I’ve been getting the impression that my rants haven’t been sufficiently pissing people off like I had intended. I sure hope you dudes don’t think that I’m kidding around because I try to convey a high level of seriousness with each of these rants. In case you’re thinking I’m messing around today, proceed with caution since I’ll be discussing a topic that hits home for every single person in the world. Birthdays. Yup, I fucking hate birthdays. And I mean all of them! I’m not trying to shit on all of your special days or anything because I despise my own birthday just as much as I do yours. Maybe some of you assholes will listen to what I have to say about this annual event and you’ll stop making me feel like shit for not giving a fuck about remembering the day you were born.
You accomplished nothing: CONGRADUFUCKINGLATIONS! You managed to stay alive one extra year! There should be a legit law that declares birthdays can only be celebrated by the terminally ill and no one else. Unless you are in a constant battle to live longer then why are you prancing around yelling “OMG it’s my birthday!” You know what you are? A selfish prick, that’s what. You could have spent the entire year only getting stoned and masturbating and you would still get Happy Birthday greetings. How about instead of throwing a rager every time a friend manages not to die for a year, why not try celebrating actual accomplishments instead? I’m a motherfucking genius I know. Yeah sure I might forget to call my friends on that one particular day, but anytime someone I care about gets a new job, raise, or engaged (all that sweet stuff) I’ll be buying them champagne by the case! Sorry that I treat my friends like royalty for all their hard work. So next time a friend achieves an epic goal, don’t be a dick and buy the first round of shots because that’s more important than a fucking birthday.
If you’re a social dude with a decent amount of family and friends you are forced to remember countless dates that have no real effect on you whatsoever. I would love to meet the dickwad that took it upon himself to make birthdays a mandatory social convention, because I would give him a sift kick right in the nuts. Can you image how much easier you life would be if you didn’t have to worry about people bitching at you for forgetting some useless date? Plus you’d save a shit ton of money not having to buy pointless gifts and cake! I’ve worked out this particular deal with my siblings and it’s simple, I don’t know their birthdays and they don’t know mine. Sure we have a general idea of the months, but absolutely nothing else! I’m not even 100% positive how old they are, which is fine because it doesn’t fucking matter. If you dudes pulled the sticks out of asses you’ll find this method to be extremely rewarding.
The second my lawyer graduates from law school I’m suing the shit out of Facebook for screwing over the entire planet. Putting birthdays on the largest social media source was such a dick move and I deserve payment for the harm it’s caused both myself and my peers. Remember what life was like before birthdays? You only had to memorize the dates for your parents, siblings, and a few super close friends. It was epic! No one bitched and moaned if you forgot a birthday, because you had no way of knowing. Then the Book started taking off and now everyone you have ever met in your entire life has to wish you happy birthday on your wall or else you feel guilty for no apparent reason. This started to piss me off so much that I decided to never wish someone happy birthday on Facebook ever again. No one has disowned me as a friend (not yet anyway) and I have way more time to dedicate to more important websites, like PornHub. I recently took this decision to the next level and removed my own birthday from Facebook. I still got completely shitfaced and got balls deep in a blooming onion without the hundreds of notifications from people that annoy the shit out of me.
In conclusion, next time you want to act like a complete douchebag on your birthday and expect a crap ton of presents, shut the fuck up and get over yourself.
Sliz is the angriest writer for Dudefest.com, the other dudes speculate this is due to her not being a dude.