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Getting Laid at Farmer's Markets
Smigoversen
June 15, 2014

Step 1: Bring a Girl

 

Chances are any girl you randomly pick out of your phone contacts (probably the entire phonebook in many areas) wants to go to a farmer's market. Why? Instagram, mostly. But also there will be shitloads of food and not just vegetables (gross). Make sure you go to one that has as many photo ops and foods to try as possible. Your goal should be for her to get so many likes and comments on social media that her brain fools itself into liking you.

 

Step 2: Do Your Research

 

You should actually do this before you go to the market, unless you're really good at discreetly googling recipes with ingredients you've never heard of. The reason you want to look up a couple of recipes is so you can look at shit you have no intention of buying and talk about what you could make it with it. You just need to express the desire to cook something to convince people you know how to do it. Saying shit like this is like making plans when you're drunk. Everyone knows you aren't going to actually do it, but it's the thought that counts. If you don't feel like putting in the effort of searching the internet for five minutes, just substitute in random produce for ingredients in normal dishes that you eat all the time. Your creativity will impress her and if a nearby hipster is eavesdropping, he'll probably think you're onto something and open a food truck specializing in it. Then a few months later when you're trying to get laid at a different farmer's market, you'll see the truck. And you can tell that girl that you totally saw this trend coming. You'll seem like you were cool before it was cool to know about things before they were cool.

 

Step 3: Interrogate the People Working There

 

If you really want to look smart, ask tons of questions about everything you see. The people on the other side of the veggies love answering questions about their jawns. Why? Farmer's Markets are one big zucchini measuring contest, and everyone wants to prove they have the biggest green thumb there. When you run out of questions, and you will run out of questions, pretend you're at a job interview. Pepper your questions with meaningless buzzwords. Your objective is to be as vague as possible. This allows the interviewee to do more talking than you. The more they talk, the less dumb opportunities you have to say something stupid. Remember dudes, always do less.

 

Step 4: It's All About Kimchee (spelling?) and Bacon

 

Eventually you're going to run out of people to interrogate and veggies to pretend you want to buy. That means it's time for you to get something to eat. All of your options will fall under one of two categories: Bacon or Chimchee (spelling?) a.k.a. Over the Top or Weird. You need to use contextual clues to determine if your date wants something weird or something terrible for you. With any luck, she wants some bacon. If she wants kimchi (spelling?), you need to get the same thing. Your two options are to suck it up and eat it, or slip the guy some extra $$$ so he'll add bacon to your food. (Pro Tip: Never forget which one is supposed to be yours). If you fuck any of this up, it's over.

 

Step 5: Find the Booze

 

It might seem like there isn't any alcohol at first glance. That is never the case. You just need to find where it's hiding. You might want to include a quick search for potential booze locations when you're doing your recipe research before leaving your house. No matter how unlikely it may appear, there is always something: hard cider, craft beer fill-ups, liquor from microdistilleries, or moonshine (technically the same thing, but not as legal to buy). Find it and drink a lot of it. The booze will give you confidence and much better jokes.

 

Step 6: Leave

 

You know what ends in the afternoons? Farmer's Markets. You know what also happens in the afternoon? Afternoon Delight. Go get laid, tiger. You deserve it.

Smigoversen reads the farms the words and drinks the markets. He twitters here.

6 Comments
06-16-2014 | 10:00 AM
I'm glad someone besides Pat Holland is giving hook up advice because his hasn't worked for me yet.
06-17-2014 | 11:55 AM
Hey it's not my fault if you don't follow the steps exactly. My shit's foolproof, so obviously you're worse than a fool.
06-16-2014 | 8:58 AM
Tim, you obviously bring her to chilis for an app then bang her. What are you new here or something?
06-18-2014 | 11:04 AM
Here's my newest article: The Dudefest Guyde to Replying to Comments. Step 1: Click "Reply" There is no Step 2
06-16-2014 | 12:36 AM
So do you like, go behind a tent to do it? or should this be titled get laid AFTER a farmers market...
06-17-2014 | 5:56 PM
Fuck you Tim I title my articles in the mamner of my choosing with NO INPUT from other people
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