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Nepotism
Jimmy Fraturday, Tal Fortgang
July 15, 2014

So you've decided to read a Dudefest Guyde to Nepotism. Excuse me, THE Dudefest Guyde to Nepotism. Make sure to over emphasize things; that's lesson one. For those of you like Pockets and his friends who don't actually know what nepotism is, it's a practice of those who are in positions of power of giving positions or favors to friends and relatives. So for the peasants reading this article, you might as well stop right now.

 

The very first step you should take is being born into a wealthy or powerful family. Maybe the son or daughter of a president, or a senator, or an oil tycoon. THAT is lesson one. After being born you should live your life the only way you know how: with extreme privilege, and everything you could ever want or need right at your finger tips. Keep on not dying until you finally graduate from a liberal arts college that "you" probably spent too much money on. And by "you" I mean your dad, or granddad, or your trust fund. Whichever, really it isn't important. Graduate from college, THAT'S lesson one.

 

All of a sudden you'll realize you need a job, so you'll ask your family members if "they know anyone," which of course you'll all then laugh about later. Of course they know someone, they know everyone, and they themselves are someone. So you'll score that sweet job and already be 3 or 4 rungs higher on the corporate ladder than the poor sap who worked his ass off and actually deserves some sort of position.

 

Now that you have yourself a job, do barely enough to not get fired. Just doing enough, now THAT is lesson one. After about a year or so you should get a hot sounding secretary who you can make do all sorts of things, but mostly you'll be having her book you lunches with your buddies from prep school. Keep at it for a few more years until, boom, they finally promote you to Vice President. Now, you know you're not like the VP. There happen to be about 15 VPs in every one of the 10 departments. But you know who doesn't know that? Hookers. No wait, not them. I mean the interns. Shit, no, that isn't right either. I mean drunk 20-somethings at the bar. Yes, that's the group that doesn't know how lowly your position actually is. So throw around your title in conversation and you'll be hustling off to Chili's in no time.

 

Sadly once you make VP your benefactor who has carried you so far in life really can't help you out much more. Turns out being CEO actually requires some sort of basic skills and know-how. Also it takes effort, and lets be honest, the only effort you put into work is actually making it there before noon and managing to stay until 4. Except on Thursday and Fridays, because after work drinks certainly won't be having themselves. Always get drinks after work, THAT is lesson one.

 

If you weren't born into a position like the one I described above the only advice I can give you is get really good at giving blowjobs. Maybe if you're good enough, you'll blow enough people to end up somewhere in life. Remember kids, nepotism and blowjobs go hand-in-hand. THAT'S lesson one.

Jimmy Fraturday is THE authoritative voice on playing sports with a beer in hand. He is the son of two great Americans, and he enjoys a good gargoyle over a keg stand. He recently stopped drinking Natty Light during the week. All hate mail can be directed to his email.

2 Comments
07-18-2014 | 1:03 AM
Glad to see Tal back on the site.
07-17-2014 | 2:24 AM
I'm surprised Fraturday hasn't commented on his own article yet.
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