Remember when you thought the world was going to end in 2012? I sure as hell do. I sold all of my belongings, dropped out of school in my senior year, and spent all of my money on canned beans and a machete. So when I heard a couple cops talk about it while I was obsessively listening to my police scanner, I knew I had to see it. To everyone else, it would be entertainment. To me, it would be like looking into the future to see what I have to avoid. Using my newly acquired survival skills, I snuck into the theater and watched it.
While the world, of course, did not end, watching this movie made me wish it did. The fact that this film was produced and distributed shows that humanity deserved to be wiped off the face of the earth. I say this because it was so bad, but it also made so much money. It made over $750 million worldwide, which I think was about $750 million too much. It is a movie that you will see once and then never think about ever, ever again, unless of course you’re making a list of the biggest wastes of your time.
What is this movie about? Well, John Cusack plays a limo driver and divorced father who tries to save his family while the world falls apart. But we all know that we’re not going to see 2012 because of a touching story about family relationships, we’re going to see it to watch shit explode. This is good in a way, because I honestly couldn’t tell you what any of the characters’ names or motivations were. They do not matter. And that’s ok. It’s ok for movies like this to have no plot or real characters, because that’s not why we watch it.
The bad thing is that 2012 doesn’t do a good job of making things explode either. There’s one scene where John Cusack and his family are driving away from an earthquake as Los Angeles is literally being swallowed by the earth behind them, and it looks like a fucking video game at some points. I didn’t sneak into this movie for free to see video game footage. The one thing they had to do right, they messed up. It’s not like the director doesn’t know how to do it right, he made INDEPENDENCE DAY, THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW, and FERRIS BUELLER MEETS GODZILLA. While only one of those movies was any good, they all did a convincing job of city destruction. He did NOT get 2012 to work, though.
So anyway, John Cusack and his family eventually learn that the smartest, richest, and most powerful people in the world knew this was going to happen and were building giant boats in the Himalayas to save their asses when the shit hit the fan. Because, yes, the entire world floods to the point of water covering the Himalayas. I’m not a scientist, but I’m pretty sure there isn’t enough water in the world to cause global flooding to the top of Mount Everest. Getting back to the story, they make their way to China, stopping by famous landmarks just long enough for them to get conveniently destroyed. Others heading to the boats include Chiwetel Ejiofor, who works for President Danny Glover. I don’t remember anything important about them. All I know is that in this movie, Glover is clearly too old for this shit.
They all converge on this giant boat within Mount Everest in the end. Here lies the worst part of the movie. Why? Because they try to pretend that there’s a happy ending. The people on the boat hear that there’s dry land in Africa (even though that makes zero sense), so they set sail to begin civilization anew. Here’s my problem with that. There’s maybe a million people on that boat at most. That means seven billion people died. That’s not a fucking happy ending. And what are those million people going to do? Eat each other? It’s not like any plants or animals survived, other than fish I guess. I’ll tell you what happens in this scenario. People start starving, and some guy takes over the group and installs a dictator-like regime. John Cusack’s two kids are in for pretty much the worst life imaginable. That’s what humanity becomes. Thanks 2012.