Couples make me sick to my stomach. That’s right, you assholes know I’m talking about you. I absolutely cannot stand the fact that I’m in my early twenties and am for some reason constantly surrounded by people that act like they’re fucking newlyweds. You are all fucking disgusting. Allow me to clarify a few things before this rant takes a brutal turn for the worse.
For some insane reason I end up hanging out with a shit ton of couples. And by shit ton I mean practically everyone I know. I also currently live with a couple, sometimes two, so my tolerance for this situation has reached its peak. Plus, I can’t seem to figure out how the fuck this happened to me! I don’t know if it’s because I’m just a friendly and warm-hearted individual but I sure as fuck did not ask to be a third wheel for all eternity. And why would I? I want to get laid too! If you have managed to somehow find a person you want to spend all your spare time with, then do the world a favor and be gross in the privacy of your own home or anywhere that's not in front of me when we’re eating, drinking, or really at any social situation. For those of you who think I’m over exaggerating the amount of love fests I’m exposed to on a daily basis or assume I’m being cranky because I'm not in a relationship, you’re a fucking idiot. And I hate you.
When two people start spending a significant amount of time together it is inevitable that some new, weird form of communication starts to develop. For some couples language is done in complete silence when no real verbal communication is needed to get a point across. You people are the fucking tits! All couples need to learn by this example and stop staring into each others eyes, giggling, and kissing while I’m trying to chug my beer and use my hawk eyes to stare down the hot stud at the end of the bar, peeing in an alley, or whatever. It’s distracting to my game and gross. Here’s a tip! If you are madly in love and can’t keep your hands off each other then don’t ask other people to come hang out with you! There are way too many of you pulling this shit on the reg and I’m about to fucking lose it here.
A few months ago one particular couple finally picked up on the grand scale of duos I spend time with. Now these two had some real balls and dared to ask me to rank all the couples I hang out with in order of who I like to chill with the most and who makes me want to pluck out my eyeballs and rinse then in a glass of Everclear to get the sight of you out of my vision. Essentially what these two really wanted was to find out how they ranked against other couples in terms of not being the biggest cocktards while hanging out with me. Considering how the number of couples in my life has now hit approximately 16 the competition is neck and neck for that number one spot. Long story short… the couple that asked me for my list ended up in 2nd place and they got super butt-hurt over for it the longest time. Sucks to suck. Maybe if every couple I hangout with didn't act like such disrespectful pricks all the time I wouldn't have to make a fucking list in the first place.
But even with my ranking system, do you know what the most fucked up part of all this ranting is? Out of all these 32 people who are in relationships that I spend a huge chunk of time hang out/live with only one person, that’s right ONE, has ever asked me if it actually bothers me spending so much time with couples. A mega gold star goes out to this gin-soaked dude because he hit the nail right on the fucking head. It’s not like I’m sitting at home crying myself to sleep over not having anyone to cuddle with, far from it. But you know what does annoy me? Having to make all my plans around the schedules of two different people that are attached at the fucking hip! You have the rest of your lives to be disgusting and gross so do me a favor and cut the shit with the PDA in front of me or get the fuck out.
End of story.
Sliz is the angriest writer for Dudefest.com, the other dudes speculate this is due to her not being a dude.