In case you haven't heard, the NFL draft is in just a few days. I don't know how it would be possible to have not heard about it, considering that it's being advertised on every single TV channel and website that exists. ESPN, and NFL network all seem like logical places for them to advertise, but I'm fairly certain I saw Jadeveon Clowney and Johnny Manziel on Sesame Street the other day singing about how to accomplish your dreams by simply being more talented than everyone else. If you're not, well, that kinda sucks for you.
For the diehard NFL fans, like myself, the nonstop pre-coverage isn't an issue, it's like foreplay. An uncomfortably long time spent building anticipation and getting excited, only to end in disappointment, shame, and having to wait an entire year to experience it again. In order to fully enjoy the pain that is watching your team select the players that will miss tackles, throw interceptions, and make you ashamed of the team you root for, you should remember these rules.
1. On draft day, your team will always select the greatest player in history. With every pick. Did your team just go 'Full Ditka' and trade away their next eight picks to select a running back? Great! There's no chance he'll retire in a few years to wander around getting stoned. You traded up to take one of the two best QB prospects in years! Ryan Leaf is just as good as Peyton Manning, so no worries. Your team just moved into the top 5! You got a QB who only played one season in college, but he's definitely never going to run into his Offensive Lineman's ass and end up on national TV multiple times a day for a solid year. Your team only drafts superstars. That's why they're picking in the top 10 every year, right?
2. Your biggest rivals only pick chumps. That QB they got in the 6th round will never see the field, let alone win three Super Bowls in four years. That signal caller your arch-nemesis took in the third round is only 5' 11” so there's no way he'll make it in the NFL. The massive QB your historically biggest enemy just took will never win anything, especially not 15 games in his rookie season and a Super Bowl the next. Considering he grew up and played college ball a couple hours from your city, you know that for a fact. Honestly, you should probably wait a few years for Brady Quinn to be available on draft day. Now that's a true blue Ohio product.
3.This goes for all vaguely sports related activities, but get as drunk and rowdy as possible. The actual season doesn't start for a few months, but your team is laying the foundation for their future. The next chapter of your misery starts today and if you're not knocking back as many cold ones as your liver can handle, you're doing it oh-so-wrong. Make sure you'll feel no shame when you proclaim how your team will win every game for the next 10 years now that you have Jamarcus Russell. Anyone making $61 million right out of college is going to be phenomenal, so now is the time to celebrate. That's right. Celebrate before winning. That's what winners do.
4. Enjoy the Draft. Some people are really into watching NASCAR just so they can see the crashes. I'd imagine these people are big fans of the draft as well. Granted, when NASCAR drivers crash it's a few seconds of fire and everyone walks away no worse for wear. When a team crashes on draft day it's like watching WW2 in real time. Lots of agonizing pain followed by a massive explosion that leaves local children with leukemia and birth defects. And remember, don't be bitter when your team struggles. It's all the GM's fault, and you'd be way better at his job anyway.
Lee Borden is still a better NFL prospect than Tim Tebow.