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First Monthly Dudefest Awards (April 2014)
Henry H. Henry, Joe Kennedy
May 06, 2014

April was a pretty good month, right? A lot happened in the thirty day span between March and May. We actually don't remember too much of it, we were pretty hammered from April 1st to 20th and then suffered a crippling hangover for the rest of the month. However, our friends and the internet (our friend IS the internet) tell us that we missed a bunch of big things, many of which deserve some recognition. So, we went through the list of events this month and narrowed the field down to a dudefest dozen-sized group and showered them with the greatest awards on the interwebs. To celebrate the best, worst, dumbest, and most awesome things of April, the Dudefest.com dudes present to you the first installment of the Monthly Dudefest Awards.


Bitch Award



Is this really a question? Joffrey "Baratheon" wins in a landslide. This kid is—sorry, was—a little pussy with a massive anger problem whose actions had absolutely zero consequences. The last fight he was in was when he got beat up by a girl in season one. It was the most satisfying thing to see happen to him until he died at his own stupid wedding. And now he's dead. Bitch.


Idiot Award



Twelve time Dudefest.com Idiot Award Winner Rob Ford (this is the first time we're doing this, but we all know he have been a repeat winner if we had started earlier) was at it again this month, and he managed to sneak it in right before the month was over. After getting caught smoking crack once (remember, he's the mayor of a major city, AND he's trying to get re-elected), he informed the public that it was probably an accident, but historically, crack is not a drug that is done "once" by "accident". So naturally, Ford was caught doing it again, and chose to take a leave of absence from his duties as mayor to enter drub rehabilitation. For what? Alcohol of course. He only does crack accidentally when he's drunk, remember?


Jack Dempsey Memorial Sports Award



The Dudefest.com Sports Award is obviously named after Jack Dempsey, but the question is for what characteristic of Dempsey is it awarded? Athleticism? Masculinity? Rule breaking? This month it's none of those. It's a patriotic choice. The Jack Dempsey Memorial Sports Award of April 2014 goes to Meb Keflezighi. We have no idea how to pronounce his last name, but fortunately for us, we only have to know how to spell it. Keflezighi, an Eritrea-born but America-raised distance runner, won the 118th Boston Marathon, held on Patriots' Day, for America. If we also gave out an America Award, he'd win it too.


Internet Award



As usual, a lot of stuff happened on the Internet this month. We'd say it was an average month. But, one thing that really gained steam this month was the music video for the song, "Turn Down For What", by DJ Snake & Lil Jon. DJ Snake, known for production on Lady Gaga's album, Born This Way, and Lil Jon, known for his famous rap one-liners like "What?", "Okay!", and "Yeah!", released the "Turn Down For What" in December 2013. They waited three months before releasing one of the weirdest but most awesome music videos since "Gangnam Style". There's not much we can say about the video itself, other than watch it. It's terrifyingly delightful.


Wingman Award



We feel that the wingman is a criminally under-appreciated role. It’s a tough, selfless job, and the wingman never gets the glory. Example? Chewbacca, Han Solo’s wingman, was the only guy NOT to get a medal in STAR WARS. Well, here at Dudefest, we recognize this important role. This month, it goes to David Letterman for deciding to leave his post at Late Night with David Letterman. While this in itself doesn’t make him a wingman, his departure provided an opening for CBS to hire Stephen Colbert, which is awesome. I’m sure he won’t be doing his same character from The Colbert Report, but he’s proven himself to be insightful and hilarious enough to really own it at his new sport. Colbert’s interviews are especially great, because he’s almost always in total control of the conversation and rarely disappoints. Even when guests don’t show up, he can pull it together to make a great show. Basically, we think him moving to Late Night is the best thing to happen to the talk show format in a while, and this wouldn’t have happened without David Letterman.


Footjob Award



You're probably asking yourself, "What is the Footjob Award?" We'll counter with the question, "What one word would you use to describe a footjob?" Were this an actually conversation, we'd probably say, at the exact same time, "Weird". That's what the Footjob Award is for. An incredibly bizarre or weird moment. So who gave Dudefest.com the best footjob this month? "The Atari Dig." For those who haven't heard of the Atari burial: in 1983, Atari, Inc., realized that their game E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial was the worst thing ever made. Not just the worst video game, the worst thing. Long story short, they decided it would be best to simply bury all remaining copies of the game. So, they did. In New Mexico. With other video games too for some reason. And this past month, over thirty years after the mass burial, excavation started on the site, and after a couple of days had discovered a plethora of games. Games that no one wanted in 1983, but plenty of collectors and enthusiasts will want now, because of their status as part of the world's worst treasure/time capsule ever. Maybe that was Atari's game all along.


Thing Award



The best thing that happened this month was, without question, the teenager who flew to Hawaii from California in the wheel well of an airplane. Several questions pop into my head after hearing about this, like why did he do it? How did he get in there? How did he live? Was Hawaii as great as he thought it would be? The answers are: Because Hawaii is really really nice, because the TSA sucks, we don’t know, and almost definitely yes. You really do have to wonder how he survived five hours in subzero temperatures in an unpressurized and low-oxygen compartment or how he didn’t descend into a freefall and become a human pancake when the wheel doors opened up on landing. You also have to wonder how a teenager who almost definitely didn’t have security clearance was able to sneak into an airport and get in the plane. However, since everything ended safely, we can chalk it up as a win for the month.


World Of Darkness Award



We here at Dudefest.com think it's important to take time out of every month to recognize the biggest piece of shit for who he really is, as he has single-handedly helped pull our world into a world of darkness. This month, it goes to none other than the NBA's grumpy old racist, Donald Sterling. If you hadn't heard, a recording of LA Clippers owner Sterling telling his girlfriend not to take pictures with black people like MAGIC JOHNSON. This is especially awkward, since he has one or two employees that may be angry about his feelings toward other races. Good job pissing off your peers, employees, fans, people who don't even watch basketball... pretty much everyone. Fitting that he's never won an NBA Championship in his 33 years of owning the team. The guy's a loser.


Participation Award



Hey, he's here everybody! This month's participation award goes to William Fichtner. You may know him as "that guy" from a bunch of movies and TV shows over the past several years. He didn't really do anything this month, not that you would've heard about it anyway. He didn't make the news for anything fantastic, nor did he cause a stir for any controversy. But hey, he's probably out there grinding away at something, and for that reason he gets the Participation Award.


Brown Note Award



Internet Explorer (and we guess Microsoft) wins by a landslide for April. Just kidding, OpenSSL (and by my previous logic, open source—this was truly the month of horrifying software security issues) was close, but yeah, of course IE won. Everybody who doesn't have grandchildren already hates Internet Explorer, due to it being the Comcast of web browsers: incredibly ugly, depressingly behind the times, and simply the worst. But this month we found out that IE had a bug in it that made it possible for someone to take over your computer if you clicked on a bad link. To be fair though, the only you really need IE for is to download Chrome.

Henry "Fuck the Haters" Henry is getting too old for this shit.


Joe Kennedy is a staunch technophobe and suffers from a debilitating fear of human hands. If for some reason you'd like to get in touch with him, send a letter to 463 Mass Ave Cambridge MA 02139.

05-06-2014 | 9:22 AM
Whewwww that was a close one. I thought I might win the World of Darkness this month because of my next to 0 contributions towards the site last month!
05-07-2014 | 1:43 AM
Of course you didn't win an award. We don't give out a douche award.
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