Dear Dudefest Forum,
I'm just about to take some laxatives, and I wanted to live-article this bitch.
It's called Magnesium Citrate, and it's cherry-flavored. So, naturally, I got a bottle of Red Drank and dumped that shit in. I followed the directions, don't worry. It said use 1/2-1 bottle, so naturally I used the whole thing. Dudefest. Now I'm supposed to sip this stuff: it tastes good, that might be hard. It's similar to a cherry warhead.
So, apparently this stuff doesn't work like ipecac, and I didn't instantly explode with diarrhea. My dad (also my witch-shaman-doctor advice-giver) said I should take it over the next half hour, so sit tight everyone, and literally hold on to your butts (or my butt).
Oh, right. An explanation. I'm not taking this for fun or anything. I've been constipated on and off for a couple weeks! It's been horrible. Plugged like a tub drain. Dammed like the High Aswan, holding a Nile River's worth of excrement inside my body. I feel like shit, and I think it's because I'm literally filled with shit. It makes me wonder where all my poop has been going, because only 40% of it has been ending up in the proper receptacle.
Either it's been backing up inside of me, like a derailed supply train, or just becomes compressed into sedimentary rock poo bricks just above my anus.
I'm starting to feel some gurgles, and I'm only half way through this ordeal. And no joke, this magnesium whatever says "The Sparkling Laxative" on the label.
A little behind schedule, I'm still only 3/4 of the way through the laxative drank. Let me tell you about my surroundings: I'm at my building on campus, after everyone's gone home for the summer; no one to bother me, no one to share the bathroom with. JUST IN CASE I cant make it, no one to see me poop my pants. And now I don't have to do this at home (just in case feces get everywhere, I'm not the one cleaning it up).
I just feel weird inside.
Things are happening. I can't. Even. My stomach is roiling.
It was just a close call. Now that it has subsided, I'm growing apprehensive.
Man, was that it? Still nothing. Did I miss my chance? Fuck this.
Oh. Oh boy.
Called it. Relief feels glorious. The flood gates have been opened.
Turns out 4:55 was just a tremor. Talk about floodgates. I almost made the toilet overflow with discharge. It sounds like I'm peeing out my weiner, but I'm really peeing out my bumhole. It's like a garden hose.
Welp, gotta meet people for dinner, hope this is the last of it.
STILL DESTROYING TOILETS. Why did I have spicy Chinese food for dinner? Now it's explosive and burning my rectum.
My urgent need to defecate woke me up this morning. I honestly don't know how I have anything left to poop out.
My roommate says he is going to clean the bathroom today.
No. No, he won't.
Ryan drives a weinermobile to work. He might stop by your place if you ask.