MUSINGS FROM OUR CHEAPSKATE BEER SNOB
Display download  12
Heineken Is Committing Sacrilege
Smigoversen
August 01, 2014

Heineken is a really shitty beer that is inexplicably extremely popular. Skunked Ale is the best description of what kind of "beer" we're dealing with. For a long time, Heineken served one purpose: identifying people you don't want to spend any time around. They planted several clues for the astute people-at-a-party watcher to pick up on.

 

1) The Green Bottle

Through no conscious effort, every dude has a rough idea of what most macrobrew beer bottles look like. You generally don't want to be associated with any of them (notable exception: Yuengling). When I think of green bottles, I'm thinking Heineken, Rolling Rock, Dos Equis (too pretentious for a Cerveza - real cerveza has a 50-50 chance of enacting Montezuma's Revenge and Dos Equis isn't even an import), and shitty foreign beers like Peroni and Grolsch. If you see a green bottle, you could be dealing with any kind of crazy person (or they're drinking Yuengling and you should get to know them). Thankfully, Heineken had another way to get you to set itself apart.

 

2) The Chode-Shaped Bottle

People who like Heineken are loud, obnoxious bros that are feeling fancy that night (somehow Heineken is more expensive than other beers). These are the types of guys who buy big, loud cars to overcompensate for their tiny dongers. Heineken bottles are small and misshapen. Just like their tiny dongers.

 

While the Heineken guys did you a solid by helping you pick their bottles out of a crowd, they still want to screw you by having Heineken hide in plain sight. How? Aluminum cans. Not just the usual 12 ouncers either. They have pounders too. They'll even try to trick you into thinking rock stars like it with their radical can designs.

 

Marketing designed for adults 21 and up with the same taste as 14-year-olds

In my opinion, they couldn't do anything worse than that. Until I saw a sign on the Subway platform the other day, proclaiming the imminent arrival of an 8.5 oz can. I've never had that little beer before having to get up for more in my entire life. And they have the gal to advertise with the slogan "Less Is Cooler". This is the same bullshit logic the candy industry used to sell "Fun Size" to us.

 

I disagree wholeheartedly

There is only one potential benefit for making a can of beer this size. 8.5 ounces is the exact size of a Red Bull. You could totally pretend to be to be drinking Liquid Crack instead of Liquid Poop. Well, almost. You can't actually because the Heineken cans are fucking green. There's not a single person who hasn't wanted to stab those cartoon people from the Red Bull commercials at some point in their life. And you don't get to that point if you can't recognize a Red Bull can by sight. And even colorblind people know that Red Bulls aren't green. It's called RED Bull. As in, making the can green would be super confusing, even around Christmas. The "brewers" of Heineken couldn't even get this right. People buy drinks that come in silver cans (even if its a Mountain Brew Ice).

 

The appropriate response to this atrocity is a complete boycott of all Dutch things: don't drink Heineken, don't drink Heineken Light, get your legal weed in Colorado instead of Amsterdam, don't even play against the Netherlands in FIFA, don't beg your girlfriend for a Dutch rudder, don't split a bill evenly, don't go shopping for handmade furniture in Lancaster, Pennsylvania, don't participate in any Dutch auctions, and especially don't talk to Pat Holland.

 

Together we can make a difference.

Smigoversen, first of his name, Master of Words, Cheapskate Beer Snob, and Protector of the Realm can be reached by raven here.

0 Comments
Display beer mug
Published on
Friday
First Article
January 04, 2014
Articles
36
Smigoversen (and occasionally Fraturday) perform "experiments" with alcohol. Every Friday they report their findings. Their observations are unreliable at best.
RECENT BEER MUSINGS
RECENT COMMENTS
6 days ago
锘縱mate is most people large iphone app ultra looked at with untold numbers of folks across the globe. this one app features complete activity for...
on THE REPLACEMENTS (Where Are They Now?)
7 days ago
锘? vmate is usually software package that lets you free download [url=http://www.vmate.com/]vmate[/url] video lessons plus songs this Youtube,...
on Review of X-MEN: DAYS OF FUTURE PAST
19 days ago
锘? vmate is certainly an software package that allows you to download and read [url=http://www.vmate.com/]vmate[/url] clips then songs inside the...
on Review of CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE WINTER SOLDIER
about 1 month ago
锘? vmate may well be an practical application that allows you to receive [url=http://www.vmate.com/]vmate[/url] tutorials and moreover songs on...
on Review of RISE OF THE FALL OF THE DAWN OF THE PLANET OF THE APES
about 1 month ago
锘? vmate is surely an app that lets you find [url=http://www.vmate.com/]vmate[/url] music videos and as a consequence songs your Youtube,...
on THE REPLACEMENTS (Where Are They Now?)
about 1 month ago
锘縱mate is essentially the most colossal software package tremendous levied basically many of us foreign. this type of application creates complete...
on Review of WAR OF THE WORLDS
over 1 year ago
You eat moah shit than Boston ever could you fackin queeah
on Bill Simmons FINALLY Has to Shut Up About Boogie Cousins
about 4 years ago
Did you know that one of the symptoms of an MDMA overdose is double commenting?
on On Wes Welker, Molly, and the Kentucky Fucking Derby
about 4 years ago
That's what you get for waking up in Vegas.
on Trouble in Vegas
about 4 years ago
I looked almost identical when I went to the Belmont!
on On Wes Welker, Molly, and the Kentucky Fucking Derby