust fund girl, chances are your future bride is not driving her dream car. Let’s set the scene: a romantic meeting, get down on one knee (with no ring), and propose marriage. If she’s not a total slut bag then she’ll still say yes because of love or some shit like that. She might be a little bummed about not getting a ring until you immediately drive her to a car dealership and say “pick one.” FUCK YEAH I’M GETTING A PIMPED OUT RIDE! No chance your fiancée will be upset after getting something new and shiny that will actually be used on a daily basis. Plus if you buy your lady a car it is the primo opportunity to ask for road head. She’ll already be so turned on by the smell of new car, leather, and friend envy you’ll be blowing your load by the first red light. Sounds like a win-win situation to me.

2. A personal bar

Please note that this gift is a much longer process than the car, but similar to the car you’ll get something in return, but now it’s good ol’ fashion drunk bar sex! For starters, if a dude needs to ask how he can spend $3,500 on a home bar then you should be ashamed to even look yourself in the mirror. But lets assume that you’re an intelligent dude who understands that alcohol is the glue that holds a marriage together. You start with a rich mahogany base, next comes the kegerator, a year's supply of premium ale should work nicely, as well as all types of glassware. Next comes the full bar… just the thought of that top shelf gin, tequila, and scotch is turning me on. Also I’m going to be a little needy here and demand a soda system be installed because I can’t be bothered with constantly buying bottles of tonic water if I’m not wearing a diamond ring. Also there’s the TV, fridge, and don’t forget the wine cellar! Buy me this now when we’re young so we can sauced and bang on that bar for decades to come.

3. Any other expensive object!

Unless you’re engaged to a hermit who only needs the gift of nature to be happy then you are about to be bound for life to someone’s “I want” list. Fuck even the crunchies have this list, except it’s probably for ice climbing equipment or some shit like that. So use your dude brains and start listening to your girlfriend when she says “OMG I totally want that but it’s so expensive! Sigh… maybe one day.” THIS IS YOUR CLUE DUMBASS! Remember the name of this thing and see how much it costs. Chances are that whatever ridiculous object she’s talking about costs a couple grand at least and buying it after proposing marriage will still increase your number of blowjobs.

Now comes the harsh reality… YOU WILL HAVE TO BUY ALL THIS SHIT NO MATTER WHAT! Sorry dudes, but that’s the reality of marriage. We make sure you don’t die from alcohol poisoning or some disease that’s growing in your toilet and in return you buy us presents. It’s a fabulous system for everyone. Quick disclaimer, even if I get one of these gifts instead of a diamond ring I still require a platinum wedding band. They average in the $1,500 range. So just make sure your future wife isn’t a total psycho who will scratch your eyes out if she doesn’t get a rock and give her one of these three presents instead of a diamond ring. Long story short… I just saved you $4,000.

You’re welcome.