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Being Lactose Intolerant
Jimmy Fraturday
June 17, 2014

I am lactose intolerant. I'd say it's probably my second biggest flaw, right after being too good looking. Lactose intolerance sucks serious ass. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MANY THINGS CONTAIN DAIRY? All of them. All of the things. Well not all of them, but damn near everything delicious in this world of ours. Here is a handy Guyde to dealing with your body's inability to break down sugars.


1. Don't drink milk, swear off dairy forever


I started with this one because it's absurd, stupid and damn near impossible. That would involve not eating cereal and about a million other things too. AND CHEESE! WHO COULD LIVE WITHOUT CHEESE??? More importantly, who wants to? Also, I did it because it probably made Kennedy have a heart attack. The man's love for milk is almost as great as his love for Dudefest (especially the ultimate kind). So really, disregard #1 and move along to the rest of the Guyde.


2. Only eat dairy, every meal of every day


My cousin, Patches Fraturday, was allergic to shellfish. When he used to eat it, his throat would swell up and he'd get all red. That was before he realized he really liked shellfish and just decided that he wasn't going to be allergic anymore. So he powered through for years, and eventually, boom—no more allergy. If you're going to try this method with milk products follow step 3 word for word.


3. Stock the bathroom with extra TP, water, and books (yes, books)


If you took my advice on step 2, and you are actually lactose intolerant, your body is going to HATE you. And by hate, I mean give you insane bouts of gas and diarrhea. Seriously, you'll spend soooo much time on the shitter praying to any deity who will listen, "Please let it stop." You'll need books, because magazines are too short and you might accidentally tear them in half out of frustration. So, make sure the books you bring are hardcover, and preferably leather bound (am I right, ladies?). Also you'll need to bring water, because of how dehydrated you are. The last thing you want is to pass out in the bathroom from dehydration brought on by the insane diarrhea you gave yourself drinking milk.

Pictured: Your Saturday Night

4. Give zero fucks


If you eat dairy, in moderation, and you take your pills, you'll probably still get pretty gassy. Unless you want to give up pizza, cheesesteaks, crackers and cheese, most sandwiches, bagels with cream cheese, shrimp scampi, clam chowder, etc. etc. (the list goes on forever) you'll need to just deal. This means you need to get comfortable ripping ass in strange places. A short list of places I've passed gas: scuba diving in the Caribbean, during the Captain's speech at a private reception on a Mediterranean cruise, before sex, waterskiing, during sex, on the chair lift, after sex. Again, that was an extremely short list, but the moral of the story is, there will be farts. Get good at farting in front of people, or learn to be really stealthy. Of course it's way funnier to just rip ass in front of people, so I'd suggest that. Also, chances are you'll over do it, so you'll need to refer to #3.


Most importantly, be careful not to shit yourself, like Pockets.

Jimmy Fraturday hates being lactose intolerant. Send him an email while you poop.

06-17-2014 | 2:56 AM
Milk is the liquid of the gods. Both Zeus and Thor consumed exclusively milk. Heracles obviously drank 2%.
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