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Stretching
Jimmy Fraturday
February 25, 2014

Everyone knows that stretching is important but actually going ahead and doing it can get confusing. Don’t let your fear of not knowing how to stretch keep you on the sidelines of life any longer. Here is your step by step guide to stretching.

 

The first thing you’ll need to do before you are ready to stretch is to get into the right outfit. Many people forget this step and that is why the world had to invent urgent care centers. An outrageous number of stretching accidents. Anyway, make sure you wear something that really lets you move around. I’d suggest a snug pair of shorts that end at about your mid-thigh. As for a shirt I would suggest, not wearing one. You can’t let things like sleeves, or a collar, or fabric hold you back. Next you’re going to want some tall socks. How tall is up to you, but according to Kennedy, the taller the better. Finally you’re gonna want to wear shoes. Many people think that its important to wear athletic shoes, but don’t let them sway you. Wear the most fashionable dress shoes you have. Just because you’re breaking a sweat doesn’t mean you can’t look your best.

 

Once you’ve got your outfit assembled you’ll need to find a place to stretch. Find somewhere warm. Having trouble finding a warm place? Human beings generate a lot of heat all on their own, so I would suggest finding a place with a lot of other humans, say a subway car or an elevator. Once you’ve found a sufficiently crowded place you are ready for the next step.

 

Most good stretches involve you just bending over and touching your toes. Once you are in your stretching location just start bending over a lot. The next part is THE MOST important part of stretching. You need to be loud. Like really loud. A lot of grunting and oohhhhh’s and ahhhh’s is key to a good stretch sesh. Really without the sound effects you aren’t even stretching. Keep this up for a few weeks and you’ll be getting pretty limber.

 

If you’re feeling really good, lay on your back and ask the prettiest girl in the elevator/ cramped space, if she can help you really get a deep burn. She most likely will be excited to help. You’ll get a great stretch and a new friend. Make sure you really exaggerate the sound effects when buddy stretching.

 

That is all you need to know, so get out there and get limber!

Jimmy Fraturday is THE authoritative voice on playing sports with a beer in hand. He is the son of two great Americans, and he enjoys a good gargoyle over a keg stand. He recently stopped drinking Natty Light during the week. All hate mail can be directed to his email.

2 Comments
02-27-2014 | 11:56 AM
The key is to show as much man-thigh as possible.
02-26-2014 | 1:16 PM
I personally enjoy stretching on a nice, sunny day in a public park. Following your guidelines of what to wear, I really enjoy the tan lines I begin to develop. There's not much better than having a high shorts tan line coupled with a high sock tan line. I definitely need to work on getting more limber, so I like your idea of finding a pretty girl and having her help me develop a deep burn. Hopefully one day you and I can get out and stretch together, Jimmy.
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