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Henry H. Henry
January 27, 2014

This one's for you, Kennedy (of fame, not one of the members of the well-known American political family). Everyone knows that mortgages are a staple of modern comedy and a colorful subject that interests millions, but like the origin of the name of San Diego, it's meaning has been lost. Good fucking thing I'm here then. Today, as promised, I'll tell you what a mortgage is. I'll tell you why people get them, and even why you should care. Now let me drop some knowledge.


Let me throw out a little scenario at you: You've been doing pretty well for yourself lately. The job is going great and you're getting married to your significant other on Tuesday. You want to move out of your apartment and away from your roommate who swears he'll pay you back if you cover his rent this month as he keeps looking at the job listings on Netflix Yes, you are thinking of purchasing your own house. A place where you will live out the rest of your life while you wait for death or your kids to ship you off to the old folks home.


But hold on there, I have some questions for you before you jump into such a huge commitment. First of all, you're getting married on a Tuesday? What kind of an asshole are you? That's pretty fucking inconvenient for your friends and family, especially since you're not paying for your distant relatives' plane tickets and they have to miss work. But more appropriate for this article, how are you going to pay for that house? Especially after that financially draining wedding? Well, you'll have to get a MORTGAGE.


A mortgage is, in essence, a really big loan that you get from the bank. The bank gives you enough money to buy a house, and you put that property up as collateral. This starts the long and painful process of paying that shit back, which you do over predetermined intervals of time for decades. The mortgage agreement specifies how much, how often, and how long you have to pay the bank back, as well as how much interest they're expecting you pony up. Sounds kind of shitty, right? Well fuck you, you wanted the house. Go into the bank, sign the promissory note, which is basically a heavy-duty I.O.U., and then immediately pull down your pants. This is so the bank can fasten a metal vice grip onto your testicles, which will stay there until the mortgage is fully paid off.


It's really not so bad, the vice-grip technology has gotten much more comfortable over the years. In the late 1800s they had spikes. Now it's just a dull compression on your balls at all times of the day, except for when they tighten it when you miss a payment.


The word mortgage, I shit you not, is French for "death pledge." I'm being serious. "Mort" means "dead" in French, and "gage" means "pledge." You can trust me, I used google translate. What this basically means is that when you sign a mortgage, you are literally signing your soul over to the bank. Since mortgages are usually loans for large sums of money, they can often take 30 to 40 years to pay off. You'll probably be dead before you pay it off. Hope that ball vice feels comfortable.


Since you're putting up your home as collateral, if you start to miss payments then the bank will come into your house and repo shit. If it's bad enough, they'll foreclose the house and kick you out. Remember, banks are like casinos: they always get their money. And they don't give a shit about you. It's easy to think of the bank as the bad guy here, but just remember that you knew what you were getting into. You're the one who wanted to buy the house and you knew the rules of the mortgage, it's not the bank's fault that you wanted to buy a boat instead of making the mortgage payments. Now you have to live on that boat, but you secretly wanted that all along, didn't you? Now you've escaped your suburban prison and can sail away, if only you could pay for boat fuel.


The moral of this story is that mortgages suck, just like all loans, but just accept it and be responsible with your money. And don't lose your job or have any unexpected, expensive medical emergencies. Or kids. Mortgages are necessary to pay for your house, unless you have 400,000 dollars laying around in a safe like some rich nutjob preparing for doomsday. Owing money to the bank isn't very dudefest, but owning a house is, and the mortgage is a necessary evil to pay for it.

Henry "Mr. Henry Is My Father's Name" Henry is going through some personal things and thinks it's best if we see other people.

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