Dudefest.com's Joe Kennedy here to tell you how to bulk up. Do you wish you were more muscular? Are you tired of people constantly coming up to you and asking why you're on a hunger strike? Do you find yourself repeatedly being referred to as "human scarecrow," "paper Mario," "scrawny chicken," "skinny fuck," and "real life stick figure"? Are women constantly turning down your advances because they'd rather be with someone "less pointy"?
Well lads, I have the solution for you. It's called the Joe Kennedy 540° Workout Plan, and it's guaranteed to help you skinny sons of bitches finally get that pesky BMI over 18.5. With this quadrifecta of changes to your lifestyle, sex life, diet, and exercise routine, my workout plan will help you get rid of all that pesky skin and bones and replace it exclusively with muscle. You'll go from looking like a haphazardly Buffalo Bill-ed skeleton to a human being whose parents weren't cousins.
A sizeable contributor to the difficulty of bulking up is trying to get your mind attuned to the idea that the circumference of every major part of your body will be increasing. Helping your brain accept how awesome you're going to look is an incredibly important aspect of actually being able to look that awesome. The best way to jumpstart your progress is by tricking your brain into thinking you're already bulked up. Drop your voice down when you speak. Buy a bunch of sleeveless shirts. Make flexing in front of the mirror a part of your morning routine. Get to the beach as frequently as possible so you can pop your shirt off and ask women which way the ocean is. Seriously, if you pitch something to your brain enough, it will eventually buy it. Just ask Larry Craig.
My workout plan requires all participants to maintain an incredibly active sex life. Most of your thought and effort should go towards maximizing the number of times you orgasm every day. For males, achieving orgasm means that the testes need to move into overdrive in order to replenish the diminished supply of sperm. This increased rate of sperm creation also forces a great deal of testosterone into the body, and testosterone is essentially a muscle building hormone. Simply put, the more frequently you orgasm, the bigger your muscles get.
The key to gaining weight, of course, is taking in huge quantities of protein, but that's only half the battle. Carbohydrates and fats are absolutely detrimental to building muscle mass. Carbohydrates are good exclusively for enhancing endurance, which is why carbo-loading directly before a race is incredibly important for marathoners and Ironman triathletes. Plus, your high caloric percentage carb intake is probably the reason why you're in this skinny mess anyway. Fats, obviously, are great for gaining weight, but in the "motorized cart in Walmart" way. That's not what we're striving for here, dudes.
A recent study from the Kennedy Research Center has found that the supposed correlation between bulking up and lifting weights is actually a myth, so any dude working out his lats on his stupid Bowflex is actually better off spending that time attempting the gallon challenge—with whole milk, or even half and half. Because here's the secret that the exercise equipment industry has been trying keep under wraps for centuries: exercise isn't necessary whatsoever to gain muscle mass. Sure, micro-exercises, like doing toe lifts when standing, puffing your chest in and out, and kegels, are the most effective type of exercise to power up their related muscles, but "most" is relative. The world's fastest snail is still a snail.
With the Joe Kennedy 540° Workout Plan, you can make your dream of switching bodies with Terry Crews a reality. All it takes is tricking your mind, frequently achieving orgasm, increasing your protein intake, and not exercising. So long Skeletor—the Terminator is here to stay!
Testimonials for the Joe Kennedy 540° Workout Plan can be found in the comments section.