THE HUNGER GAMES: CATCHING FIRE was the biggest movie in the world for months; less than two weeks after its release, it had grossed nearly $300 million in the US alone. Its domestic opening weekend cleared its budget by nearly $20 million, and one month after release it had made over $730 million worldwide. At the time of this writing, it was the 12th all time highest-grossing film in the US. In light of this record-breaking cinematic event, Dudefest.com has decided to provide you, dear reader, with a Guyde to the career of the world’s most influential acress:
Jennifer Lawrence’s booty.
THE EARLY YEARS
A star’s ass is born.
The Bill Engvall Show (2009)
I am starting with Season 3, Episode 1 (Give Me a Break, aired July 18 2009) because even though I’m a creep writing about a stranger’s ass on the internet, I’m not so much of a creep that I’ll write about it before it’s 18. This is the first glimpse we get of her as a legitimate actress with a legitimate booty. Too bad it’s wasted on the worst “comedian” to disgrace television with what TBS insultingly refers to as “jokes”.
Dat booty is not flaunted near enough to save this train wreck of a show, and it was mercifully canceled. The producers kept this one on life support waiting for Ms. Lawrence’s booty to turn 18 (which occurred roughly around the same time the rest of her turned 18) so they could begin the process of turning dat ass into the American institution it is today. Her first major role opened up that opportunity, so while I never thought I’d say it, I thank you, Bill Engvall. Just stop trying to be funny. Don’t try to play the “watching it for the plot” excuse for this show, because nobody will believe you.
WINTER’S BONE (2010)
Her booty plays a 17-year-old in this one, but I’m pretty sure it was shot after our agreed upon “Creeper Deadline” of August 15, 2008 (thanks, Wikipedia!) so I’m gonna go for it. Since there’s a chance I’m wrong and I couldn’t find any production information (thanks, Wikipedia!) I’ll leave this one short: More like Winter’s Boner!
EDIT: I found it! Shot from February to March of 2009 (thanks, indiewire!). Jennifer’s booty (not to be confused with the brain poison JENNIFER’S BODY) almost made Bill Engvall worth having on television, but WINTER’S BONE showed that her rockin’ ass can carry a movie all on its own. (94% of people agree. Seriously, it’s in a category titled “Universal Acclaim”.) Her badonk was even nominated for an Oscar for Best Actress, though it had to wait until 2013 to actually win it. Feel free to watch this movie without feeling like too much of a creep, because no matter what, you’re still less creepy than I feel right now.
THE SCOURGE OF MEDIOCRITY
Forgettable roles in forgettable movies.
HOUSE AT THE END OF THE STREET (2012)
Not even America’s finest booty could save this shitstorm of a “horror” film: 10% on Rotten Tomatoes, 31/100 on Metacritic. I placed this up here in the mediocre years because it was shot in 2010, but the producers clearly realized the damage this garbage would do to the suddenly popular “Jennifer Lawrence’s Ass” brand and buried it, only to quietly release it two years later with a notable lack of advertising. How many of you had even heard of this movie before? And how many of those people thought it was the remake of LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT? Skip this one.
LIKE CRAZY (2011)
I had never heard of this 90-minute crapfest until right now. Her booty’s not in it enough to make it worth watching. And there is just no way any sane, straight man would choose Felicity Jones’s booty over Jennifer Lawrence’s; I don’t care how much she tries to make it look like Zooey Deschanel’s. Felicity’s is a fine booty, I’m sure, but J-Law’s just don’t quit. Minus points for lack of believability. At least Anton Yelchin got to pretend hit that. Like all of the movies in this section, it’s not booty enough to be worth your time.
THE BEAVER (2011)
Don’t go into this movie like I did, thinking you’re gonna see some beaver. You will be sorely disappointed. Don’t go into this movie at all.
NOW LEMME SEE YOUR UPSWING!
The huge upswing (ohhhh, now I get it) in that magical ass’s popularity first starts.
X-MEN: FIRST CLASS (2011)
Finally, we’re getting into my wheelhouse here. The incomparable Jennifer Lawrence’s booty plays Mystique’s booty, one of the best and most sexual mutant booties from Marvel’s X-MEN franchise. This movie wasn’t a reboot(y), but a solid prequel that managed to reverse some of the damage done to a great franchise by X-MEN: THE LAST STAND, a film which definitely would have benefited from some of that Lawrence booty (butt even that probably couldn’t have saved it). All in all, her booty is believable as the booty that can change forms and also drive men wild. Youtube clips don’t do this one justice- get that bad boy on Blu-Ray and project it on the wall of your parent’s basement for your own personal debasement.
THE HUNGER GAMES (2012)
The film that officially skyrocketed that glorious behind into the super-stardom it deserves. Never forget her, dudes. Never take her for granted. We all did this together, now let’s ride it out.
SILVER LININGS PLAYBOOK (2012)
She dances. In yoga pants. And she roots for the Eagles. She truly is the perfect woman. These are the films where Hollywood finally realized they had America’s sweetheart (sweetbooty?) on their hands, and they definitely made it count.
THE HUNGER GAMES: CATCHING FIRE (2013)
Ah, the booty that started this whole, um… “research project”. You already know the numbers behind this one’s success, so I’m confident in saying that at least 70% of that revenue is directly because of her ass. (They’ve got her in yoga pants the whole time for this one, too.) If you’re one of the twelve people on the planet that haven’t seen it yet, you’ve missed out and it’s probably too late for you. Go watch THE BEAVER you philistine.
AMERICAN HUSTLE (2013)
I’m pretty sure that by the time this gets posted, I’ll have seen this one and updated this section. If not, I assume my editor will remove it. (Editor’s Note: No, I won’t. Fuck you.)
Keep your eyes on this one, fellow dudes. Jennifer Lawrence’s booty has firmly rooted itself in the American zeitgeist, and it’s our job to make sure it stays there. It deserves it. And we deserve it, too.