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Hooking Up With Your Best Friend's Girlfriend
Joe Kennedy
April 22, 2014

So you're in love with your best friend's girlfriend. Or she's just hot and you want to stick it to her. The Dudefest.com dudes get it, we're all in a similar situation. I'm kidding, we're not. In fact, no one else in the entire world is. You're the only one who feels that way, you sick bastard. But your illness and lack of a father is not going to prevent me from helping you in your incredibly misguided (or should I say misguyded) quest to ruin a friendship and a relationship, because this is Dudefest.com damn it, and we're always here to help.

 

For obvious reasons, how to go about banging your best friend's girlfriend entirely depends on the friendship dynamic between the two of you. Also for obvious reasons, I'll be relating friendship dynamics to historic NBA duos. This, in turn, means that you'll need to have some basketball knowledge before learning how to kill your best friend's hopes and dreams. For a quick crash course on basketball history, click here. I'm kidding again, that was just a picture of a pangolin. For actual basketball history, click here.

 

Now that you're all up to speed, let's get into it so you can get into it. The second "it", of course, refers to your best friend's girlfriend. What's your friendship dynamic?

 

Stockton and Malone

 

For the first case, you're Malone and he's Stockton. This is a favorable scenario for you, because it means that he is the perfect wingman. As long as you pick a nice place to roll around with his girlfriend, he'll pass her to you.

 

For the second case, you're Stockton and he's Malone. This is a slightly more difficult scenario, but it's certainly doable. Since you're always his wingman, you're obviously the one who set the two of them up in the first place. Use that and your ridiculously long friendship to your advantage, and with some luck, you'll be finally be the one to deliver her your package.

 

Pippen and Jordan

 

 

We'll get the first scenario over with quickly by saying you're Michael Jordan and he's Scottie Pippen; thus you've already banged your best friend's girlfriend and do not need my advice.

 

Second scenario, you're Pippen and he's Jordan. This will be a much more difficult process, and the odds are stacked against you. The only hope you have is if your best friend goes on a very long vacation, perhaps due to a desire to change occupations or a crippling gambling addiction. This extended hiatus is your only chance with her. Make it count. If you do it, he'll probably be cool with it when he gets back.

 

Shaq and Kobe

 

 

For the Shaq and Kobe dynamic it doesn't really matter if you're Shaq and he's Kobe or you're Kobe and he's Shaq. Either way, you both despise each other, and your friendship is that stereotypical teenage girl frenemy bullshit. You're like Lennon and McCartney in '69, Stalin and Trotsky in '36, or Rick and Shane in season 2. Consequently, this is perfect for your intentions. So do it. Bang his girlfriend. His level of hatred towards you already cannot rise, and he's probably plotting to bang your girlfriend anyway. This begs the question though: why do you both have girlfriends then, and better yet, why in God's name are the two of you still friends, let alone best friends?

 

Duncan and Robinson

 

 

I'm guessing that the nickname "The Twin Towers" does not apply to you and your best friend (unless of course you both are at least 6'11"), but I assume that the two of you do have a similarly styled "twin" nickname. For the sake of this example I'll go with "The Twin Dancers". You and your twin dancer are not only best friends, you guys are BFFs, and since "gentle giants" doesn't apply here, you're both gentle dancers. Because of this, there is absolutely no possible way you're still reading this article (the title of the article probably drove you away before you even started reading it), because you would never, ever hook it with your BFF's girlfriend, and he would never hook it with yours. You did, however, double team that chick that one time, but that's neither here nor there.

 

Happy Hookings!

 

Since all male friendships fit into one of these four dynamics (well technically there's a fifth, but nobody wants their friendship to involve Isiah Thomas), you should have all the information you need to hook up with your best friend's girlfriend. Good luck with your quest, and after that, good luck with finding new friends.

Joe Kennedy has a Stockton-Malone friendship with Henry, a Pippen-Jordan friendship with Koella, a Shaq-Kobe friendship with Fraturday (everybody does), and a Duncan-Robinson friendship with Holland, since they're the two tallest. Email him about it.

7 Comments
06-02-2014 | 5:43 PM
Kennedy and I totally doubleteamed that one chick that one time, and it was awesome.
06-02-2014 | 5:46 PM
It was good. I wouldn't say it was awesome.
06-01-2014 | 1:18 PM
Is Kennedy saying that Koella has hooked up with his girlfriend?
06-02-2014 | 5:45 PM
Yes.
04-29-2014 | 3:31 PM
My friendship with Joe is "Isiah-esque"
06-02-2014 | 5:47 PM
Then that would make me Joe Dumars. I concur with your sentiment.
04-22-2014 | 10:11 AM
I'm Kobe in this scenario. Despite all of my shortcomings and bad behavior, people still love me.
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