I’ve reviewed a bunch of movies for this little website of ours. Some of these movies were fantastic. Others were terrible. I think I’ve been pretty open about my disappointment in some movies in particular. Look at my review of JUMPER, for instance. That is the movie I hate more than any other flick. Well, until I saw this one. Prepare yourself, because I’m about to review what might possibly be the worst film to ever be created.
Now I need to preface this by saying that while this might be the worst film ever made, it is not my least favorite (again, JUMPER). I went into it expecting a train wreck, so I wasn’t angry with it. That being said, I was still somehow disappointed by it. I watched this because I thought it would be one of those “so bad it’s good” experiences. Nope. It was actually too bad to be a “so bad it’s good” movie. That’s right. It’s not even fun to make fun of it while watching, mostly because of the pacing that makes a snail on crutches look like a speed demon. I have never ever seen a film that moved this slowly. Half an hour in, and you feel like ten years of your life has been lost forever. The worst part is that there is no action in the first half of the movie. Actually, that’s not true. If you count scenes of the lead character waiting in traffic and pumping gas as “action,” then the first half could be considered action packed.
Let me walk you through the film. Let’s actually not call it a film anymore, because some people work really hard on making real films and it’s insulting to classify this pile of garbage as the same thing. The first guy you meet on this journey to Shit Town is named Rod, who is played by the worst actor in the world. When I say “actor,” I’m not only talking about professional actors. I’m including amateurs, high school drama kids, that one kid who played the tree in your elementary school play, those guys who dress up as Mario and Pikachu on the Las Vegas strip and try to scam you into getting their photo, etc. He is the least talented actor to have a starring role since Taylor Lautner. He reads his lines at a third grade level and probably off a poorly written cue card for the very first time as he’s filming. So this guy is a salesman or something for a startup green energy company (yeah, this movie is a not-so-subtle scream to go green) and we find out the company just got sold for lots of cash money in what is maybe the funniest case of poor editing out there. We kind of just follow his boring and uneventful life for the first half of the story. In addition to the traffic and gas scenes, we see him listen to a sales pitch by a home solar panel installer in full, play awful white-guy basketball with his friend who disappears halfway through the movie, and most importantly, meet the girl of his dreams.
Now the girl he likes is admittedly a much better actor than him. I’m not saying you’re going to see her at next year’s Oscars, but acting opposite this clown is definitely making her seem better. So her story is that she’s a model (of course, because I don’t think the director thought that women could have normal jobs like our hero here), and she just got a contract with Victoria’s Secret! Alright! Everything’s going swimmingly for both characters, which is a great way to develop a sense of suspense or urgency in a story. Our knight in shining armor runs into this girl at a café or something and proceeds to talk to her in the most awkward, least confident way possible. He says he recognizes her from elementary school, which already seems kind of creepy to me as a pickup line. She’s loving it though, proving that you too can get dates with hot girls by appearing grossly unconfident. They start dating, and a bit of a love story is developing. In the ultimate display of romance, they get a shitty motel room after a date and get it on (no, you don’t actually see them get it on. It’s not that kind of movie. You need the internet or that).
All of a sudden, out of absolutely nowhere and with no warning, birds start attacking humans. I think the director was going for an homage to Hitchcock’s classic movie THE BIRDS, but put an undeniably shitty spin on it. The birds, you see, aren’t real birds at all, but the worst CGI I’ve ever had the displeasure of seeing in my life. I actually don’t even think it was CGI, I think the director was somehow able to add clip art pictures of birds into the movie. Their wings didn’t even flap, they just kind of hovered in the air. Their best trick, though, was dive bombing random people and buildings, where these birds would create a fiery explosion on impact. This obviously makes no sense as they are, in fact, living creatures and not military-grade explosive materials. Why do the birds start attacking? Who the fuck knows. I sure as hell don’t. All I know is that their attacks brought the awkward romance story to a screeching halt and commenced an awkward fight for survival. Really, it’s like the first and second halves are completely different, but equally shitty, movies.
Our two lovebirds (HA! Get it?) make their way out of the motel armed to the teeth with wire coat-hangers to swat away the birds. It’s great, because the actors were clearly given no direction as to where the birds would be or how big they are, so they look like they’re swatting at nothing. It’s probably the highlight of the whole movie. They eventually meet some people that are armed with automatic rifles, but I’m pretty sure they die quickly. Then they get supplies at a local convenience store, and the guy behind the register is plainly the actual cashier of the actual store and not an actor at all. He probably gives the best performance in the movie. Finally, they arrive to the beach, because where else would you go in a bird-centric apocalypse than a place wide open in the outdoors? There they meet a crazy scientist who starts spouting this bullshit about how global warming caused the birds to start going kamikaze on humans. He says, and I quote, “I’m not worried about the black birds, they’re not the dangerous animals. It’s the human species that’s dangerous and menacing and terrifying”. No dude. The birds are killing people left and right. They’re the dangerous animals. Hey, I’m all for helping the environment, but you have to chill the fuck out.
We’ve now reached the end. Our favorite couple is still on the beach, and the birds just start flying away. That’s it. No real explanation. They just leave, and apparently the world is fine. Those damn birds just were trying to cause some reckless vandalism. So, what are the takeaways from BIRDEMIC? Well, we’re supposed to feel motivated to start acting more conscious of our environmental impact. That’s not what I got though. If this movie taught me anything, it’s that we need to start killing all the birds, no matter what species. We can’t live with the threat of them raining down fire from the sky at any moment. The birds must die. The best way to do that is probably to burn all the trees, because they live in trees. Kill their food sources too, so rodents, fish, smaller plants, all have to be exterminated. It’s the only way to be safe. The second big takeaway is to leave moviemaking to professionals. Nobody involved in this steaming pile of wet feces had any business making a movie. Hopefully they’ve moved on towards other careers that require no creative output from them. My recommendation to you- unless you want a manual on exactly what not to do when making movies, DO NOT see this.