You know who you are, because most likely I have already told you how much I hate you right to your face. Allow me to be more specific: I don’t hate you personally. In fact I most likely enjoy your company. I just hate everything you do on a regular basis. Hiking, yoga, tofu, granola bars, you name it and chances are I hate it. For those of you that know me personally I highly suggest you not even bother reading this rant because you’re already well versed on my hatred of your habits and lifestyle preferences. But to all of you internet strangers out there fasten your seat belts, it’s going to be a bumpy rant!
I am so fucking sick of listening to people get boners over digging in the dirt. News flash, douchebags: gardening is a fucking necessary task to get food we eat and last I checked it’s no reason to throw a rager. Sure I plan on having a garden one day, when I'm fucking retired and have nothing else to do all day. Except I’m in my mid-twenties, meaning I’m constantly relocating and have zero time to care for a living thing and setting up a garden share is literally the most idiotic choice I could make. Plus being part of a garden share means that you have no idea what produce you’re getting each week. So unless you have enough free time to figure out all the ways to cook a shit ton of celery root before it goes bad, chances are you’re going to be wasting way more than if you just purchased food you actually wanted at a farmers market. By all means keep shelling out for your precious CSAs, just stop acting like you deserve a high five for skipping the middle man and going straight to the source because that’s literally all you’re doing.
Who decided it was okay to make milk out of beans? Seriously, whoever is responsible for this needs to come clean and let me beat their ass. This has nothing to do with the food itself, it’s the smug attitude all you damn crunchies have every time you eat anything organic! Right now there are millions of people who are lactose intolerant and/or have celiac disease, meaning that they are unable to eat delicious, creamy cheeses or pasta without being in agonizing pain and shitting their brains out. Why the fuck would you choose that life by choice? By all means cut down on your meat intake, but stop making everyone else around you feel shitty for not cooking vegan options for your arrogant ass. No matter how you cook tofu it still tastes like… well, nothing. So please stop jizzing your pants over vegan products because it makes you act like a pretentious boob.
Just stop. All of you just stop. Environmental issues are ongoing concerns that require serious research and dedication in order to make an impact on how our world delegates consumption control. Meaning that if you are truly passionate about the future of our planet then consider a career that focuses on the reexamination of environmental outreach on a global scale. I applaud all of you that do and I’ll be the first to buy you a round of drinks. For all of you other eco-friendly preachers that don’t fall into this category please leave right now because I despise all your judgy faces. Before you start bitching at me for not sorting my paper and recyclables, do me a favor and actually check if your town recycles. I might be an asshole but at least I do my research before I go on a ranting ragefest about how my individual negligence is directly killing the environment. And guess what dudes, in the long run I am in fact more environmental conscious than you fuckers! Because the hands down best way to help the environment is by not having children, which I have no intention of doing what with my love of Everclear and other various recreational treats. Meaning that you crunchies can go suck it.
I could easily go on for days about slacklining, teva sandals, and the entire state of Vermont but I’m starting to get scary angry right now. Please remember that I love my crunchie friends with all my heart, I just despise their lifestyle choices. Which is cool because I’m sure they aren’t too keen on my decision to eat highly processed foods or do keg stands on a regular basis. We can still hang out and enjoy each others company, just shut the fuck up about what you learned in Environmental Studies 101 and eat your granola in silence!
Sliz is the angriest writer for Dudefest.com, the other dudes speculate this is due to her not being a dude.