Oh fuck it happened again—your friend’s roommate Chet just finished passing around a substance he referred to as “some dank-ass AK-47,” and you (smart guy) took one too many oblivion-seeking tokes. Now your mouth feels like you just played chubby bunny with salt-flavored cotton balls and you can’t sit for five seconds without trying to unstick your balls from your thigh. Don’t panic, we’ve all been there: let us at Dudefest.com be the spirit-guides on your Funyun-addled mind-voyage. Here are some nuggs (of wisdom) to help you survive your trial by fire.
1) TELL LOTS OF STORIES
You’re charismatic and hilarious and everybody knows it—so what if you can’t finish a sentence or maintain prolonged eye contact? And what better way to remind everyone of your acerbic wit than by regaling the captive audience with some anecdotes from your youth. Like that one time in eighth grade when you made out with Suzie Saltzman at the homecoming dance and your braces got locked together so tightly that when she sneezed directly into your mouth you threw up all over her face. Or how about when you fell off your neighbor’s backyard dirt-ramp and had to carry a donut pillow around for three months while your fractured butt-bone healed. If you’re really feeling brave, try explaining a rad astronomy fact you learned from a Neil deGrasse Tyson YouTube video. In any case, stay cool: nobody noticed that when you tried to enunciate the word “coccyx” you drooled all over your shirt.
2) EAT EVERYTHING
Every fiber of your being wants to shotgun the can of Sour Cream & Onion Pringles you found under Chet’s futon, and you can’t think of even one reason why you shouldn’t. Just like binging on carbs after a long night of boozing helps you sober up, fisting Skittles into your face and snorting lines of Dorito dust can only put you at ease: it's simple science. This isn’t a tortoise-and-hare situation either: you’ve got to eat, and you’ve got to do it right this fucking second. Don’t have any snacks lying around? Get creative! Raw condiments can provide the perfect accent to a loaf of bread or some old, sad-looking vegetables. If all else fails, there’s always delivery—but make sure you figure out the tip before the guy arrives.
3) SUBTLY ATTEND TO URGENT BODILY NEEDS
Now that you’ve eaten, this is the ideal time to manage your neglected personal hygiene. It’s not your fault you didn’t get a chance to brush your teeth this morning: you’ve got all this stuff to do! As long as nobody is looking, it’s totally acceptable to…
- Violently pick your nose and smear the boogers anywhere—the whole world is a canvas to your snot-rocket paintbrush.
- Change seats as an excuse to crop dust your farts across the room.
- Use the bathroom clumsily and then stare at your reflection in the mirror: proceed to meticulously examine your complexion and seriously consider buying expensive exfoliating cream.
- Readjust the boner you’re just now realizing you have.
If at any point you are caught in the act, feign ignorance, wait five to ten seconds, and get back to business. Finally, once your gross urges are satisfied...
4) NEVER EVER GO OUTSIDE AGAIN
Put on some dope-ass funk, get comfortable, and fire up the GameCube. It’s going to be like this forever.
Hot Carl hates Christmas. Fuck your cooked goose.