If you haven’t seen RESERVOIR DOGS yet, please pass in your man card right now. I’ll give it back to you at the end of the review.

You all know how the movie starts. If you don’t then it means I have your man card, so shut up and keep reading. Restaurant scene. Dudes in suits. Boss Joe, his son in the track pants, colors for names. Buscemi doesn’t tip. Classic rock over the credits.

An unseen colorful heist occurs, Mr. Orange (Roth) gets shot in the gut, and Mr. Brown (Tarantino) dies. Thank god Tarantino’s character dies; dude can direct, but he doesn’t sell himself as a well dressed heist guy. Mr. White (Keitel) and Mr. Orange get back to the meetup spot first, and shortly thereafter Mr. Pink (Buscemi) gets back.

Mr. Pink and Mr. White leave Mr. Orange to nap it off while they debrief the heist from hell. They discern two things. First, Mr. Blonde (Madsen) is a lunatic, and second, someone in the crew had to be a mole. Or a rat. Generally speaking, a rodent.

After an argument between Mr. White and Mr. Pink (Mr. White told Mr. Orange his real name like a rookie), Mr. Blonde rolls in, sippin’ a soda, all nonchalant-like. He quickly demonstrates to us that, yes, he is out of his goddamn mind. He opens his trunk for Mr. White and Mr. Pink to reveal a cop he stole; the three of them then proceed to beat the shit out of him for no reason.

Track Pants gets there and tells everyone to calm the fuck down by yelling. He sends Mr. Pink and Mr. White to get rid of all the cars with him. This leaves psychopath Mr. Blonde with the passed out Mr. Orange and the tied up cop. Presumably Track Pants only does this for our entertainment, because Mr. Blonde, giving away all his fucks, tortures the cop due to his love of torture. He is cutting him up and slices his ear off all to the tune of "Stuck in the Middle with You". With no more fucks to give, Mr. Blonde tosses a whole canister of gasoline on the cop.

Before Mr. Blonde can turn the cop into Johnny Storm, Mr. Orange wakes up, shoots and kills Mr. Blonde. THen he reveals himself as a cop to Officer Van Gogh. Van Gogh says there are other cops outside, but they won’t come inside until the big guy, the head honcho, Joe, shows up. Tarantino (the director) then takes us on a journey through Mr. Orange’s journey undercover. Sick shit, but I’ll leave it out for brevity’s sake. See it for yourself you Man Card-less prick.

I’m having trouble coming up with a word to describe the last scene of the film. Perfect seems below it, so we’ll go with Dudefest. Track Pants, Mr. White, and Mr. Pink get back, and Mr. Orange says he killed Mr. Blonde because Mr. Blonde was going to run with the diamonds and kill everybody. Mr. Trackpants doesn’t buy that, Mr. White does, and Mr. Pink doesn’t give a shit. Joe walks in, breaking the 1-1-1 tie by siding with his son, and declares that Mr. Orange is a cop. Mr. White disagrees and pulls a gun on Joe, who along with his son pulls a gun on Mr. White. More disagreement ends with gunfire, and Mr. White wipes out two generations of Cabot, but is wounded in the process. Mr. Pink takes the diamonds and peaces out, while Mr. White cuddles up to Mr. Orange (in a Dudefest way). Mr. Orange tells Mr. White that he is a cop. As the cops finally roll in, Mr. White shoots Mr. Orange, and the cops shoot him. We can only assume Mr. Pink died as well. Oh, and Mr. Blue was killed.