Recently, one of many loyal fans reached out to me and said, “Sliz, you should definitely rant about Basic Bitches.” I did not have a fucking clue what a Basic Bitch was so I asked this faithful admirer to elaborate. Turns out he didn’t know either. All he knew was that dudes love ragging on them. I decided to put my analytical skills to the test and did a little research on the Basic Bitch to see if you dudes could actually defend ripping into them as much as you all attempt to do. I have spent the last month deep in research, with sources such as friends, work associates, and the ever so reliable interweb, as well as taking samples from Pinterest. The end result was shocking…
Turns out I have been ranting about Basic Bitches for years and I didn’t even know it! I have legitimately despised these sloots for so long it has become second nature to me. People sometimes stare at me for being so scary hateful about Basic Bitches - similar to the stares I get when picking up a 30 rack of Busch Light at a gas station. But at the end of the day, I don’t give a fuck, because I know I’m right and have way more fun than you sorry sacks of shit. Since Urban Dictionary and all other internet definitions have straight up dropped the ball on this subject, I’m here to pick up the slack.
Basic Bitch – A female who has conformed to every single fiber of mainstream popularity so deeply that she has stopped using her brain to form an individual thought.
Example: “Karen just bought 4 pairs of J. Crew shorts in the same color and Instagramed a picture of her Starbucks using a Hefe filter to accent her new manicure, what a Basic Bitch.”
I’ve only had a few/multiple cocktails tonight, so here are two reasons why all Basic Bitches need to shut the fuck up and deserve to be made fun of by every dude. This rant from here on out is directed to all the Basic Bitches out there.
#Blessed – Every time I see or hear “#blessed” I instantly stop whatever I’m doing and begin a frantic search for any sort of alcoholic beverage. Seriously, anything will do. And no, this is not just because of my borderline alcoholic habits. Do any of you Basic Bitches actually know what the term blessed means? Based on all your Facebook album titles, you're all a bunch of artards. "Blessed" is a term used within a religious faction to define a person or relic that has received a particular acknowledgment from a higher authority, which has been dictated through the guidelines of any given faith. In case that last statement was a tad too complex for you to comprehend, allow me to clarify… BLESSED DOES NOT MEAN THAT YOU ARE SUPER STOKED WHEN YOU POST A PICTURE ON FACEBOOK WITH YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY AND CURRENT SOCIALLY AWKWARD BUT DECENTLY GOOD LOOKING BOYFRIEND WHILE HOLDING A PERFECT SKINNY ARM POSE! Here’s a thought -- take a break from your daily strenuous activities, such as taking BuzzFeed quizzes to determine what city you should actually be living in, and instead try skimming through some reliable news (Fox doesn't count) or maybe reading a damn book.
Vodka Cocktails and Sushi – I just want to make one thing clear right now. A MARTINI IS MADE WITH GIN NOT FUCKING VODKA. Do not even start to say, “oh but Sliz you can make a martini with gin OR vodka.” Nope, you are actually just straight up wrong on this topic. I dare one of you bitches to say this to me one more time and I’ll kick the shit out of your elliptical-workout-lululemon-wearing-fro-yo-eating ass so hard that you won’t even be able to cross your legs when sitting in front of the mirror to put on your liquor eye liner! Seriously, stop drinking shitty vodka drinks just because they get you drunk and you can’t taste it. Watching you choke down flavored martinis, vodka sodas, and gummy bear shots before taking selfies in the bathroom is actually making my eyes bleed.
And don’t even get me started about going out to eat with a Basic Bitch and having a decent meal - you know why? BECAUSE IT’S FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE! Basic Bitches are highly sensitive or just down right snotty about trying new foods. The most exotic food the Basic Bitch will ever consume is sushi and that’s only because it’s so fun to try something “exotic.” Sorry to burst your trend-setting pace, bitches, but do you even have the slightest idea what’s in your precious spicy tuna roll? Nope? I didn’t think so. It’s actually aged tuna, walking a fine line of being certified “fresh” from the FDA. This questionable tuna is then mixed with mayonnaise to act as an anti-aging ingredient and to hide any funky fish smells. Yup, you are eating old seafood that is laced with a fattening condiment. OH WAIT! None of this matters because Basic Bitches drench their sushi in soy sauce, which demolishes any real seafood taste the sushi had to begin with. Next time I have to go out to eat with you bitches, do me a favor - stick with your iceberg lettuce salads from the 90’s, it’s cheaper and I can still get a decent beer at restaurants that serve them.
Moral of the story, I probably should never have learned what a Basic Bitch is. I really don’t need anymore reasons to be pissed off on a daily basis. On a high note, you dudes have all the ammo you need to make fun of every Basic Bitch you know.
Sliz is the angriest writer for Dudefest.com, the other dudes speculate this is due to her not being a dude.