There was no action last week in A Fantasy League of Ice and Fire, so I sat down to pick the teams for the first annual Dudefest.com Royals vs. Rebels All Star Game. This was a long and agonizing decision that I spent literally minutes thinking about. In the end, I felt that each team should have one player for each of the Seven Kingdoms and two more ‘Wild Cards’ to represent the Riverlands and Essos. I distributed ballots to the Academy of Ice and Fire in order to make the process as Democratic as possible.
Before we can get started with the rosters, let’s talk about the leadership for both teams. For Team Royals (official team anthem: Lorde singing Rains of Castamere) they unanimously chose King Tommen Baratheon, first of his name, to be their coach. Initially, he wanted to name Ser Pounce to coach in his stead but Cersei wouldn’t let him (toxic locker room presence). They have since compromised and made him the Head Assistant Coach. This is largely a mummer’s farce, because we all know that team captain Tywin Lannister will be drawing up the plays after time outs. The coaching squad is rounded out by Roose Bolton who was hired with the hopes of keeping their star Shooting Bastard, Ramsay Snow, in check. The coaching situation was more difficult for Team Rebels due to more than one player considering themselves to be the lawful ruler of Westeros. In the end, Danaerys Stormborm agreed to be Co-Captain with Prince Oberyn Martell. This left Stannis the Mannis Baratheon to coach the squad with his head assistant, the Lady Melisandre.
Without further ado, let’s take a look at the teams!
Royals Captain, Starting Lord: Tywin Lannister of Castery Rock
What more can be said about the man who ended the Northern Rebellion without getting up from his desk? Tons. Tywin is awesome. He may not be having as great a season as he did in Season 2 (his scenes with Arya remain a high watermark for both players).
Rebels Captain, Starting Lord: Danaerys Targaryen of Meereen
The Mother of Dragons, The Breaker of Chains, The Unburnt. The Queen in Exile is collecting nicknames faster than Puff Daddy. Her dragons are not allowed to play because flying is technically traveling. Regardless, she will be able to contribute with her fiery vengeance on the bench and pick and roll ball handling on offense.
Rebels Captain, Starting Second Son: Prince Oberyn Martell of Sunspear
The Rookie Sensation fresh out of the Dornish League came out with guns blazing (spears stabbing?). He’s been playing like Adrian Peterson after an ACL tear—wait I’m switching sports. He’s been playing like Derrick Rose after an ACL tear—wait that’s not very good either. He’s been playing like Russell Westbrook after his third knee surgery last year.
Royals Starting Heir: Jaime Lannister of Casterly Rock
He may be lacking a hand, but he could dribble with both hands before he lost his sword hand. Let’s not forget that he is still Lord Commander of the Kingsguard and was willing to give that up to save Tyrion’s life. That selflessness is what you’re looking for in your point guard in the All Star Game of Ice and Fire.
Rebels Starting Lady: Sansa Stark (technically Lannister) formerly of Winterfell, then Kings Landing and now of the Eyrie
Sansa’s been through a lot these past few seasons. This season especially. She is still reeling from her brother’s death, her mother’s death, and her marriage to Tyrion before finding out she was complicit in Joffrey’s death. Now she is putting little bitches like Robin Arryn in his place and getting creeped on by her pseudo-rescuer also kidnapper Petyr Baelish (starting Civil Servant for the Royals)
Royals Starting Civil Servant: Lord Petyr Baelish of Harrenhal
After missing the first part of the season because his work visa for the Vale of Arryn was delayed, Littlefinger made his season opener a rousing success. He revealed that he has been behind the whole thing, the Fantasy League of Ice and Fire does not happen without the littlest of fingers. He also stone cold murdered his wife, that takes dedication. Many expressed reservations about naming Baelish to the starting five because he appears just as likely to quit and start his own team mid-game as he is to positively contribute to the squad.
Royals Starting Bastard: Ramsay Snow of the Dreadfort
Amazingly, only the second most deranged and violent member of the Royals team (that would be starting Center Ser Gregor Clegane). This guy has a killer instinct, killer stroke, pretty much everything about him could be described as killer. Hopefully Ass. Coach Roose can keep him in line and prevent him from gambling for steals too often.
Rebels Starting Sellsword: Daario Naharis of the Second Sons
Originally an undrafted free agent, Daario had to murder the captains of his sellsword company to secure a roster spot with Team Targaryen last season. He has blossomed this season and won his starting job from Grey Worm by holding his sword in front of him without dropping from Episode 5 to Episode 7. Also he’s the first person since Drogo to bang Dany (while I’m on that subject, you just know that if he hooked up with her when she had her moonblood he would make a magnificent “Blood of the Dragon” quip before entering her).
Royals Starting Sellsword: Ser Bronn of the Blackwater
Bronn’s career trajectory has been pointing up since meeting up with Tyrion back in Season One. Since then, Tyrion’s fallen on some hard times and injuries but Bronn keeps moving on up by agreeing to marry the second daughter of a minor lordling with the express intent of killing the older daughter so he could inherit her father’s castle. Ruthless, its this kind of dedication to defense that will come in handy down the stretch for the Royals.
Rebels Starting Wildling, Tormund Giantsbane
You might have heard, but this guy has a pretty huge dick. Big enough that a bear bit off half of it mid-coitus and he still has enough to get some work done in the sack. Usually Tormund would come off the bench, but someone needs to play as dirty as Ser Bronn. And no one fights dirtier than a wildling.
Those are the starting fives. Who’s coming off the bench? I’ll tell you right now:
For the royals:
Second Son, Tyrion Lannister of Castlerly Rock
Queen Regent, Cersei Lannister of Casterly Rock
GILF, Lady Olenna Tyrell of Highgarden
Hideously Deformed Giant, Ser Gregor “The Mountain That Rides” Clegane
For the Rebels:
Bastard, Jon Snow of Castle Black
Wolf Girl, Arya Stark of Winterfell
Eunuch, Grey Worm Leader of the Unsullied
Hideously Deformed Giant, Sandor “The Hound” Clegane
Be sure to tune into the game at 8 pm Central Westeros time or 7 pm Mountains of the Moon.