LETTERS TO THE DUDEFEST FORUM
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Poland Spring Got My Roommate Laid
Jimmy Fraturday
August 10, 2014

Dear Dudefest Forum,

 

This is a story that epitomized the relationship between me and my freshman year roommate. First off, fuck you rooming surveys, you're worse at your job than the weather man. My freshman roommate was a big goofy Irish motherfucker, red hair and all, who played on the football team. Lets call him Colin.

 

Now Colin and I always got along ok. We weren't particularly close, we had different groups of friends, and for the most part our schedules differed so much (he had football, and I had crew) that we never really hung out that often. Like I said, he was a nice kid, but a football player through and through, who really had his priorities in line and we were best described as frenemies.

 

Colin's Priorities: 1. Football, 2. Fuckin Bitches, ....25. School.

 

He and I shared most of our things, like good roommates who don't know each other very well do. We had cases of water, chips, easy mac, etc. stashed in the room, which comes into play a little later in the story. But first we have to meet the girl.

 

The girl of this tale was some cute blonde chick. My buddy JP and I only ever saw her in the dining hall and we (uncreatively) named her Hot Breakfast Chick. To this day, that is all I can remember her as, despite learning her real name a few times. It was weird to only see her in one place on campus because of how small my alma mater is. JP and I creeped on her every morning at breakfast, and watched her disappear from the dining hall, not to be seen until the next morning meal.

 

It should be noted that at this point in my career I was still dating my high school girlfriend who went to college 3 hours away. Despite what you may think, I'm exceptionally loyal and hate cheaters, so I was off the market. This was a pretty hard policy to have because of how good looking I am (top 5 on the Dudefest.com staff, #1 in my own mind, and in all of the ladies' minds) and as anyone who has been a freshman in college can attest, there are girls literally throwing themselves at you to fuck. So, in order to keep my integrity, I would drink. To excess. And by excess I mean to the point where it just wasn't really possible for me to hook-it with any ladies. I was either incapable, or simply looked like a drunk mess that no one would want to bring home.

 

This particular night I was sauced and had made it back to my dorm with several of my dorm-mates. For some reason, we were hanging out in the hallway, and I remember being so drunk I was lying on the floor with my head propped up against the wall with an easy mac cup on my chest. My dorm-mates and I were shooting the shit when Colin walked through the hall door with none other than Hot Breakfast Chick by his side. Both of them were pretty drunk, and they stumbled down the hall towards us. I was finally seeing Hot Breakfast Chick somewhere other than the dining hall. My heart was skipping beats left and right as they sauntered toward our group. I was scared, nervous, angry and confused all at the same time - I couldn't believe my roommate was bringing back the girl I had a crush on.

 

Awkward small talk ensued. It was early enough in freshman year that people were still too self-conscious to walk by a big group of their friends to go bang in the room. Me and my friends were essentially a roadblock to Colin getting it in, and he wasn't having any of it. This girl who, as it turns out, was dumb as rocks, would not stop talking to me and my friends. We talked about where she lived on campus, her major, etc, etc, until she finally said that she was from Maine. The following discussion then occurred:

 

Colin: "You're from Maine?"

 

Hot Breakfast Chick: "Uhhh, yeaaaa, I just said that" (giggles to herself)

 

Colin: "Wow that is too crazy. You'll never believe it but I have a case of Poland Spring in my room! That's water from Maine!"

 

Hot Breakfast Chick: "Yeaaaaa, I love that stuff. It comes from, like, 2 hours away from me."

 

Colin: "We should drink some!"

 

She followed him into the room, and I was amazed. My roommate had managed to bring a girl back and get her into our room, in private, using god damn Poland Spring brand water. I then proceeded to fall asleep in the hallway.

 

Hours later I woke up to find Hot Breakfast Chick trying her best to sneak out of our room. Her hair was disheveled, her dress was barely on, and she was clearly trying to escape without everyone knowing that she was baited into our room using bottled water.

Jimmy Fraturday is THE authoritative voice on playing sports with a beer in hand. He is the son of two great Americans, and he enjoys a good gargoyle over a keg stand. He recently stopped drinking Natty Light during the week. All hate mail can be directed to his email.

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