With the end of another month comes another round of Dudefest.com awards. This month, our winners include two duos, a movie, and multiple types of technology. It should be noted that despite his best efforts, our award winners do not include Fraturday. Better luck next time, douche.
Bitch Award - FIFA
We all know FIFA is the name of the popular soccer videogame franchise, but few people know that it's also the organization that runs international soccer tournaments. Now, in my opinion, the only soccer games that actually matter are during the Summer Olympics, just like all of those other boring sports that nobody should care about more than once every four years. However, FIFA hosts the World Cup every four years too, and other countries love this shit (probably because they haven't invented better sports yet). Well, FIFA got caught in a lot of controversy for awarding the 2022 World Cup to Qatar, a tiny nation in the Middle East where temperatures casually reach 130 degrees in the summer. They don't have more than one stadium, workers are dropping dead at the rate of one every day, workers aren't getting paid, and soccer players have expressed the desire not to die of heat exhaustion on the field like they most certainly will if they play there. All of this points to Qatar bribing FIFA to host it, and they fell for it like the bitches they are. Well, this month, the president of FIFA came out and said that maybe hosting it in Qatar wasn't the greatest idea. No shit dude. Now big advertisers are calling for a change of venue, and FIFA is considering it. I mean, they should change it, but this whole issue makes them out to be huge bitches.
Idiot Award - Kanye West & Kim Kardashian West
For the first time ever, we have co-winners for one of our awards! Congratulations to the members of the couple known as Kimye for both managing to marry down! Kanye West (pronounced Cain Weest by probably only us) decided to marry a woman whose ass size is only surpassed by her lack of any discernable reason for being famous, and whose only real contribution to society has been a third-rate sex tape with a fourth-rate singer. Kim Kardashian West decided to marry a man who has had more major controversies than he has Grammy Awards (and he has a lot of Grammys...) and whose sense rivals Charles Barkley's golf swing. For these reasons (and countless others), we can't decide which of them is dumber, so we'll just give the Idiot Award to them both.
Jack Dempsey Memorial Sports Award - Lance Stephenson
Lots of things happened this month in sports. Between the Kentucky Derby, NBA and NHL Playoffs, and the NFL Draft, there’s a lot to pick from. So, what indisputable champion wins the sports award in such a crowded field? Lance Stephenson. You may know him as the guy who blew into Lebron James’ ear during a playoff game. Stephenson is a player on the Indiana Pacers, one of only two decent basketball teams in the Eastern Conference this year (James’ Miami Heat is the other one in case you’ve never heard of basketball before). When looking into the face of the two-year reigning Finals MVP and one of the greatest players ever, what does the clearly less-talented Stephenson do? He trolls the shit out of him. The ear blowing was the tip of the iceberg—he’s also been trash-talking Lebron on and off the court to staggering heights. Even Pacers owner and renowned trash-talker Larry Bird thought he went too far. However, since we at Dudefest think that you can never go too far in this situation, Stephenson wins sports for the month of May.
Internet Award - Solar Roadways
The Solar Roadway project is the most popular project ever on IndieGoGo (a Kickstarter knockoff), and it's raised almost $2 million. For the unaware, solar roadways are roads made of solar panels with a bunch of LED lights that magically generate energy (a photosynthesis knockoff) while you drive over them. It's the kind of video that gets you pumped for the future, when we'll be driving around wasted in our self-driving cars (see the Thing Award) while not having to fill up our tanks with gas because we're on a solar god damn roadway that powers our cars for us. That's a future that we want to live in. And despite the haters saying things like "they're unfeasibly expensive" or "LED lights aren't visible during the day" or "solar panels don't work that way" or "why are they making so many statistics up?", we refuse to believe them, because science, statistics, and thinking are not something that we as Americans need to worry about. We'll leave those things up to the experts, and expect all asphalt to be replaced with solar panels by 2020.
Wingman Award - The States of Oregon and Pennsylvania
Larry Bingham/The Oreganian
What makes Oregon and Pennsylvania so great? Up until May, it was just Nike and cheese steaks. Now, though, we can add gay marriage to the very short list of good things about them. This month, courts in both states ruled that their gay marriage bans were unconstitutional, with no appeals pending. This means that the city of brotherly love can finally live up to it's name (not in the family brother way, but in the way black people mean it. It's more meaningful). It's fantastic that more and more states are beginning to allow ultimate dudefest (and chickfest), and it's great that they're providing same-sex couples the opportunity to grow into being resentful, sexless spouses just like straight couples. For this reason of encouraging dudefest love, we have to give Oregon and Pennsylvania joint custody of the Wingman Award.
