I must update you on A Fantasy League of Ice and Fire this week with a heart heavier than the Clegane Brothers tied to a boulder. He’s dead. Oberyn. My sweet prince. We barely knew him. Yet we all grew to love him all the same. Maybe it was his passion for killing Lannisters, or his menacing sex or threats voice, or maybe his no hold barred approach to fucking around, or maybe it was that dornish caterpillar of a mustache. It doesn’t matter why you loved him, it just matters that he did. And don’t even try to pull some hipster, “Yeah, he was okay but personally I want more scenes with Dolorous Edd.” Fuck you. Stop reading my column right now and go watch the supercut of all of Oberyn’s scenes that someone prematurely titled “Best of Oberyn Part 1” until you want to shave off that ridiculous facial hair and find some pants with enough room for your junk. I’m sorry guys, I’m normally not angry with you. I’m angry with Tywin, and that bitch Cersei, and the Mountain, and Tyrion too kind of, and especially your Mom—I mean, the Red Viper in a way.
I know this is what he wanted more than anything since the sack of Kings Landing during Robert’s Rebellion when his sister Elia was raped and murdered. But it didn’t have to be this way. Poison would have worked fine (he probably smeared some on his spears right?). The only good thing to come out of any of this, at least Oberyn got to die doing what he loved—being the cockiest motherfucker in the Seven Kingdoms. Let’s face it, the Mountain probably died from the wounds he was dealt during the duel. And did confess to Oberyn while brutally murdering him. So in a fucked up way (that can only be described as Gurm-esque) everybody wins except Tyrion. Oberyn will maybe eventually kill the Mountain from his wounds or the poison I’m assuming he applied lustily (he did everything lustily) to his spear, Oberyn also got his confession, The Mountain gets to die in agony with the satisfaction of a job well done, Tywin gets rid of Tyrion, Cersei gets rid of Tyrion, Pycelle gets rid of Tyrion, pretty much everyone gets rid of Tyrion. I think the only person other than Tyrion this death sentence bums out is Tommen (Ser Pounce has been evasive when asked about the situation by the cat media of King's Landing).
You’re probably wondering when I’m going to get to the scores. I’m just not ready to admit that Oberyn won’t score any more points in the remaining two weeks of the season. To think that one of the greatest rookies in league history’s career is over before it truly was able to blossom is sadder than knowing that Arya hasn’t seen her direwolf Nymeria since season 1.
Alright, Oberyn scored 500 for dying in style. Mostly because of him doing the best unsuccessful Inigo Montoya speech in television history. Only since this is Game of Thrones and not a children’s movie, he didn’t say “My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father. Prepare to die.” Oberyn shouts, “Ellia of Dorne! You Raped Her! You Murdered Her! You Killed Her Children!” He’s in control of the fight the entire time. Even when he’s getting knocked around a little you can tell that he’s not in danger of being hit. It’s only when he can’t control his emotions that he gets himself in trouble. He is basically doing a Bond Villain monologue when the Mountain is on his back with a spear in his belly. Oberyn fucked up, he blew a big lead. And he cost Tyrion his life—but let’s be real for a second, Oberyn didn’t give a fuck about Tyrion. Oberyn wouldn’t even bang him, and that’s saying something. The Mountain had a good week too with 485 points. How did he score fewer points than the guy he killed? The same reason it was boring to watch Shaq play basketball when he got older. It’s just a big guy using his bulk to beat up on a smaller guy until he could put the ball in the hoop without jumping (I say this as a person who owns a Shaq magic jersey—young, skinny Shaq was the shit).
A lot of other shit happened this week. But do you even really care after that duel? I don’t so let’s just run through the highlights, shall we?
Grey Worm and Missandei (390 and 155 points respectively)
This is America’s next great Will They/Won’t They couple. They actually take it a step further due to Grey Worm being a eunuch, this is a Can They/Can’t They? couple. And we now know that Missandei has spent time thinking about what is going on down there. Personally, I’m in favor of this, otherwise Meereen could turn into Game of Thrones equivalent of the farm soap opera season of the Walking Dead.
Ramsay Bolton (750 points)
Ramsay the Bastard of Bolton lost a nickname, but gained an inheritance. No longer a Snow, he is now Roose Bolton’s trueborn heir. That’s huge considering Roose is the new Ned Stark. Why was Ramsay rewarded like this? For securing Moat Cailin, the key to the North allowing his lord father’s army to cross through the Neck. Ramsay couldn’t have done it without Reek and now Roose is on the loose (scoring 325 points this week after a long drought).
Sansa Stark (465 points)
Remember when Sansa was a really lame character who told the truth all the time and was under the Lannister’s thumb for three seasons. That Sansa did not come to the Vale. Sansa did a great job of manipulating the Lords of the Vale (Bronze Yohn Royce, Lady Waynwood, and Lord Corbray I believe) into believing her aunt Lysa had committed suicide. Thus saving Littlefinger’s head and allowed her to reveal her true identity. She is poised to score big points going forward every week she appears. Worth a start every week in my opinion.
Arya Stark (150 points)
Arya and the Hound finally got to the Bloody Gate after a lovely discussion about how upset Arya was that she didn’t get to kill Joffrey. Or at least watch. Then after learning that her aunt died three days before she got to the Vale, she just started laughing hysterically. She just can’t catch a break. Except she totally should still go in because that’s where Sansa is. But we all know that will never happen.
Let's check out the rest of this week's scores!
And the league leaders through 8 weeks!