It’s rivalry week in A Fantasy League of Ice and Fire! After spending more time dancing around the assault on Castle Black than Talisa and King Robb (RIP) spent talking about the atrocities of war before finally fucking, Mance Rayder and his “army” of Wildlings finally attacked the wall. The plan was to assault the Wall from both sides at the same time. As far as Westerosi battle plans are concerned, this is pretty straightforward (i.e. no smoke monsters or framing Tyrion as a poisoner) and actually logical. I’m not even sure which attack was supposed to be a distraction for the other. The attack on the red gate led by Tormund Giantsbane (655 points) and Styr the Magnar of Thenn (805 points) started off as a roaring success. The Nights Watch had conveniently left all of their worst fighters at the base of the wall (hence why Sam and Pyp were on crossbow duty). The Wildlings knocking on the front door - or in the case of Mag the Mighty (Giants collectively scored 650 points) lifting up the front door and letting himself in - had to deal with a much more skilled opponent: The Wall.
Jon Snow (1160 points)
The least wanted son of Ned Stark may know nothing, but he found a way to score a buttload of points this week. He broke Tywin Lannister’s single week high score of 830 points. The whole episode revolved around Jon and he reaped the benefits. He really got to show off his versatility (stat padding for his next contract) as a fighter, commander of the wall, and even an exceptionally shitty poet. When Sam was asking him about his carnal relations with Ygritte, he came the closest anyone in A Fantasy League of Ice and Fire has come to the Bags of Sand Speech from A Forty Year Old Virgin of Ice and Fire. For all of the great things that happened to Jon Snow, nothing was more satisfying than when Ser Alliser Thorne (still the acting Lord Commander) admits that they should have sealed the tunnel. God damn being right is awesome.
I think it’s safe to assume at this point that Jon Snow will be the next Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch. Why do I think that? Jon said it himself, “Who is left to give orders?” The Wall is probably the only place in Westeros where a Stark bastard is wanted by other people.
Ygritte the Spearwife (850 points)
She’s spent the majority of the time since Jon Snow ran off with that horse-faced slut of a horse moping and waiting for another chance to put an arrow in Jon Snow’s heart. So when the Wildling raiding party are having their nightly campfire, she’s not in a great mood. This is unfortunate because Tormund was in the middle of what I imagine would be an awesome story about fucking a bear when she yells at him to shut up because they both know he never fucked a bear. Personally I think he did. You can’t make that stuff up.
Once the battle got started, Ygritte was scoring like gangbusters. It was like shooting crows in a barrel, when none of the crows know how to properly aim a crossbow back. It was quite the one-sided bloodbath until Ser Alliser and reinforcements showed up.
We were also given the long awaited reunion of everyone’s favorite Wildling-Black Brother power couple, Ygritte and Jon Snow. They returned with a bang as the top two scorers this week. We knew there would be a tense moment between the two once Jon had joined the Freys fray in Castle Black. Neither the Old Gods nor the New disappointed us. Fresh off putting a hammer through the Magnar of Thenn’s skull, Jon came face to face with the Land of Always Winter’s favorite kissed by fire Wildling (Damn these descriptions are getting a little long). For the second time in as many confrontations, Ygritte couldn’t pull the trigger and kill Jon Snow with an arrow as long as Tormund’s member. Even though she totes said she would before the battle. Her moment of smoldering hesitation and sexual tension was interrupted by that orphan boy nailing her with an arrow of his own. I knew she was going to die because that’s what happens in A Fantasy League of Ice and Fire. I was happy she died saying her favorite catchphrase one last time. I was super worried that instead of “You know nothing, Jon Snow,” she would go out with “You know… something, Jon Snow.” That would have been like Oberyn passing on boning some random hottie - just wrong. Thank god Disney doesn’t run the league.
