LETTERS TO THE DUDEFEST FORUM
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Taking Laxatives
Ram Jam
June 07, 2014

Dear Dudefest Forum,

 

I'm just about to take some laxatives, and I wanted to live-article this bitch.

 

2:38 PM

 

It's called Magnesium Citrate, and it's cherry-flavored. So, naturally, I got a bottle of Red Drank and dumped that shit in. I followed the directions, don't worry. It said use 1/2-1 bottle, so naturally I used the whole thing. Dudefest. Now I'm supposed to sip this stuff: it tastes good, that might be hard. It's similar to a cherry warhead.

 

2:44 PM

 

So, apparently this stuff doesn't work like ipecac, and I didn't instantly explode with diarrhea. My dad (also my witch-shaman-doctor advice-giver) said I should take it over the next half hour, so sit tight everyone, and literally hold on to your butts (or my butt).

 

2:51 PM

 

Oh, right. An explanation. I'm not taking this for fun or anything. I've been constipated on and off for a couple weeks! It's been horrible. Plugged like a tub drain. Dammed like the High Aswan, holding a Nile River's worth of excrement inside my body. I feel like shit, and I think it's because I'm literally filled with shit. It makes me wonder where all my poop has been going, because only 40% of it has been ending up in the proper receptacle.

 

Pictured: Proper Receptacle, Improper Use

Either it's been backing up inside of me, like a derailed supply train, or just becomes compressed into sedimentary rock poo bricks just above my anus.

 

2:59 PM

 

I'm starting to feel some gurgles, and I'm only half way through this ordeal. And no joke, this magnesium whatever says "The Sparkling Laxative" on the label.

 

3:07 PM

 

A little behind schedule, I'm still only 3/4 of the way through the laxative drank. Let me tell you about my surroundings: I'm at my building on campus, after everyone's gone home for the summer; no one to bother me, no one to share the bathroom with. JUST IN CASE I cant make it, no one to see me poop my pants. And now I don't have to do this at home (just in case feces get everywhere, I'm not the one cleaning it up).

 

3:24 PM

 

I just feel weird inside.

 

3:39 PM

 

Things are happening. I can't. Even. My stomach is roiling.

 

3:55 PM

 

It was just a close call. Now that it has subsided, I'm growing apprehensive.

 

4:24 PM

 

Man, was that it? Still nothing. Did I miss my chance? Fuck this.

 

4:44 PM

 

Oh. Oh boy.

 

4:55 PM

 

Called it. Relief feels glorious. The flood gates have been opened.

 

5:55 PM

 

Turns out 4:55 was just a tremor. Talk about floodgates. I almost made the toilet overflow with discharge. It sounds like I'm peeing out my weiner, but I'm really peeing out my bumhole. It's like a garden hose.

 

Welp, gotta meet people for dinner, hope this is the last of it.

 

8:30 PM

 

STILL DESTROYING TOILETS. Why did I have spicy Chinese food for dinner? Now it's explosive and burning my rectum.

 

9:00 AM

 

My urgent need to defecate woke me up this morning. I honestly don't know how I have anything left to poop out.

 

My roommate says he is going to clean the bathroom today.

 

No. No, he won't.

Ryan drives a weinermobile to work. He might stop by your place if you ask.

2 Comments
06-07-2014 | 4:18 PM
super gross.
06-07-2014 | 6:20 PM
Frankly, I'm glad this happened.
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