July is beginning, and as our smart readers probably know, this means that June has come to an end. Therefore, it's time to give out another set of awards to the best and the worst everything of the month. This month's award winners include a famous singer, a famous country, and a special iPad case! Congratulations to all our award winners, among whom Jimmy Fraturday is still not included.
King Joffrey Memorial Bitch Award - Justin Bieber
Surprisingly, after almost six months as a website, Dudefest.com has yet to write anything about the artist who actually was more popular than Jesus, Justin Bieber. Even more surprisingly, it took Mr. Bieber until our third set of Dudefest Awards to win the coveted Bitch Award. What happened to him this time? Did another prostitute photograph him in his sleep? Did he leave another monkey in a foreign country? Unfortunately, it was something much less awesome (hence the Bitch Award and not the Idiot Award). About five years ago, at the ripe young age of 15, Bieber was hanging out with some friends and told a racist joke involving chainsaws. The worst part? That joke was stopped being funny when we turned twelve. Grow up, five-years-ago Justin Bieber.
Idiot Award - North Korea
North Korea is... eccentric. We can't find a better word to describe them. As a country, they make headlines that make the government of Iran shake their heads in confusion. This month, when the only person in North Korea with access to the Internet found out that odd couple Seth Rogan and James Franco are starring in a new film called THE INTERVIEW in which they are asked by the CIA to assassinate whichever Kim Jong is currently in charge of their country, North Korea's foreign minister referred to the film as "undisguised terrorism and a war action", which are clearly words that they haven't covered in his English 101 class. You're talking about America here, dude. If we were going to assassinate your incompetent, chubby, little leader, he'd be dead by the time you've finished reading this sentence. Their foreign minister also went on to speak of "the dignified and worthwhile life the Korean people enjoy at present". If we've learned anything from Breaking Bad, it's that a life filled with crystal meth is definitely both of those things.
Jack Dempsey Memorial Sports Award - Clint Dempsey
Source: I Want to go to the Zoo with Roy Halladay
Duh. Already a big part of our Dude of the Week last week, Clint M. Dempsey (the M is short for "MOTHERFUCKING") is of course the winner of the Jack Dempsey Memorial Sports Award for June 2014. He is Captain Fucking America. He scored the could-have-would-have-should-have-been game-winning goal against Portugal with his (massive) dong. Literally just fucked it into the net. Without it, we would have ended up losing to those communists. He scored the fifth-fastest goal in World Cup history (thirty fucking seconds!), and the fastest ever by an American, against those communist Ghanaians. He was also responsible for the closest we came to scoring against those other communists, the Germans. Dempsey was the obvious choice for this category, and not just because his last name is Dempsey (which is Dudefestese for "Hard-body motherfucker with the heart of a killer"). He's a hard fighting, hard kicking, World Cupping son of a bitch, and if you kick him in the face he will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.
Internet Award - "Wiggle"
In a twist of events no one could ever have seen coming, a song about butts became super popular this month. "Wiggle", by 24-year-old Jason Derulo, encourages any lady with a "big fat butt" to "wiggle, wiggle, wiggle", and "make it clap". We're unsure of how a butt, which doesn't have hands, could possibly clap (there must be some sort of symbolic meaning there), what we do know is that this song is irresistible. It's simple, it has a catchy chorus, and it's jam-packed with relatable pop culture references like Instagram, Cadillacs, and planets. The song is, in fact, so great that Jason Derulo finally found the confidence to not announce his name at the beginning of the song. Speaking of which, if you're looking for a new text tone, Dudefest.com has you covered.
Footjob Award - Tim Murray
After trailing in the polls to incumbent Republican US Congressman Frank Lucas of Oklahoma, Congressman hopeful and village idiot Tim Murray accused his rival of being a robot in human skin. He said that Lucas was executed publicly in the Ukraine, and that his votes shouldn’t count as he is no longer a sentient being but a machine wrapped in skin. His strategy didn’t work, because he lost the election. If he was smarter, he would’ve known that there is precedent for robots serving in government, as Arnold Schwarzenegger was Governor of California for several years.
Maybe Oklahoma has a sizeable secret robot population who came out to support their robot overlord Congressman, but we suppose we’ll never know for sure. All we do know is that this Tim Murray guy sounds like an asshole. Who are his advisors that heard his plan and said, “Yeah, you should definitely say that. That’s definitely not an insult to everybody’s intelligence and it’s probably true too.” You know what? They’re probably robots too. Maybe Murray even won the election, but robots were rigging the votes. We don’t know where we’re going with this, but we think it’s safe to say that at least 80% of all elected officials or business leaders are probably robots. That’s supposed to be the takeaway, right?
