Chicks are everywhere. They're in our movies, they're on our TV shows, and yes, they're in our commercials. That's why, in keeping with our appreciation of the hottest chicks that we've seen while falling asleep with the television on (which explains those weird dreams), our next installment is about the hottest chicks from television commercials.
Of course, to begin, the ground rules: these are all ads I have seen on television, and thought to myself, "Damn I wanna bang that spokeslady" when watching them. I'm excluding most of the obvious commercials, like Victoria's Secret, because those are just sexy ladies being paraded around like objects, and I'm nothing if not a feminist. Also excluded are any company's "Banned" commercials, which are just what they call it when they want to get free advertising by hosting an ad online and not paying for airtime, knowing dumb dudes will go to them trying to see tits (I'm on to your bullshit, GoDaddy). Don't fall for it, fellas, you're on the internet already -- you get better results when you just google "boobs." Without further ado, presented in no particular order, the Dudefest Dozen Hottest Chicks From Commercials:
Erin Esurance (esurance):
Some of you may be familiar with my respect for attractiveness in all women—whether her music is even greater than her boobs, her booty alone is a way better actress than I'll ever be, or they just so happen to be animated. This time around, I will pontificate about attractive girls that (for the most part) actually exist. In order to ease you into this transition, I have started with Erin Esurance. Yeah, I know, you're sick of me creeping on these cartoon chicks, but I'm not the only dude who thinks she's one fly honey—that video is a fan-made compilation of his seventeen favorite Esurance commercials featuring everyone's favorite pink-haired insurance sex object, and it's only Part 1. Not even I had the patience to watch his whole series.
Erin started our now-common trend of having cartoonish (in this case, literally) and hot insurance spokesladies, until that dumbass Flo went and fucked it all up.
Jan The Camry Chick (Toyota Camry):
Jan wants to sell you a car, and you want one with a roomy backseat if you know what I mean. But she's selling Camrys, and it's a lot easier to bring a chick back to your mom's house than it is to fuck in the back of a Camry (especially if you're stuck with the shitty two-door because you're a cheap bastard).
Jan is the kind of woman that is hot, and she knows it, so she pretends to like you to make you want to buy stuff from her. You know what we call women who do that? Strippers. That is what strippers do. But the Camry is already one of the best-selling cars in the world, so Toyota doesn't need her non-blinking, wide-smiling, faux-demure-but-totally-knows-she's-sexy act to get you to buy the car. They just use her so you get all the extras. That $600 rustproof undercoating? That's not a real thing, dude. You just got played (and you're still not going to see her boobs). And everyone knows you don't actually need airbags.
Fake Wendy (Wendy's):
I want to be as clear as I possibly can here: this is not about the real Wendy Thomas, the actual daughter of Wendy's founder Dave Thomas and the namesake of the franchise. She was the spokeswoman of the franchise for a while, but the company finally realized that was a terrible idea because people assumed that's what you'd look like if you grew up eating fast food every day because your dad founded the place (it is, because she did). What I'm trying to say is, Real Wendy is fat, and that's gross.
Fake Wendy, however, has the notable hardbody physique of someone that has never actually eaten at Wendy's. That's something that I am totally into, and not just because I have a thing for redheads. I'd take her to Chili's, because she'd probably order a side salad and a diet water at most, and I like a cheap date.
That Running Chick That Takes Off Her Clothes (Reebok):
Google has told me that this chick's name is Miranda Kerr, a fact I obviously know because it's in the title of the video I just linked. These things don't link themselves—it actually takes hours of painstaking research—so clearly I wasn't able to escape finding out this lady's name when writing this article. But I chose to leave it out of the title of this entry, because were you more likely to know who the hell I was talking about if I said "Miranda Kerr" or if I kept it as is? I thought so.
Anyway, this ad is ridiculous. I had honestly probably seen it about a hundred times before I remembered what it was actually for (running shoes, not dimples). And when I tried to google her to figure out who she was, I was stuck because I couldn't even remember what company made the shoes. Way to achieve great brand recognition, Redbox. I know they're a women's sneaker, but still. With a hot chick like that, taking her clothes off, they aren't trying to advertise to dudes? Obviously they want me to buy them for my girlfriend (position available, now accepting applications).
