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Hosting an Orgy
June 29, 2014

Maybe you're single, maybe you're in a relationship. Either way, you're tired of the same-old, plain vanilla sex. You've got urges, and for some reason you feel like sweating profusely while also attempting to not make eye contact with other dudes might just quell 'em. You know you want to attend an orgy, but you're not sure where to start. Instead of running the risk of a dude-only sex party or having your skin made into a lampshade, do the easy thing. Cut out the middle-man Craiglist killers and host your own!


First, you've got to make sure you've got the correct environment. There needs to be enough space for everyone to hump comfortably, but not too much that the heat can escape. The accrued sweat of all your guests should be able to foster a sauna-esque environment. If your apartment/dorm/house has what you're looking for, you're lucky. Then you won't have to ask your parents to use their place. If your parents are dead or uncomfortable with the idea of strangers leaking bodily fluids on the sofa you used to watch cartoons on, then you might have to suck it up and shell out some cash for a hotel room. Look for coupons online, as the Holiday Inn has special orgy pricing on weeknights.


Once you've secured your Den of Ejaculation, it's time to organize the guestlist. Keep in mind that you want this orgy to be different from all the rest, but I cannot in good faith recommend that you use Facebook. Yes, I'm sure some would find it flattering to receive an invite to "______'S SUPER SEXY SLAMFEST" but for the most part, it comes off as a little odd. So stick to the classics, and hit up your local Staples Copy and Print Center. Now the wording of your poster should come off as easygoing, but also decently stern. DO NOT LEAVE THINGS OPEN TO INTERPRETATION. A good example to use would be "looking to fuck strangers who are pretty attractive." This is direct, and will hopefully discourage those with "inner beauty" from responding. Make sure to pepper in the phrase "no fatties" as well. Not enough to be offensive, just so they get the idea. As a last resort, just to really separate the wheat from the chaff, ask that every dude bring at least 1 lady. Out of respect.


The day of your orgy, you must take on one of the most demanding tasks involved with this process. Time to start orgy-proofing. Start by removing any cups, bowls, bottles, vases and urns. If it can be jizzed in, it will be jizzed in. Next, head to a Family Dollar, Walmart, or anywhere that sells large quantities of blankets and trash bags. These will act as your Palace of Plow's only line of defense against stains and emotional damage. Line the floor and any furniture with the trash bags, preferably sealing up seams with duct tape. When this is done toss the blankets on top in 2 layers (minimum). Thick first for comfort, then thinner for pure protection. If you don't already own some, pick up as much lube as you can. I know what you're thinking. "But Pockets, I'm only gonna be piping hot chicks, aren't we all?" It truly is your first orgy, isn't it. Next, condoms. It's common orgy courtesy to bring your own, but it's nice to have a backup stash, so nobody gets a nasty, fatherless surprise in 9 months.


Finally, set out a nice snack table. Foods that are high in carbs are good, as they allow for more energy, which you will need. I'm not saying bowls of spaghetti, but you can't go wrong with Lays and the like. Fruit is a good idea too, as they can be incorporated into the orgy pretty easily. Throw a couple squash and maybe a cucumber on there, just in case anybody's feelin' adventurous. When the time has finally come and your doorbell rings, just remember to stay calm and enjoy yourself. You've planned this for a long time, so try not to let anything ruin your day. Even if it is just you and a bunch of chubby dudes eating bananas.

You can find more of Pockets's dangerously misinformed decisions by following him on twitter @tharealpockets.

07-02-2014 | 9:14 AM
What's the capital of North Dakota?
07-01-2014 | 12:12 AM
A guy rented his house to someone on and then came home early only to see his house being used for an orgy. From what I heard it seems that much less effort was put into it than is advised by this article. That's probably why they got caught.
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