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The Summer of the Cucumber
Jimmy Fraturday
June 20, 2014

I'm not sure if you're aware, but we have a god damn lime crisis on our hands. I briefly read up on the subject and actually had 3 separate friends and my father, Hollywood, send me emails with articles about the Great Lime Crisis of 2014. The crisis is being caused by the combination of an exceptionally wet growing season combined with asshole drug cartels controlling the flow of limes from Mexico (which is where America gets 99% of its limes from). At a certain point this spring, a box of limes was commanding a higher price than a barrel of Mexican crude oil (I honestly thought this was a joke, but it isn't). Smigoversen texted me about the fact that bars in NYC were actually offering discounts on drinks if you brought limes with you for them to have. The Mexicans have literally turned the clocks back and made us into a bartering society. He went on to tell me that instead of limes, Gin and Tonics were being served with LEMONS. I'm no fruit scientist, but I do know that limes and lemons are not the same thing, and don't have the same flavor, so choosing to add lemons would be like trying to pass off using ketchup instead of mustard.

 

I have a solution. I've been preaching about it in nearly every gin related article I have written for this site. The solution is cucumbers. They cost $1, can be easily chopped up, and it turns out they are fucking delicious in Gin and Tonics. This may take some convincing for some of you, but what do you have to lose? You'll get drunk anyway, and if you don't like the taste, you don't have to drink it ever again. As for my plan, bring a cucumber to your favorite bar and ask the bartender to use it. People will likely notice the cuke in your drink and ask you about it. Offer your suggestion to them, and after one sip they'll be hooked. Each time you go to the bar bring a cuke, and in no time you'll create such a demand for it that the bar will start carrying them and making your drink. Hell they might even name it after you. So go out, grab a few cukes, and let summer 2014 be known as the Summer of the Cucumber.

 

And if you still aren't convinced, there are several gins that are actually distilled using cucumber as one of the botanicals. The poster child for these gins is Hendrick's, which is actually a Scottish gin. It's top shelf and delicious on it's own. I wouldn't ruin it with any mixers, but have yourself a Hendrick's martini and float some cukes in it for a refreshing change of flavor for a martini. Another good gin, but not as expensive as Hendrick's that is made with cucumbers is called Botanica. This one is delicious with some tonic and of course, some cuke slices. So there you go you greedy bastards, now get after it, and get some fucking cucumbers.

Jimmy Fraturday actually doesn't like Gin and Tonics with lime at this point. He's as cool as a cucumber. Tell him how cool he is by email.

3 Comments
06-20-2014 | 2:33 PM
A) Shut Up Joe B) Jimmy had me drink one of these a couple summers ago and it ALSO became MY drink of choice. I highly recommend on a hot summers day after baking in the sun, fixing yourself an nice G+T with cuke and using it as a shower drank. Its a refreshing drink with a refreshing act. SOOOOOO nice.
06-20-2014 | 11:34 PM
At least I know how to respond to comments correctly. FINKLE. Also, I'm having a lemon party but you can't come because you're not old enough.
06-20-2014 | 2:48 AM
But aren't lemons closer to limes than cucumbers are...?
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January 04, 2014
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Smigoversen (and occasionally Fraturday) perform "experiments" with alcohol. Every Friday they report their findings. Their observations are unreliable at best.
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