Please don't take this ad off the air, though; it really breaks up the endless parade of crap that is watching TV with my mom.
The Cat Burglar/Returner (Nationwide):
See what I'm talking about with insurance companies and their hot chick spokespeople? She's like Catwoman, silently slinking around that house in tight black leather, unnoticed by the cartoonish stock photo "criminals." She's not a cat burglar because she works for the insurance company, replacing all the shit that got stolen with brand new stuff without the owners ever noticing. She's more of a cat replacer.
Basically, it's a stupid ad. But since I could bang her at my mom's house without being afraid of waking anybody up, I like it.
Emily Ratajkowski (Carl's Jr. and Hardee's):
Emily Ratajkowski, also known as that chick whose boobs you've seen during the music video for that date rape anthem, was in this commercial first. Or second, I don't actually care. What I'm saying is, I've seen her boobs, and damn. Now I want to see her sexually eat a heart attack on a bun with another chick whose name I don't know and have no intention of learning. Screw it, though, Emily is the first one on screen, so this entry is about her. Unless you can find me a video of that other chick dancing around with no top on. Then we'll talk.
Oh, shit, there she is (NSFW!). Damn, that Sara Jean Underwood chick is way more naked than Emily Reykjavik. If I had known this chick was going to be an actual porn star and in a nine-minute long naked yoga video, learning her name would have been my goal from the beginning. Fuck yeah, the internet rules. Let’s call this one a two-fer as well. This is the most fun research I’ve ever done.
The Original Orbit Chick (Orbit Gum):
This is the original Orbit chick. The one that was so good she spawned a follow-up after she left for better things (such as "not really working anymore"). The follow-up is good, but she lacks the same charm. Maybe because this ad is the reason I apparently have a stewardess-from-the-1960s fetish (but let's be real, who can honestly say they don't?), or maybe because her "clean it up" talk makes me want to get real dirty.
The T-Mobile Girl (T-Mobile):
Her real name is Carly Foulkes, but if you mention "that brunette Canadian chick named Carly from that video with the cell phones," you're gonna get a lot of people thinking you mean Carly Rae Jepsen. Everyone knows the T-Mobile chick, though. She's a total standard in television commercials -- a dark-haired white chick with a big-ass smile. Most chicks in advertising (and by extension, this article) seem to fit that archetype, which I am going to blame on America and not on the fact that I apparently would only like to bone lady-clones of myself.
And no, she's not Cobie Smulders, either (but good job with the TV ladies, Canada).
The Two Ladies Changing For a Wedding (Fiat):
Somehow, advertisers have figured out that getting hot girls to take their clothes off while your product is on screen will sell those products. How did they manage to crack the code!?
Anyway, this one is a two-fer, but because I respect you so much as a reader, I'll only count it as one entry. Both these honeys are more fly than Amelia Earhart, but I get less of a "disappear over the ocean and never be heard from again" vibe and more of an "it's roomy enough for all three of us back here (even though it's clearly not)" one. For them, though, I'd be willing to try boning in the backseat of a car that's small enough to be Shaq's rollerskate. It would most likely end up with some bruised elbows, a couple black eyes, and two-too-few orgasms, but I'll try anything once.
#FOMOF Chick (NFL Mobile):
I like women who like football, and ones with eyes so gigantic they look like a Disney character are even better. This ad is also short, sweet, and to the point, making it pretty much exactly how I like my women.
I have a problem: I fall in love with attractive women I see in movies and television way too quickly. It's happened before, it will happen again, and it will probably never stop happening. This commercial, clocking in at only fifteen seconds, marks the fastest I have ever fallen in love with a TV woman. This is the only ad with her, too—not a series like some of the other entries, which at least give me enough time to feel like I really know the stranger I'm lusting after. Good job, NFL Mobile, because now I'll never forget what this commercial was for. But I'm still not downloading your shitty app.
Pat Holland really likes the ladies he sees on the TeeVee. If you're looking for his email address, there are links to it in the article. HOW CAN YOU SAY YOU READ IT IF YOU DIDN'T CLICK EVERY LINK!?