JURASSIC PARK (1993)
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DUDEFEST RATING
8.00
Dudes
Sam Neill
Jeff Goldblum
Bob Peck
By Pat Holland
January 11, 2014

JURASSIC PARK was released over two decades ago and it still holds up as one of the greatest movies ever, with cutting-edge visual effects that stand the test of time. Also, it’s got a bunch of dudes that get their faces eaten off by badass dinosaurs, which is even more Dudefest.

 

Hold onto your butts: John Hammond (played by your grandfather, probably) is a crazy guy that decides cloning dinosaurs is the best idea ever (we maintain that he is not wrong...) and wants to open up Jurassic Park, a theme park / zoo to display them. In predictable fashion, everything goes to shit immediately because one of his employees (Newman from Seinfeld, playing himself) decides that a better idea is to shut off the power to all the electric fences (you know, the ones keeping the dinosaurs from eating a shitload of people).

 

 

This movie is full of Dudefest stuff like Samuel L. Jackson surprising everyone by being in it. His character is awesome- his best line is, “Hold onto your butts!” and it’s the greatest bit of dialogue in cinematic history. He seems to be the only competent employee in the Park, because he realizes that Newman is a total shithead. Also that cloning a bunch of prehistoric murderbeasts maaaaaybe isn’t the greatest idea of all time.

 

There’s also Sam Neill, playing Dr. Alan Grant, a paleontologist who just about loses his shit when he finds out that he’s going to be able to see a T-Rex. Honestly, we would too, so you can’t blame the dude. T-Rexes are fucking badass and we wish someone would clone one for us. Dr. Grant spends the whole movie protecting this little dude, Timmy, who is possibly the most annoying human being on the planet. Nobody would have batted an eye if Dr. Grant let Timmy get eaten because he was so fucking infuriating, but it says a lot about the guy that he risks his own life to help the kid.

 

Bob Peck plays Robert Muldoon, and we don’t expect you to recognize either of those names. He gets a mention because he gets an incredibly dudefest death. He’s the guy that tracks the escaped velociraptors through the jungle, draws a bead on one with his shotgun, but then gets mauled from the side by a raptor he didn’t even know was there. Clever girl, indeed.

 

Last but not least, we have Jeff Goldblum. Nine times out of ten we could guarantee that any movie relying on Jeff Fucking Goldblum as the main sex appeal will be complete garbage, but for some reason, that goofy bastard absolutely kills it in his role as “sexy mathematician”. Goldblum, playing Dr. Ian Malcolm, spends the whole movie being sarcastic and acting kind of like a dick to the guy that’s giving him a free trip to see LIVE FUCKING DINOSAURS and unapologetically hitting on Dr. Grant’s girlfriend, and she totally digs it. Life finds a way, indeed.

Pat Holland fell from the sky in 2007 with this article in his hand and a strange email address written on his chest.

R A T I N G S
10
The female dinosaurs aren’t even the most dudefest things in this movie. The main dudes are badass, kickass, and sometimes, just plain asses. JURASSIC PARK, a movie that is almost old enough to buy a beer, totally holds up. The first dudefest movie I ever saw (and also the first movie I ever saw in theaters), I give it a perfect score. Seriously, after over a hundred viewings, I just honestly have zero problems with this movie.
7
Great movie, but… Nuh-uh-uhh, nuh-uh-uhh, not enough explosions… Nuh-uh-uhh, nuh-uh-uhh, not the most dudefest.
6
I don’t think this one is that dudefest, although I didn’t see it in my childhood, so that’s probably why. Pretty standard 90s dinosaur movie to me.
9
Fuck you Kennedy, I did see it in my childhood and it was my favorite movie. Remember that scene where you see that first huge-ass dinosaur? Majestic as fuck.
8
We need more movies with Jurassic Park level dinosaurs. That would be the most kickass thing. My only problem with this movie is that fucking kid. I would have given him "an important job" that would invariably end in a raptor attack so the rest of the group could be more efficient.
0 Comments
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