Sup Dudes!

I must be absolutely white girl wasted right now because there is no other possible reason I would be dedicating another rant to actually helping you dudes get laid. Do not confuse this advice with general kindness because I wouldn’t be ranting in the first place if you asswhipes weren’t all such sad sacks of shit. We ladies have become so used to the culture of hangout dates, dick pics, and bar hookups that you dudes now have to do jack shit to impress us! Good for you. I’ve taught you dudes how to get girls to not hate you, now I’m going to teach you how to get them to actually like you. So if you want to get laid follow these three little tips.

Tip #1: Appearance

NEWS FLASH! GIRLS ARE SHALLOW! I mean this in the nicest way possible because you have only yourselves to blame. You dudes have set the bar so low you literally only need to be presentable to be considered quality man potential. It is so fucking pathetic that all we want is for you not to smell like ass and wear age appropriate clothing. Seriously if I see one more dude wearing their cargo shorts from high school I am going to light them on fire. I will straight up burn those shorts and give zero fucks while I do it. DO NOT TEST ME ON THIS! So lets start from the beginning, before going out please make sure you don’t smell like sweaty balls and jizz. If the bathing process interferes with your pre-gaming, stop bitching and bring a shower beer with you. When getting dressed, try your best to let go of your “I don’t give a shit attitude.” We get it, and guess what - it's NOT sexy! I’m not saying you need to be ironing your khakis or anything else remotly time consuming. Just don't wear one of your gross smelly t-shirts with the armpit holes that make you look like a child. Check yourself out in a mirror before leaving and ask, "Would the girls I want to bone tonight be embarrassed to be seen with me?" If your answer is, "I don't think so" then you, chief, are in the fucking zone.

Tip #2: Dance

We girls have this unspoken rule that if a dude is a good dancer then he must be fantastic in the sack. While there is no scientific proof behind this theory (yet), it’s hard to argue when the best straight dude dancer I know was also the best sex of my life, hands down. This was an extremely epic circumstance; however, every other decent dancer still did a mighty fine job going to town on me. Now some of you dudes might say “But Sliz, I’m a really shitty dancer.” I literally could not give a flying fuck about the technical difficulty or how successfully executed your dance moves are. All we girls are asking for is a little bit of effort. In all my black out dancing experiences I have no clue if the dude I went home with was a solid grinder or not. Know what I do remember? All the assholes who just sat back and refused to dance. This has happened on more than one occasion and the result was not pleasant. Please just trust me on this one, make the effort to dance and your chances of getting laid will automatically increase.

Tip #3: Calling

This advice is directed at dudes who actually might want to spend more than a slam session with a chick. Say you meet a girl that you really hit if off with and she gives you her number. Go you, dude! Being a dude, your first instinct will be to initiate a texting routine of “Hey, how are ya? want to hangout?” and all that boring shit. Chances are that if you’re aware that this chick is out of your league then you’re fucked from that first text. So what do you do? GROW A PAIR AND CALL HER YA DUMBASS! You dudes are so fucking embarrassing to be around sometimes, claiming that you all have mad game but can’t even sack up and talk to a girl sober using your actual voice. Instead of texting a lame hangout idea, use that phone number and call her to ask for a date. Chances are she will be so thrown off by the fact that you’re call she’ll agree to hangout mostly out of shock. Seriously, I’m speaking from experience-- calling a girl for a date totally works.

I’m guessing that most of you dudes are now smirking at me thinking, "Who the hell does Sliz think she is? I already know all of this.” Well congratufuckinglations dickwad! You are one in a million, so why don’t you few intelligent dudes do me a favor help the rest of these filthy children get their shit together! Oh, and happy hunting!

You’re welcome.