DUDEFEST ALWAYS KNOWS THE SCORE
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A Fantasy League of Ice and Fire Week 6
Smigoversen
May 17, 2014

Ramsay Snow (755 points)

The Bastard of Bolton had quite the week. He had been having a perfectly pleasant evening of sex with his psychotic partner in hunting humans. People say that hunting humans is the most dangerous game. However, I would posit that whatever Ramsay is doing at any given moment is the most dangerous game. Then Yara Greyjoy and her salty band of Ironborn show up at the castle. After an initial bit run of success (a great speech and making some poor sap pay the iron price for 160 points), Yara and Co. are trapped in the kennels and Reek (previously Theon) refuses to leave Ramsay. The She-Kraken take too long trying to coax him out. Meanwhile, our least favorite Bastard has been having a blast making mincemeat out of the intruders before barging in on the least happy family reunion in television history. He scored some points for a great opening line “This is turning out to be a lovely evening.” Pound for pound, Ramsay has the second most intangible menace in his speaking voice after Oberyn Martell. Like any good host, he sics his dogs on Yara, who starts hoofing it back to the boat with her tentacles between her legs. It is very clear that Theon is no more, making the rescue mission a worthless task. Later on, Ramsay and Reek (great name for a terrible kids show) have bath-time. We get a good look at what is going on under Theon’s rags for the first time since he lost his dick last season. (Unrelated side-note, the actor who plays Theon’s real life sister Lily Allen refused to do a cameo on the show because of the incest. You would think her brother getting his dick cut off would have been more important to her.) And that is why Reek didn’t score any points because he is an extension of Ramsay at this point. I also want to subtract 5 points from my total for feeling weird after giving Ramsay points for bathing Reek…

 

Davos Seaworth (255 points)

The Onion Knight really saved Stannis’s bacon this week. They took a field trip to the Iron Bank of Braavos (Remember them? They’re the only people the Lannisters are reluctant to pay their debts to). Unfortunately for Stannis, his predicament did not make good financial sense to the chief banker Tycho Nestorisand they get turned down when they ask for a loan. Then Davos swung into action with a great speech about how Tywin will die soon and no one reliable would be available to rule the Kingdoms. Except for Stannis the Mannis that is. Davos had to play the missing four of his fingertips card but it worked out in the end. Stannis got his loan, Sallador Saan got paid, and the verbal beat-down Tycho unleashed on the Mannis earned him 155 points.

 

Oberyn Martell (135 points)

To another player, this would be a perfectly acceptable performance. But we’ve come to expect more in the Dudefest Department from Oberyn. He hasn’t fucked anyone in weeks. And I for one think that is bullshit. He’s a delight at small council meetings wondering if he can be the Master of something (A natural fit would be a fake appointment to administer quality control for the city’s many brothels). The conversation in front of the Iron Throne with Varys was the real highlight of his week. Both brought their A game for a series of verbal back-and-forths. My favorite of which was when Oberyn identified Varys as being from Lys. This led to an reference about what the Red Viper was doing in Essos (He was riding with The Second Sons—Dany’s favorite Sellsword Company). Oberyn gets the edge 135-110. So far this season Varys has seemed to fall out of the rotation. I think we’re all glad he got some playing time.

 

Tyrion (630 points) and Tywin (395 points) Lannister

How could a person on trial for regicide possibly score that many points? I’ll tell you how, that fucking speech at the end. Sure he racked up -500 points just from the testimony against him. It turns out literally everything he said from Season 2 on sounds really terrible out of context. But then he opened his big mouth and started spitting some fire Westeros Clan style. During his rant he: calls Joffrey a bastard in front of the whole court, demands a trial by combat without having a champion lined up, and says he wishes he had killed the King. Ballsy move. Especially considering he had been told he wasn’t going to be executed if he plead for mercy. No man is accursed as the kingslayer, remember that folks. Tywin is pretty pissed about how this all went down. He had finally found a way to get Jaime to set aside his white cloak and “Father children named Lannister” a.k.a. have some trueborn sons instead of incestuous, royal bastards almost mockingly named Baratheon. Before I move on, I just want to say Shae the Funny Whore is offically Shae the Traitorous Whore. What a bitch. (-100 points for betraying Tyrion, +50 for saying ‘whore’ so many times)

 

Danaerys Targaryen (90 points)

Whose titles are so numerous she has almost as many as she does points this week. After a strong couple of weeks of conquering, it turns out that trying to peacefully rule a city is lame. If she hadn't hooked up that shepherd with apology money for Drogon killing his goats (+50 for the Dragons) and a verbal beatdown on this clown Hizdahr Zo Loraq. I already know I don't like this guy. I bet he manscapes.

 

That's all I've got this week, so let's take a look at how everyone else did.

 

 

There are so many characters on the board at this point in the season, not all of them are going to show up on the season power rankings. Here is all of them that I could screenshot from the official Fantasy League of Ice and Fire Google Doc.

 

Smigoversen reads the words and drinks the beers. He twitters here.

1 Comments
05-17-2014 | 6:46 PM
At this point in the season I'd just like to say I admire your commitment and your ingenuity to this game Smigs. Really bang up job, no idea how you can keep track of it all.
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