Before we move on, I want to point out that since Olly the orphan boy from the Wildling raid killed Ygritte, her death is Sam’s fault. He’s the jackass who told him to get a weapon and help. He killed the only Wildling he wasn’t supposed to. I almost took points away from Sam for that.
A Tale of Two Knights: Sers Alliser Thorne and Janos Slynt (360 and -235 points respectively)
Ser Alliser Thorne and no-longer-Lord Janos Slynt haven’t had much of an impact on this season. This week was their opportunity to shine. Ser Alliser took advantage and Ser Janos revealed himself to be a moist, quivering puss. Ser Alliser found out about the Wildlings at the front gate and went to go kill them. He even gave a couple of cool speeches along the way. Before leaving, he gave command to Janos. Instead of ordering the men to fire their arrows, he was more concerned with trying to convince Jon Snow that giants didn’t exist. That’s not only stupid, it’s counterproductive. Thankfully, Grenn was there to lie to Janos about being needed below. He was too busy peeing his pants and mumbling incoherently about how much more organized the City Watch of Kings Landing was compared to this murder of crows on The Wall.
Ser Alliser did his fair share of killing before being wounded by Styr the Magnar of Thenn. Meanwhile, Janos went to go hide in various places around the training yard before locking himself in the cellar that Sam had left Gilly in before the fighting started. Boy did he look embarrassed when Sam came back to collect her after the fighting. What. A. Bitch. He was awarded so many negative points this week, he finally unseated Sam from his highly coveted position at the bottom of the power rankings. Previously only Sam had been acting like he ‘wanted it’ enough to consistently be the opposite of Dudefest. Speaking of Sam the Slayer...
Samwell Tarly (500 points)
The Slayer actually did some slaying this week! This was shocking as Sam had been unable to send a raven back to Castle Black when the wights attacked the Fist of the First Men back in Season 3. Normally any killing done by Sam would have been the biggest Tarly-related news for the week. But this wasn’t your average week in A Fantasy League of Ice and Fire. Sam did two things that were fucking amazing. 1: Finally manned up and kissed Gilly (technically not breaking his vows as noted in the beginning of the episode). and 2: Actually not dying after promising to not die (my sweet prince…). So for the first time since Sam had 0 points, Sam no longer has a negative cumulative score for the season.
Pouring One Out for The Homies
I didn’t want to end this on a negative note, but we lost a lot of folks this week. On both sides of the Great War for Winter. In fact, every single non-Tormund Giantsbane Wildling that went into Castle Black didn’t come out. Remember how Pyp wasn’t doing so hot with his crossbow? Ygritte was doing fine with her bow and put an arrow through his neck. Not before he accumulated a healthy 10 points (+100 for killing a Wildling, -100 for immediately dying after, the +10 was from when he let Gilly through the gate).
Of all the Brothers of the Nights Watch to die, Grenn the Aurochs had the best death. He went out with a bang (the sound of a Giant smashing into the inner gate) and racked up an astounding 540 points given his limited screen time. For however many seconds between when Mag the Mighty (King of the Giants) died and he did, he was a Giantslayer. I’m not a mathematician but I think a Giantslayer beats a Giantsbane (Tormund still has time though).
Of the notable Wildling deaths, there weren’t any more satisfying than seeing Jon Snow put a hammer through Styr’s fucking bald, earless head. I hate that guy. Even though he was kind of funny when he was giving Ygritte shit about not killing Jon Snow. He did pretty well for himself before dying (racked up 805 points for killing that many crows and making it look easy too).
The crazy thing is, Mance wasn’t even in the episode but he still managed to score 175 points for successfully testing the defenses of Castle Black without sustaining any major losses outside of a few mammoths and giants. This war is far from over and the King Beyond the Wall means to be the King On Top of the Wall and then the King South of the Wall. Beyond that his plans are unknown to us fans of A Fantasy League of Ice and Fire. And with that, let’s look at this week’s scoreboard
And here are the cumulative rankings as we head into next weeks finale: