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A Fantasy League of Ice and Fire Week 5
Smigoversen
May 10, 2014

Another week of non-stop action in A Fantasy League of Ice and Fire. OK actually it was mostly talking. But the verbal smack-downs made up for the dearth of killing until the assault on Craster's Keep. One up-jumped Lord has certainly jumped up the power rankings. After only two appearances, Petyr Baelish has proved that he may have a little finger, but he certainly knows how to use it.

 

Littlefinger (745 points)

That might seem like an absurdly high score at first glance, but it accurately reflects the magnitude and importance of the information Lysa told Sansa (and viewers at the same time). HE FUCKING STARTED THIS WHOLE THING! Not the rebellion, he convinced Lysa to kill her husband Jon Arryn. A.K.A the reason Robert went North to Winterfell. A.K.A. the reason Cersei and Jaime were caught banging by Bran. A.K.A. the reason Catelyn captured Tyrion. A.K.A. the reason the Lannisters attacked Ned Stark in Kings Landing and called their banners. A.K.A. the reason Robb became King in the North. A.K.A. do I need to continue because if I keep going I won't have time to talk about the rest of the episode. Long story short, without Littlefinger, this whole show would be about Dany trying to regain her throne, Jon Snow joining the Nights Watch, and Robert being the drunkest King physically possible. Actually that sounds awesome. Fuck you Baelish, I have half a mind to take those points away.

 

King Tommen Baratheon, First of his Name (600 points)

He just got crowned King and there aren't too many folks left to oppose him. On top of that, he wasn't even supposed to be King (as Cersei pointed out to his midnight visitor Margaery). Furthermore, he gets to fuck Margaery. He doesn't get any points for that, I'm just jealous. I'm going to move on before I start sounding like Pat Holland talking about Anna Kendrick/Katy Perry/Jennifer Lawrence's Booty. Actually, I have one more thing. How great would a spin-off of Ser Pounce wreaking havoc in the castle be? Pretty fucking great if you were wondering.

 

Jon Snow (560 points)

The bastard with the prettiest hair in the North (possibly all of the Seven Kingdoms) led a successful assault on the mutineers at Craster's Keep with his black brothers of the Watch. He, Grenn, and Ed all scored big points due to all the killing. Jon's duel with Karl (-100 for dying) was very interesting. Jon doesn't fight dirty, Karl spat in his eye before stabbing him in the leg (-20 for Jon). If it wasn't for one of Craster's daughters/wives, his honor would have killed him. Just like Ned and Robb. Hopefully he learned his lesson, otherwise he’ll be Jon Blood Splatter on Snow.

 

Brandon Stark (90 points)

While not a top scorer this week, Bran had some interesting developments in his story line. For starters, he got rescued. But not before Locke tried to kill him. That didn’t work out great for Locke. While on his way to take him to Lord Bolton at the Dreadfort, Bran warged into Hodor. Hodor hodor’d the chains that he was hodor’d too and then hodor’d Locke’s hodor until he hodor’d. That was a dick move on Bran’s part. He shouldn’t warg into people, especially if he’s going to commit murder. Did you see how upset Hodor looked when Bran went back to his body? Hence, Bran lost a couple points for that. And honestly, if Hodor didn’t want to rescue Bran after that I wouldn’t have blamed him. But, Hodor is a better hodor than myself so the Three Eyed Raven Gang is headed North once again.


Queen Regent Cersei Lannister (450 points)

Cersei has one mission right now. To make sure that her vertically challenged brother becomes shorter by a head. That seems like a pretty easy task to accomplish considering he’s on trial for murdering the King. So what does she do? She goes out of her way to suck up to all of the judges. She starts with Margaery at Tommen’s coronation. Margaery tells her Dad Mace what to think so she cut straight to the chase after seeing the only woman to marry two (soon to be three) Baratheons. I almost want to take points away for incest, but this is Westeros and the rules are different than America (excluding the deep South of course). Then she moved onto her Father. What did she talk about with him? His favorite thing, Tywin’s legacy and the future of House Lannister. Despite her best efforts, Tywin wouldn’t talk about the trial with her. But I still think she got to him. Well done Cersei. We’ll call it 2 for 2 for the sake of this article. Finally she spoke with everyone’s favorite pansexual Dornishman, Oberyn Martell. I think someone needs to check his hamstrings or something because this was a fairly muted performance from Oberyn (165 points). You could tell that he was affected after she word-slapped him with “Everywhere they hurt little girls”. Oberyn is always talking about how great Dorne is for little girls compared to King's Landing. I wonder if all of this is heavy-handed foreshadowing…

 

With all that said, let’s take a look at the unofficial power rankings of people I want to see more of in the next few episodes:

 

  1. The Hound (yeah I know he’s been in every episode but I enjoy hearing the word ‘cunt’ on television)
  2. The Boltons
  3. Joffrey (just kidding)
  4. Grey Worm
  5. Stannis Baratheon

 

And now the final scores for this week:

 


Things are heating up as we head into the second half of the season. Stay tuned for next week’s Midseason All Star Team. For now, here’s the standings for the season:

 

Smigoversen reads the words and drinks the beers. He twitters here.

6 Comments
05-15-2014 | 4:45 PM
Hodor
05-14-2014 | 11:05 PM
Update: I still only know what about half of the words in this article mean.
05-10-2014 | 9:43 AM
I dropped Tommen this week and picked up Karl. Fortunately Karl's season ending injury (a.k.a. death) didn't get him on the points board with negative points, but it's still not great. Zero points three consecutive weeks.
05-13-2014 | 10:09 AM
It must be hard for you that Tommen's biggest scoring days may have passed and you benefited from none of it. Maybe he'll have sex with Margaery soon?
05-14-2014 | 1:21 PM
Yeah I don't think that's likely. Balls.
05-16-2014 | 11:17 PM
Should've picked up Ser Pounce, we all know he's got a ton of upside potential. Too bad someone already got him!
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