Oh no. Oh god no. Remember what a great idea it sounded like to try out that new Mexican place? I mean sure it had a C rating, but it just seemed so homey. Well shockingly, that seems to have backfired, no pun intended. Now you're in some deep shit. You've got a number two inside that's bangin' around like a brick in a washing machine, and you just cranked it up to spin cycle. There's no time to go home, and not a chance in the world you're gonna be able to keep turtle-heading it, so it's time to just man up and hit your local public restroom. Stay calm, be easy, and everything should go smoothly.
Work, school, wherever you are, check for others as soon as you open the door. When looking at stalls make sure to look underneath, because making eye contact through the sliver of space between the door and the wall is the most grievous offense one can commit. Both parties are scarred for life, and no one wants that. If there is no one else in the bathroom, you've hit the jackpot. You may shit in peace. But let's assume for the sake of this article that there's at least one more person in this restroom. With that knowledge, you can truly get down to business.
Your first move should be extremely loud, starting when you enter the stall. If you can kick the door open, do so. This will catch your deuce counterpart by surprise, and you will already have begun asserting your dominance. Next, if they have one of those dispensers for the tissue paper that covers the seat, set it on fire. If you see sprinklers or smoke alarms overhead, just ignore it. Everyone knows that those are just there for the women who happen to accidentally stumble into the men's room. A man's ass should require no protection; a man's ass is its own protection. If the germs covering your southern hemisphere aren't strong enough to repel the germs already on that toilet, you don't even deserve an anus.
When pulling down your pants, sigh. This is a step that may seem strange, and even unimportant, but I assure you it is anything but(t). When you sigh casually in a public restroom, not only do you sound un-nervous, you sound straight up comfortable. As if this rest stop Arby's was located just down the hall from your living room. As if you've got a weathered stack of Playboys already next to the toilet. When you sit, and finally release, then it is time to show how comfortable you truly are in this situation.
If you have gas, exploit it. If you have rage, exploit it. I am telling you to gather up every weapon in your anal arsenal and let fly, barrels blazing. Make your presence KNOWN. The guy a couple stalls down shouldn't just be shocked, or laughing, he should be frantically looking for his phone to call 911, because he's afraid he may have just witnessed a suicide. As soon as you're finished raining hellfire down upon this poor porcelain peasant, break the tension. Don't say anything, just make a sound. My personal favorite is "Whew!" as if you've just finished taking down an oak tree, or the chuckle. The chuckle is a perfect nail in the coffin to drive home how much you just made this bathroom your bitch.
Wiping is encouraged, but I don't pass judgment. When you're done expelling everything, stand and face your poo. Hopefully, if you've completed all the steps correctly, the stranger in question will be looking under the stalls, and see you turn towards your adversary. Just loud enough for him to hear, exclaim "Wow." Not only did you just poop in public, you're goddamn proud of it. He knows it, you know it, and anyone unfortunate enough to be sitting near the restrooms knows it. When you wash your hands, use one squirt of soap. Hopefully, the stranger will emerge as you are almost done drying them, being too much of a nerdlinger to come out while you might still be around. When you see him, establish eye contact. Say nothing, just nod. He now knows he is truly a lesser dude, and you can go home without shit-stained khakis. Cheers all around.
You can find more of Pockets's dangerously misinformed decisions by following him on twitter @tharealpockets.