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Eating Doritos
Jimmy Fraturday
April 29, 2014

Doritos are fucking delicious. This is a fact that every man knows. I won't entertain the thoughts of some douchebag readers, mainly the thought that Cool Ranch Doritos are acceptable in any way. We've all been there, tempted to eat them, to step away from the deliciousness of the red bag and try the blue. Stop it. There can only be one best flavor of Doritos, and its Nacho Cheesier. Not Nacho Cheese. I'm talking straight 90's to early 2000's when that shit was still called Nacho Cheesier. Cheesier than what you might ask? I don't know, but they were delicious. So now after that long, unnecessary and confusing intro I give you the guyde to eating Doritos.

 

Step 1: Acquire the deliciousness.

 

Doritos are pretty much available anywhere you can find food. When you go to make your purchase you must buy the largest bag they have. This is usually labeled "party size" or "family size". Don't let Frito Lay fool you, you are a family of one about to have a big cheesy party (pants optional).

 

Step 2: Set the mood.

 

I usually take my pants off when I eat Doritos. It doesn't really matter where you eat them but you need to be lounging. No one eats Doritos sitting with proper posture. You should be slumped over, laid out, and preferably drunk.

 

Step 3: Eat the entire bag.

 

Lays has a funny little saying on a lot of the products. It's really a dare actually. It says "Betcha Can't Eat Just One". Challenge accepted and failed. Not only should you eat more than one Dorito you need to eat the entire bag. This shouldn't be too hard. I read on the interweb a few years ago that Doritos are scientifically engineered to make us dudes scarf them down by the handful. It has something to do with the balance of fats, cheeses and savory flavors that essentially tricks our minds into not feeling full for longer than normal. Any tricks I can play on my body I fully welcome, and you should too. Who doesn't love surprises? I'm pretty sure that study I read about is true-ish, but really all their work was wasted because we all know that Doritos are fucking delicious.

 

Step 4: Cheesy Fingers

 

This is important. Do not wash your hands after eating all of the Doritos. Keep that cheese on your fingers. It's a badge or honor, to be worn with pride. Also you can draw shit on the wall with cheese which is pretty cool. Go out into public and people will automatically realize that you're a badass with just one look at your fingers.

 

Step 5: Do it all over again.

 

And remember Cool Ranch Doritos are for weirdos and fucking hipsters like Pockets. You don't want to be associated with that shit.

Jimmy Fraturday is THE authoritative voice on playing sports with a beer in hand. He is the son of two great Americans, and he enjoys a good gargoyle over a keg stand. He recently stopped drinking Natty Light during the week. All hate mail can be directed to his email.

3 Comments
04-29-2014 | 12:22 AM
This is by far the worst article I've ever laid my eyes on. You all owe the 3 minutes and 32 seconds back of life you've just wasted. If Barstool and Bro Bible added unfunny writers and a porn title, this would be the results.
04-29-2014 | 2:46 AM
Do you time every article you read?
04-29-2014 | 3:22 PM
Sounds like someone has an acute case of dick-in-butt syndrome
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