Times is tough. I'm not sure why, but it's something about Wall Street, and it's really fucking hard to find a job these days. But for the sake of argument, let's say you found a job. Whether it be social media managing, flipping burgers, or shaking a cup, you've managed to scrape together a few hundred cents.
But now that you have money, everyone you meet from now on will try to take it from you, until it's gone of course. Sure, you could try to save it, hide it in a bank, or convert it into gold and wear the gold in a sack around your neck, but what are you trying to do? Save money? Two words: Fuck. That.
The only conceivable way to live, when the world wants more dollars from you than you have in your tin cup, is to live beyond your means. By now you're probably wondering "But Len Knish, how do you do it? You must be a stockbroker or some kind of financial wizard!" Wrong, and wrong. I'm an inveterate drunk with a premium porn subscription. So without further adieu: The Dudefest Guyde to Living Beyond Your Means
Step One: Find Shelter
Sure, it's possible to live beyond your means when you live at home, but doing things half-assed is not dudefest. Neither is sinking all of your money into a sweet spoiler and underglow for your '96 Civic. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.
Now, you can't just move into a practical apartment in a reasonable town, you need a huge apartment in New York Fucking City. In a trendy neighborhood, too. I could do a breakdown of all the hip young neighborhoods in Manhattan and Brooklyn, but it's more fun to do your own research. Look for cupcakes, mustaches, and "dive" bars with twelve dollar PBR's, that's how you know you're home.
The right place is going to run you $2,600 for a room, a personal interrogation, a reference check, a credit check, a limb, and one cosigner with a seven figure income. But there's a way around all that. Forge everything. Hell, my references were just me with a few burner phones and different accents, and I typed up a letter of recommendation from the CFO of American Express himself in place of a credit check.
The personal interview is a cinch. If you're in Brooklyn, your building is probably owned by some scumbag South Brooklyn guido who made enough money off his pizza place/plumbing business/bootlegging operation to buy a building. In Manhattan, it's a property management corporation. They are easy to fool. All I had to tell them was that I worked for a quirky new startup and I hadn't been paid in three weeks, and that I was an inveterate drunk and chronic masturbator, and just like that, the interview was over.
So far as a cosigner goes, all you have to do is generate a fake social security number, employment records, tax returns, and OkayCupid profile, and BOOM, you have a cosigner.
If all else fails, wait for somebody in your desired building to die. Dead people make great roommates so long as you can keep their smell under wraps. Your typical consumer-grade vacuum sealer should do the trick.
Step Two: Find Food
Once you’re good and settled, you’re going to want to go on a gluten-free diet. Remember, higher cost means higher quality. And is all you’re going to get when you don’t actually have celiac disease! Your new diet will assure that you never spend less than twenty dollars on a meal. And you can make that easily in a day’s work of turning cheap tricks, or selling roses you stole from homeless people who were also selling roses. Or internet comedy writing if you've got skillz like these.
If you’re not whipping up gluten-free delights in your own kitchen, go out to eat. In fact, fuck cooking, what are you, on a budget or something? Get the $20 brunch special from your neighborhood watering hole. Every fucking day. It’s a good hearty breakfast full of protein and usually comes with three bloody marys. With those on your breath/all over your boss’ shoes when you get into work, it’s guaranteed you’ll keep getting those meager paychecks that keep you living beyond your means. You might even get a promotion.
For lunch and dinner, order everything on Seamless. The ten dollar minimum guarantees money will be taken out of your checking account in neat little increments. If you actually have to go outside and eat elsewhere, hit up the fanciest restaurant you can find. I hear there’s a great little Salvadoran Bistro on the Lower East Side. Or Dorsia. Dorsia is nice.
Point being: go to a restaurant so fancy it’s like you’re trying to get laid or something, even if you’re alone. Come to think of it, why should that stop you? Finish your pumpkin ravioli with artisan pheasant and go fuck yourself. Really, just head straight for the bathroom and rub one out.
Step Three: Find Booze
Now that you’re full of artisan food and post-masturbatory shame, it’s time to get drunk. Never drink at home, always go to a bar. If you have to drink at home, never spend less than fifty dollars on a bottle. And drink the whole bottle, every night. Or you can save your liver and spend the same money by going bar-hopping.
Never go anywhere without a list. If just anyone can get into the bar, it’s not for you. You’re not just anyone after all. As far as everyone else is concerned, you have more money than God. Until your creditors come after you. The CFO of American Express is probably mad about that letter of recommendation too.
Once you’ve successfully parlayed your way into the bar, it’s time to get some drinks. Your basic two-ingredient well drink is gonna run somewhere in the neighborhood of twenty dollars, so make sure to have no less than eight of them. If you can’t handle that, let me direct you to our competitors: UpWorthy and EliteDaily. I think they’re more your speed.
Now that you’re good and drunk, you’re gonna want to start buying drinks for people. Everybody loves a guy who’s flashy with the black card. Or they’re just too drunk to remember he’s an asshole. But not you! Buying drinks for the entire swanky club is a great way to make friends, and a Dudefest.com approved method of continually living beyond your means.
Step Four: Find Personal and Professional Fulfillment
If you think you can buy this with money, there are a shitload of rich people who agree with you. Otherwise, shop around, see what works. Of course, this means changing majors/careers until you find something that suits you, and finding a diet/daily routine that keeps the self-loathing to a minimum.
Now that you're buried in student debt from the eight years you spent on your Bachelor's, lost income from all the job changes, and you've maxed out your credit cards on fad diets, I believe my work here is done. Congratulations, you're truly living beyond your means.