Footjob Award - 50 Cent
Frank Franklin III/Associated Press
We all know 50 Cent. We know where to find him—In Da Club. We know that he’ll be sippin’ Bacardi like it’s everyone's birfday. We also now know that he is the world’s worst pitcher. Even though he hasn’t released a popular or good song in nearly a decade (He might have just released a new album, but he hasn't had a good or popular song in almost a decade), the New York Mets asked him to come down to the stadium sometime in May and throw out the ceremonial first pitch. It went, well, poorly. After recovering from being shot nine times and becoming a superstar rapper, you’d think he could manage throw a goddamn baseball to the general area of guy standing right in front of him sixty feet away. All these people could, including a blind kid, a little girl, and a dude in a wheelchair. But don’t feel too bad for Fiddy. Even though he’s probably completely embarrassed, he’s still got more money than you will ever have. Yeah, he got in on that sweet, sweet Vitamin Water game early.
Thing Award - A First Drive
That's right everybody: self-driving cars. While everyone knows that Google has been working on this science fiction technology since god knows when, the Google Self-Driving Car was finally demoed to non-Google employees this month. Most of the trial participants would greatly benefit from the self-driving car because the decreased rate of hit-and-run-overs by tech-savvy senior citizen drivers would allow them to invest more of their money in 3D printing Werther's candies. Although the self-driving car doesn't look particularly cool or flashy (it kind of looks like a Bollywood Prius), the fact that it would let you legally "drive" drunk—we assume—is enough for us to say that the video of the demonstration won the Thing Award this month. Well played Google. You win again.
Participation Award - THE AMAZING SPIDERMAN THE SECOND
In Hollywood, summer starts with May. In the wake of Marvel’s success, we know that summer means superhero movies. We’re still pumped from the fantastic CAPTAIN 'MERICA: THE WINTER SOLDIER, while waiting in line to see X MEN now, and looking forward to GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY, but let’s also take this time to remember that THE AMAZING SPIDER MAN 2 is also out. No, not the good Toby McGuire one, but the mediocre one with Zuckerberg’s best friend from the SOCIAL NETWORK. While it’s making plenty of money overseas, this will probably be the comic-book movie of the summer that in a couple years everybody will forget about. Nobody cares about this movie, or the entire Spiderman reboot series for that matter, but it’s definitely here. It won’t win any other awards this year, so we’ll be good guys and give it the Participation Award.
World Of Darkness Award - Tal Fortgang
Overachieving Princeton freshman Tal "Well-Tanned Schlong" Fortgang transferred to Controversity State when his article written about his privilege (or lack thereof) went viral and prompted a number of responses in every online publication ever. For those of you who missed the controversy, Fortgang boldly claimed in an article written for a student newspaper that despite being a straight white male from a wealthy background, he had no privileges because some members of his family (not him) had suffered through the Holocaust. The reaction to his article has brought racial questions and general world of darkness discussions back to light for the first time since Donald "Flaccid Schlong" Sterling's dumbass comments last month. Mr. Fortgang, congrats, because you'll have a great conversation starter when your family vacations to Nantucket this summer. But speaking of Donnie Sterling...
Comeback Player Of The Month Award - Donald Sterling
Don't get us wrong, we absolutely hate the fact that we have to give Donald Sterling this award, but unfortunately he deserves it. Last month Sterling was the most hated man in the NBA, upsetting King James's four year hold on the title in the process. This month, after an insane bidding war to buy the L.A. Clippers, he was able to net a $2 billion offer for them. I repeat, $2 billion for the L.A. Clippers. For football fans, the Clippers are the Detroit Lions of the NBA. For reference, no other NBA team has sold for more than $600 million, and Sterling bought the Clippers (back when they were in San Diego) for $12.5 million. We're not business men here, but it's pretty safe to say that Sterling will net a hefty profit from that deal, even with inflation. Let's just say he'll make enough to buy an island and ensure that it's only staffed with white people. Or he could just get a house on Nantucket. Same thing.
Joe Kennedy is a staunch technophobe and suffers from a debilitating fear of human hands. If for some reason you'd like to get in touch with him, send a letter to 463 Mass Ave Cambridge MA 02139. Henry "Henry Henry" Henry is watching you right now.