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Closing Statements We Recommend
Joe Kennedy, Evan Finkle
May 29, 2014

So you're making sex (or whatever you kids call it these days), and you're quickly reaching the end—the climax, if you will. You've done all that you can do, and you can't hold it in anymore. You're ready to explode. You want this experience to be something that your partner(s) will never forget, but your performance will definitely be forgotten. So how do you leave your mark? We at Dudefest.com are firm believers that a well-placed "closing statement", as it were, will leave a lasting impression on a "jury" of your peers.

 

10. "Go! Semen!"

 

Volume: Cheered

Facial Expression: Jovial

Associated Movements: Pump fists in air

Rationale: Root for that semen as it leaves your body! Let all the haters know that your semen ain't nothing to be messed with, and you're its biggest fan. You'll support your team until the day you die.

 

9. "Ow! I feel good!"

 

Volume: Shouted/Sung

Facial Expression: O Face

Associated Movements: Gyrating hips, full splits

Rationale: "I Got You" is one of James Brown's most popular tracks and is liked by most humans who have heard it. It sums up the feeling of an orgasm better than any orgasmic exclamations ever could. Go as far into the song as you'd like; everybody will love it.

 

8. "Candlestick bowling!"

 

Volume: Exclaimed

Facial Expression: Excited

Associated Movements: N/A

Rationale: ​Alert your partner(s) of your interests early on. They'll find out eventually, and nobody likes surprises ever. And here's the thing about candlestick bowling. It's awesome. And I bet they're into it too.

 

7. "One in the hand is worth two in the bush"

 

Volume: Whispered

Facial Expression: Eyebrow emphasis

Associated Movements: N/A

Rationale: ​This closing statement works on two levels. One, it's sage advice, and can help provide much-needed philosophical thought to a sexual encounter. Two, it indicates that in the future you'd rather be finished off by hand than in one of their below-the-belt holes.

 

6. "I'm emptying my vas-deferens!"

 

Volume: Screamed

Facial Expression: Surprised

Associated Movements: N/A

Rationale: ​Narration is the cherry on top for a large number of activities: documentaries, sportscasting, books on tape. That, combined speaking as literally as possible, will help your partner(s) know exactly what's happening to you at the moment of climax. Knowing is half the battle.

 

5. "Do you have a q-tip?"

 

Volume: Spoken

Facial Expression: Curious

Associated Movements: N/A

Rationale: ​A lot of people reach for tissues after a romp in hay, but you'd like everyone to know that you're different. A tissue isn't the cleanup material you're looking for; you'd like something much smaller with more precision. Why? Well, they're going to have to get you that q-tip if they'd like to find out.

 

4. "I don't think I'm straight..."

 

Volume: Spoken

Facial Expression: Confused

Associated Movements: Cock your head to one side

Rationale: ​If you'd like to do what you just did again, make them feel the need to prove themselves again to you. Note that "straight" should be replaced with "gay" in the case of an encounter with at least one other dude, and "sexually attracted to humans" in the case of a bi-genderal orgy.

 

3. "I'm so glad I taped this."

 

Volume: Spoken

Facial Expression: Relieved

Associated Movements: Wipe your brow with an exagerrated motion

Rationale: ​Sometimes it's good to keep the person or people you're with on their toes. And considering the number of hidden camera sex tapes you can find on the Internet, somebody probably taped it anyways.

 

2. "How much do I owe you?"

 

Volume: Spoken

Facial Expression: Inquisitive

Associated Movements: Reach for checkbook or wallet

Rationale: ​After intercourse, people generally want to know that their performance was valued. Get the ball rolling right away by telling you partner(s) that they did so well that you feel like you should provide them with monetary compensation.

 

1. "I'm going to put a baby in there."

 

Volume: Whispered

Facial Expression: Creepy

Associated Movements: Rub her stomach slowly counter-clockwise

Rationale: ​Procreation is the biological reason for intercourse, and plus, don't all dudes just want to have babies anyways? It's better to let your partner know that that's your eventual aim, even if your partner is incapable of having a baby (a.k.a. is also a dude).

Joe Kennedy is a staunch technophobe and suffers from a debilitating fear of human hands. If for some reason you'd like to get in touch with him, send a letter to 463 Mass Ave Cambridge MA 02139.

2 Comments
05-29-2014 | 11:59 AM
Number nine works almost every time.
05-29-2014 | 9:39 AM
Kennedy strikes again!
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