Thing Award - The Launchpad
The company Fleshlight, known to personal pleasure enthusiasts for the product also named the Fleshlight, made a startling announcement this month, with the introduction of a product they refer to as the LaunchPAD. The LaunchPAD is a two-in-one case, as it holds both your iPad, and your Fleshlight for simultaneous use. Actually, the fact that it holds a Fleshlight technically makes it a three-in-one case. With a sleek design two-and-a-half-years in the making, and a one-size-fits-all Fleshlight holster that allows for easy replacement in the case of overuse, the LaunchPAD is a revolutionary new product that's poised to revolutionize the way users interact with their tablets. Steve Jobs would proud. Word has already gotten out about the Fleshlight's DrillPAD, an iPad case with a long, rounded, battery-powered handle that allows users to hold out their iPad as if it were a vibrating skillet. The DrillPAD is rumored to release in Q4 2014, just in time for the holidays. We know what we'll be getting our moms!
Participation Award - Snoop Dogg
Snoop-a-loop! Dudefest.com has to take some time to recognize the legendary career of Snoop Dogg aka Snoop Doggy Dogg aka Snoop Lion. He skyrocketed to fame for his inputs on the early 90s rap classic “The Chronic” and his own album “Doggystyle”, and since then has been steadily decreasing quality (not counting "Drop It Like It's Hot", but he had Pharrell's help on that one) without decreasing fame or income. We think he still might be making albums, and everyone still wants to work with him even though they know he’s going to half-ass his verses. Really, have you heard a song featuring Snoop Dogg in the last five years where he wasn’t phoning it in? We haven’t. On Katy Perry’s “California Gurls,” he rhymes “bikinis, zucchinis, martinis” like he’s the Shamwow guy. He’s also on the fellow Dudefest Award winner “Wiggle”, and his appearance is incredibly short and mediocre. So, even though he’s nowhere as good as he used to be, Snoop’s still showing up for that paycheck.
World Of Darkness Award - ISIS
We know what you’re thinking, and the answer is no. We are not referring to the “fictional” spy agency/drug cartel from the show Archer. The real ISIS is much, much more terrifying. You know how we spent eight years fighting a war in Iraq so we could
get oil spread democracy and sunshine and rainbows across Iraq? Well, ISIS is an extremist military organization that is taking over the country. Short for “Islamic State of Iraq and Syria”, ISIS spread from Eastern Syria and effectively took over the northern half of Iraq in a matter of days earlier in June. As they are notorious for being extra violent, Iraq has now reclaimed their seat atop the pile of “worst places to live.” Sorry, Detroit. They have now sort of declared themselves their own government intent on taking over the Middle East, which is great because that region seemed too peaceful recently. Fuck you ISIS.
Class Reunion Award - 70th D-Day Paratrooper Anniversary
We don’t know if you youngins know this, but June 28th was the 100th anniversary of an assassination that sparked World War I, also known as the War to End All Wars. Well, the end of that war paved the way for World War II, an even bloodier war that pitted us against the epitome of evil, the Nazis. If you’ve ever seen SAVING PRIVATE RYAN or played video games in the 2000s, you’re also probably familiar with D-Day, one of WWII’s most famous battles where we began the liberation of France. June 6th was the 70th anniversary of the D-Day landing, and there are a few vets from that day still kicking. The most ballsy of crew decided to celebrate the anniversary by taking to the air and parachuting into Normandy as they did 70 years ago. One of them, 93-year-old Jim Martin (pictured), even sported his old uniform. Though they didn’t kill any Nazis this time around, we here at Dudefest are going to chalk that up as the best class reunion that happened this month.
Wingman Award - Yahoo!
For those of you who haven't been on the Internet this week, first, thanks for making Dudefest.com the first stop on your return. We speak for the Internet when we say that we're glad to have you back. Second, Yahoo! renewed the cult comedy Community for a sixth season, which is not something we knew Yahoo! could do. Apparently, Yahoo! has a streaming video service, and at a time to be announced, that streaming video service will have episodes of Community that cannot be legally shown elsewhere. So for you Community fans out there, you have a tough decision ahead. Do you spend hours trying to figure out how navigate through the shit-show that is Yahoo.com to get to its streaming video service, or do you stop watching Community? It's a tough choice. And since time not spent on Yahoo.com is time well spent, we'd choose the latter. Congrats to Yahoo! on the Wingman Award!
Joe Kennedy is a staunch technophobe and suffers from a debilitating fear of human hands. If for some reason you'd like to get in touch with him, send a letter to 463 Mass Ave Cambridge MA 02139.